DD not invited to big party this weekend

[Anonymous]

I just went through a pile of clothes in my DD room. So many bar/bat mitzvah items. Do I donate them? Do kids without hats want to wear one that says Bill B's Bar Mitzvah 2015. My kid does not..but seems wasteful to trash. How about water bottles?

[Anonymous]

Sweatshirts? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a middle school teacher and the only thing I don't like about my work is seeing how tough the Bar/Bat Mitzvah scene can be for kids who are excluded. Your daughter is handling this situation with resilience and grace, OP. Good for her! You might just want to mention to her that you're impressed by the way she reached out to her friends to create a fun evening for them. That would also give her an opening to talk about how she feels, but even if she doesn't, she'll know you're proud.

+1

Excellent job, OP mom and daughter. Outstanding all around.

+2 esp. the bolded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sweatshirts? Really?

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see the issue. Several kids weren’t invited. It’s an expensive event. It could be a bday party, bat mitzvah, to go on a group outing to a dance, to go to a beach trip with a group of friends, to a wedding, to join a club in college, etc. kids and adults are sometimes not included. We aren’t having bar or bat mitzvahs, our kids have been invited to some and not to others, and it’s just the way it goes. I don’t really like the message a shirt sends to others but have no problem when only some kids are invited. If you have temple friends, elemenTary school friends, middle school friends, camp friends, neighborhood friends, siblings, club friends, extracurrucar activity friends, etc - I see no reason a family should invite kids who their kid is t that close with.

OP here again- One of the things DD said when she first learned of the event was, "Well, I guess I'm not as close to her as I thought I was." They've been classmates for two+ years, have attended parties together and have eaten lunch together. DD is not the type to hold grudges but this will certainly change the way she views the girl. DD doesn't feel that she's entitled to an invitation but she felt sad that she didn't receive one.

None of that indicates they are close. You mention no sleepovers, no play dates, no hanging out. Your kid was one of lots of classmates this girl has had. Essentially they’ve eaten lunch together and attended some of the same parties. I think you should have asked why your child felt close to this girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see the issue. Several kids weren’t invited. It’s an expensive event. It could be a bday party, bat mitzvah, to go on a group outing to a dance, to go to a beach trip with a group of friends, to a wedding, to join a club in college, etc. kids and adults are sometimes not included. We aren’t having bar or bat mitzvahs, our kids have been invited to some and not to others, and it’s just the way it goes. I don’t really like the message a shirt sends to others but have no problem when only some kids are invited. If you have temple friends, elemenTary school friends, middle school friends, camp friends, neighborhood friends, siblings, club friends, extracurrucar activity friends, etc - I see no reason a family should invite kids who their kid is t that close with.

OP here again- One of the things DD said when she first learned of the event was, "Well, I guess I'm not as close to her as I thought I was." They've been classmates for two+ years, have attended parties together and have eaten lunch together. DD is not the type to hold grudges but this will certainly change the way she views the girl. DD doesn't feel that she's entitled to an invitation but she felt sad that she didn't receive one.

None of that indicates they are close. You mention no sleepovers, no play dates, no hanging out. Your kid was one of lots of classmates this girl has had. Essentially they’ve eaten lunch together and attended some of the same parties. I think you should have asked why your child felt close to this girl.

No offense but your opinion of their closeness is irrelevant. (NP here). I'm not sure what your comment added to this discussion.

The OPs DD felt hurt, rightly or not, and handled it well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those sweatshirts/tshirts/hats are so terrible. Why do parents do it? Might as well show up at school the next day with tshirts for the other kids saying. "I was not cool enough to attend Larlos Bar Mitzvah" And they get worn like maybe 3 times and tossed. PLEASE STOP

-Jewish Parent.

Yes, I didn't realize this was a thing, but I am now horrified that people think this is appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to my DD a few years ago. That Monday her entire Girl Scout troop showed up in their matching bat mitzvah sweatshirts. She seemed to shrug it off and I didn’t want to project my own feelings so I didn’t bring it up later. But man I hate those shirt giveaways. It really rubs the uninvited kids noses in it.

Schools really need to make a rule against wearing them. It makes so many kids feel left out and feel lousy that they were not invited.

[Anonymous]

My shy quiet DD was not invited to many, just one very close friend and one super popular girl. All of her friends were invited to several. She had a couple that she thought she would be invited to but the invitation never came. Sometimes her shyness comes off as not being friendly. Of course she loved being invited to her close friend's and would not have missed it for anything, but being invited to the one by the super popular girls made her day. They were not close, but they did an activity together the previous year. I made a point to tell the girls mom how thoughtful it was for her DD to include my DD and how special it made my DD feel to be included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those sweatshirts/tshirts/hats are so terrible. Why do parents do it? Might as well show up at school the next day with tshirts for the other kids saying. "I was not cool enough to attend Larlos Bar Mitzvah" And they get worn like maybe 3 times and tossed. PLEASE STOP

-Jewish Parent.

Yes, I didn't realize this was a thing, but I am now horrified that people think this is appropriate.

When I was a kid I wore them to sleep with pj bottoms and as gym t-shirts. My kids do the same. They're probably worn for a good three years or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see the issue. Several kids weren’t invited. It’s an expensive event. It could be a bday party, bat mitzvah, to go on a group outing to a dance, to go to a beach trip with a group of friends, to a wedding, to join a club in college, etc. kids and adults are sometimes not included. We aren’t having bar or bat mitzvahs, our kids have been invited to some and not to others, and it’s just the way it goes. I don’t really like the message a shirt sends to others but have no problem when only some kids are invited. If you have temple friends, elemenTary school friends, middle school friends, camp friends, neighborhood friends, siblings, club friends, extracurrucar activity friends, etc - I see no reason a family should invite kids who their kid is t that close with.

OP here again- One of the things DD said when she first learned of the event was, "Well, I guess I'm not as close to her as I thought I was." They've been classmates for two+ years, have attended parties together and have eaten lunch together. DD is not the type to hold grudges but this will certainly change the way she views the girl. DD doesn't feel that she's entitled to an invitation but she felt sad that she didn't receive one.

None of that indicates they are close. You mention no sleepovers, no play dates, no hanging out. Your kid was one of lots of classmates this girl has had. Essentially they’ve eaten lunch together and attended some of the same parties. I think you should have asked why your child felt close to this girl.

OP here again -14:15, you seemed determined to find an issue. Did I list everything that DD and friend did together? No. Did they hang out outside of school? Yes. But regardless of what they did (or didn't do) together, my daughter has a right to her feelings. I'm not going to parse her feelings with her (or with you) to prove that she does or does not have right to feel them. Closeness is a feeling that can't be proven (or disproven) by others.

[Anonymous]

She has a right to her feelings. I also think it is important as parents that we guide them when they are misguided.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes my daughter says my husband is mean for asking her to put her phone down. Sometimes my son is upset at me for telling him it’s time for bed and thinks I’m mean. Sometimes a kid comes home and declares so and so is mean because she did something small. As a parent, I can empathize when my kid is upset but I also state that someone isn’t mean if their actions aren’t mean. If my dd felt slighted by this and said she guessed they weren’t as close as she thought, I’d point out that not everyone could be included and to be fair id tell her, they don’t sound that close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has a right to her feelings. I also think it is important as parents that we guide them when they are misguided.

OP again-Absolutely, I completely agree! And if DD seemed distraught or unable to push past her disappointment, I would have guided her through it as best as I could.

[Anonymous]

What is an appropriate favor?