Are you supposed to punish your freshman over December break if they did poorly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure what you mean by "punish," OP. Do you mean are you supposed to ground your 18 or 19 year old or take away their electronics over break? The answer to that would be NO in most families.

It sounds like they have been open with you about their poor first semester and that's a good sign. You should have a talk about it, see if they need extra supports, a different major, a tutor, less partying, fewer early morning classes, etc. I'm sure they realize that they screwed up and learned something in the process about what it's going to take to do better. Poor grades are not necessarily a result of poor behavior.

A lot of kids plan to have access to a car over winter break. A lot of kids may want parents to fund spring break trip. A lot of kids may expect some $$$ when the return in January. I guess withholding these perks could be seen as punishment? You could also make them get some shitty job over break instead of sitting in their ass for 4 weeks and crushing beers with friends. If their grades are shit, they don't deserve a "break"; they've been at college just hangin' out.

I agree- my DS is a sophomore and will get a job during break otherwise he will hang with his h.s. buddies til the wee hours of the morning and sleep all day. His break is 5 weeks long and he needs some cash.

[Anonymous]

Totally depends. Slacker who partied too much and never bothered to put in effort? I’d have one reaction and set of consequences. Overwhelmed kid living away for the first time? There are other concerns I would be addressing over break. And of course there’s a host of other “profiles“ so you have to consider each kid’s reasons before knowing how to proceed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or put in some sort of benchmarks for second semester? Oldest child is anticipating a ~ 2.0 first semester GPA. We've never been through this.

We will be addressing this same challenge in our household in about a week. You don't "punish" your freshman unless you don't want them to come home again. You address it the same way you've addressed parenting all along - appropriate levels of freedom for success, with appropriate levels of support aiming towards independence. If you didn't set targets before sending your child off to school, you should certainly be prepared to set some now - not just a broad GPA target, but a class-by-class grade target (some classes are easier for some kids than others), and other behaviors that will move your DC towards success.

My DC had a bad case of senioritis last spring, so we went into the fall semester with reasonable goals and the expectation that DC could be independent, but with periodic monitoring as to how things were going. I think DC is disappointed with the semester and ready to have some conversation about what went wrong. Part of the problem I believe has been a disconnect in perceived performance versus actual performance (How was the test? I think I did pretty good! Then later - what was your grade? Oh, really bad, I did worse than I thought...) I'm sure part of the problem has been lack of time management and study strategies. No, you can't cram three weeks the night before a quiz. There has definitely been too much friend distraction - visiting other high school friends in-state on the weekends and generally acting like it's an open ended vacation hangout time. DC will be part of deciding what next semester's goals will look like, but I also have a very specific set of behavior targets, that if they are not met, the opportunity to be on campus next fall will not be an option.

Good luck and I hope you have a reflective but happy break with your DC.

[Anonymous]

now why would you do that freshman year is exploring. learning, being a jerk. they will be fine by senior year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:now why would you do that freshman year is exploring. learning, being a jerk. they will be fine by senior year

The College Confidential mom echo chamber continues.

... slackers are exploring!
... all kids are special!
... directional colleges are hidden gems!
... it's okay if they don't finish on time, finishing in 4 years isn't very common anymore!
... who cares if they can't get into medical or law school or investment banking, so many other professions - for example, my daughter makes $37,000 a year in HR!
... Ivies are overrated!
... we toured all of the top 10 and the tour guides were rude, so my DC is going to Tailgate State.

[Anonymous]

If by punish, you mean you tell DC that unless they have all C's or above, you will no longer be paying for college, unless it is a probationary semester at the local community college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or put in some sort of benchmarks for second semester? Oldest child is anticipating a ~ 2.0 first semester GPA. We've never been through this.

How did such a dopey parent even get a kid into college? Seriously, who asks "are you supposed to punish..." your kid on the college board? Who even asks that in general parenting??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine whose been through it gave me the advice that for the first semester you take a hands off approach given the level of transition.

So I’d have a conversation to gain a sense of what happened - partied hard and forgot to go I class ? Became involved romantically and lost focus ?

I would want to understand the root cause and then explain they have Spring term to start regaining their focus. Another 2.0 semester due to a loss of focus of effort and then we’d talk about the likelihood that they lacked the maturity to go away to school.

But then again I forgot to go to school one semester - didn’t withdraw and pulled a 0.00 GPA. It happens. But it was something within me that didn’t want to fail that made me get back on track.

Love your kid but it’s ok if it’s a bit of a tough love.

Lol, no way l would folloe advice of a person who forgot to go to school.

[Anonymous]

Forgetting to go to school for a whole semester (until the night before the exam)--that's what happens in my anxiety dreams.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forgetting to go to school for a whole semester (until the night before the exam)--that's what happens in my anxiety dreams.

Same here, although my variant is that I forgot to drop the class during add/drop, and it's always something like astrophysics that I know nothing about and can't bluff my way through. And I graduated from university nearly 30 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine whose been through it gave me the advice that for the first semester you take a hands off approach given the level of transition.

So I’d have a conversation to gain a sense of what happened - partied hard and forgot to go I class ? Became involved romantically and lost focus ?

I would want to understand the root cause and then explain they have Spring term to start regaining their focus. Another 2.0 semester due to a loss of focus of effort and then we’d talk about the likelihood that they lacked the maturity to go away to school.

But then again I forgot to go to school one semester - didn’t withdraw and pulled a 0.00 GPA. It happens. But it was something within me that didn’t want to fail that made me get back on track.

Love your kid but it’s ok if it’s a bit of a tough love.

Lol, no way l would folloe advice of a person who forgot to go to school.

On the contrary, although the advice of someone who follows the rules is good, sometimes the advice of someone who fell off the rails and got back on is the best.

(And the line is so much more catching than dropped out but forgot to withdraw)

[Anonymous]

I didn’t forget, but chose not to go to several classes during undergrad. It happens.

—Now have PhD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why parents shouldn't just pay for college. Tie reimbursement of tuition to performance. I.e. I pay 89% if you get a 3.0, 100% if you get a 4.0, whatever.

You’re a dick who sucks the life out of everyone unfortunate enough to be in your path..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t forget, but chose not to go to several classes during undergrad. It happens.

—Now have PhD

My niece "forgot" to go to classes her 2nd semester when she was in college too. I have no idea what she did with her time there, as she is really not a partier. That was the last semester she was there. Unfortunately she has not fared as well as you since that time.

[Anonymous]

I would sit down for a serious conversation to discuss waht happened in fall, and to assess the spring semester schedule and whether it is too much. For instance, you could suggest that they drop 3 credits and take them over summer. Or discuss whether they are in the right major.

This serious conversation demonstrates that performance in class is important and that you care about it, just as you did in high school. It also may give you insight about whether the kid just slacked off or really struggled (both things happen in school).

And hopefully gets them to 'own' the problem and the solution. They probably don't want to spend summer in summer school so would find a way to improve things for spring semester on their own.