Husband hasn't worked in years. It's wrecking my health

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There area a lot of families with one parent who doesn't work.

Replies on this thread are pretty different from when it is a husband wanting SAHM to work and she doesn't want to.

+100. I find these responses and OP disgusting.

I think you missed the part where OP’s DH refuses to take on domestics tasks and carries on as if he is working outside the home all day.

That’s OP’s side of the story. Don’t you want to hear her DH’s side? Op- tell us what your DH tells you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There area a lot of families with one parent who doesn't work.

Replies on this thread are pretty different from when it is a husband wanting SAHM to work and she doesn't want to.

+100. I find these responses and OP disgusting.

I think you missed the part where OP’s DH refuses to take on domestics tasks and carries on as if he is working outside the home all day.

That’s OP’s side of the story. Don’t you want to hear her DH’s side? Op- tell us what your DH tells you.

No I don’t, I want him to get a job and help support his f*cking family!

[Anonymous]

I've been through this. DH and I agree that he would leave his toxic job and could stay home for no more than 6 months. We'd have to supplement my income with savings but we could do it for a short period of time. Six months turned into two year by which time DH was in a full blown depression, he refused to seek treatement, I was burned out from having carried too much for too long and I had 'caught' his depression (I thought I was going through perimenopause and went to see my OB/GYN who said she thought I needed an SSRI - she was right).

The situation wasn't sustainable and I decided the kids and I were better off without DH than with him in his current state. I told him that unless he took steps within the next 30 days to address his depression (I had already tried making appointments with his doctor and was ready to drive him, he refused) and got a job, I would be ending the marriage. DH chose not to do anything so I consulted an attorney and began to look for smaller housing I could afford on my own.

I felt so much better! I can't tell you how freeing it was to have a plan forward - I had light at the end of the tunnel. I knew my life as a single parent would be challenging but it couldn't be worse than what I was living. Things were looking up for me - I'll never forget the feeling I had when I got to this point. I felt like my struggle was over.

It turns out, my actions and demeanor shook DH up and motivated him to make needed changes. When people talk about the 180 here, I believe it can work (I wasn't aware of it back then). DH made sufficient progress after that that we ended up staying together but I was prepared to end the marriage and he knew it. He also knew I'd be much better off single than he would. I'd say we have a good marriage but I will never again allow myself to get where I was before. Hugs and good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My resentment gets worse in summer. He screwed up and lost a job in summer 2016 and every year that goes by I get angrier. He's done some short-term work and a couple of projects that were such bad ideas I wonder if he chose them because they wouldn't work out.

I hate constantly being strapped for cash and feeling shabby. I've taken on a number of extra projects for pay and feel I'm working myself to death. The other day I mentioned one possible job prospect and he said he didn't think he'd like working there.

I'm dying a bit every day. But I can't afford to leave, and it would wreck the kids.

You can't afford to stay. DTMFA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My resentment gets worse in summer. He screwed up and lost a job in summer 2016 and every year that goes by I get angrier. He's done some short-term work and a couple of projects that were such bad ideas I wonder if he chose them because they wouldn't work out.

I hate constantly being strapped for cash and feeling shabby. I've taken on a number of extra projects for pay and feel I'm working myself to death. The other day I mentioned one possible job prospect and he said he didn't think he'd like working there.

I'm dying a bit every day. But I can't afford to leave, and it would wreck the kids.

So the guy likes to kick back and chill -- big whoop. You need to work MORE and let him do his thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sell your house, move family into a 3 bedroom apartment rental until you get this figured out. But work on leaving.

Hahahaha.

A three-bedroom is almost unheard of in our area and there's no way we could rent anything for what we pay for our mortgage. Moving would cost upwards of $50,000 in transaction costs.

I am currently working three jobs but don't have this kind of spare money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being out of a job is understandable for 6 months to a year. After that, a back up plan needs to be put in place where standards for what type of job and what salary he pulls down are dropped in a BIG WAY. Drop the ego and bring in a paycheck.

Give him a deadline to get ANY job. If he hasn't gotten a job by then, you kick him out.

This. My husband ended up unemployed (20 year successful professional) due to downsizing and in between applications and interviews he certainly did more around the house and with the kids than ever before. We agreed the that after unemployment ran out (about 4 months) he’d take any job - a major pay cut or retail, landscaping or whatever just to be working and earning money. Back to school was also on the table. I have no doubt that if it came to that he would have worked at fast food if he had to just to do something!

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. Just leave.

[Anonymous]

How old are you and your DH?

[Anonymous]

Maybe he is meant to be a SAHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is meant to be a SAHD.

Our kids are teenagers and don't need a SAHD. And he does not handle almost any household responsibilities. I didn't consent to his not working.

I've given him a deadline before. He got some contract work a d did it for a few weeks. Then it dried up and he wouldn't do retail or administrative because he had to be free to take on more contract work if it came along. But it didn't.

As for his side of the story, it's that he got depressed. But he's on medication and has done some therapy - and quit. He just won't stick with anything.

[Anonymous]

He's gaslighting you, big time.

[Anonymous]

OP—Did you write about this last year?
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/734750.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My resentment gets worse in summer. He screwed up and lost a job in summer 2016 and every year that goes by I get angrier. He's done some short-term work and a couple of projects that were such bad ideas I wonder if he chose them because they wouldn't work out.

I hate constantly being strapped for cash and feeling shabby. I've taken on a number of extra projects for pay and feel I'm working myself to death. The other day I mentioned one possible job prospect and he said he didn't think he'd like working there.

I'm dying a bit every day. But I can't afford to leave, and it would wreck the kids.

I’m not trying to be snarky but why can’t you afford to leave if he’s be unemployed for years? Would it really break the kids if you left? He sounds like a terrible role model for them and that may be doing more long-term damage than you realize. Can you cut down your hours to afford a small two bedroom apartment for you and the children. They’d probably appreciate less space and more time with their Mom. I’m sorry OP. I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My resentment gets worse in summer. He screwed up and lost a job in summer 2016 and every year that goes by I get angrier. He's done some short-term work and a couple of projects that were such bad ideas I wonder if he chose them because they wouldn't work out.

I hate constantly being strapped for cash and feeling shabby. I've taken on a number of extra projects for pay and feel I'm working myself to death. The other day I mentioned one possible job prospect and he said he didn't think he'd like working there.

I'm dying a bit every day. But I can't afford to leave, and it would wreck the kids.

So the guy likes to kick back and chill -- big whoop. You need to work MORE and let him do his thing.

Oh . I see the incel is still lurking around this forum. So for a dude that’s never been in a relationship, or even had sex, you seem to have a lot of opinions. Loser.