Son home from Peace Corps, now wants to go to grad school? When does adulthood start?

[Anonymous]

OP again: we are older, retired parents with decent savings but just about enough to be sure we can fund elder care, etc. and, if we're lucky, leave some inheritance, so that's a consideration.
I think the abuse heaped on parents of adult children here is completely out of hand. Posts that include name calling should be removed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again: we are older, retired parents with decent savings but just about enough to be sure we can fund elder care, etc. and, if we're lucky, leave some inheritance, so that's a consideration.
I think the abuse heaped on parents of adult children here is completely out of hand. Posts that include name calling should be removed.

There's a little "report" button on every post. Use it, if you're so sensitive.

People have responded to your tone and word choice, OP. You don't seem to appreciate your adult child's achievements at all, or the intellectual value of grad school.
If you don't have the money to help your adult child, then tell him so in a loving way. It's as simple as that. He is obviously intelligent and capable, he'll find a solution.
If you suspect that his financial instability is linked to ADHD (very common), then you can ask him to do his own research and perhaps get evaluated by a psychiatrist. Medication really works well for that. I know, because I have a son with severe ADHD and a high IQ, who can only be successful with meds.

See? No need to diss your son on the internet. Poor guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I don't lurk constantly on DCUM so sorry for delay in getting back. He did not complete his Peace Corps volunteer term, through no fault of his own. His community wanted a suspension bridge, which he was in no way qualified to provide. They resisted other projects and the site was shut down by PC administration, so he returned home after a year's service with great recs. but does not qualify for scholarships, etc. He is also a decorated veteran who did college on the GI bill. He's a great person. I'm just trying to advise him as well as I can.

Offer him a place to live/food and let him know you cannot help with tuition, so he can work part-time to pay for it. If he's a vet, he can get health care through the VA. Why not help him be successful. There are scholarships and programs for vets he may be able to access.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I don't lurk constantly on DCUM so sorry for delay in getting back. He did not complete his Peace Corps volunteer term, through no fault of his own. His community wanted a suspension bridge, which he was in no way qualified to provide. They resisted other projects and the site was shut down by PC administration, so he returned home after a year's service with great recs. but does not qualify for scholarships, etc. He is also a decorated veteran who did college on the GI bill. He's a great person. I'm just trying to advise him as well as I can.

Offer him a place to live/food and let him know you cannot help with tuition, so he can work part-time to pay for it. If he's a vet, he can get health care through the VA. Why not help him be successful. There are scholarships and programs for vets he may be able to access.

This is a good idea, if you live in the area, GWU has reputable grad programs in almost any field. He can live at home & take out debt for tuition. It's perfectly reasonable not to pay for grad school. If fact, I would be surprised if a child would expect it to be paid for. In our family, we paid tuition and rent for our children in undergrad, so they didn't have any debt. However, we couldn't swing grad school too without shrinking our retirement contributions. They are still grateful for we gave them.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think there is anything wrong with going to grad school if it is in a field that will help him get a good job. You shouldn’t be paying for it though. Your son can figure out how to pay for grad school and his bills on his own. That’s part of being an adult. It’s not mean to have him figure out how to support himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again: we are older, retired parents with decent savings but just about enough to be sure we can fund elder care, etc. and, if we're lucky, leave some inheritance, so that's a consideration.
I think the abuse heaped on parents of adult children here is completely out of hand. Posts that include name calling should be removed.

If you're really comfortable: I think you should offer non-cash assistance (say, a year in your house and food) but tell your son he has to start by getting some kind of job, just to keep himself from becoming a depressed unemployed person.

Another issue is that we have a good job market now, and that could change. He should be able to slot himself into some kind of imperfect career track now, and that might be impossible a year or two from now. The plan should be for him to go from a get-off-the-sofa job to some kind of potential career track job now, to save some money, and then, possibly, to go to grad school or professional school when the economy crashes.

Another reason to start by getting work experience is that the work experience might help him get into a better grad school or professional school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again: we are older, retired parents with decent savings but just about enough to be sure we can fund elder care, etc. and, if we're lucky, leave some inheritance, so that's a consideration.
I think the abuse heaped on parents of adult children here is completely out of hand. Posts that include name calling should be removed.

If you're really comfortable: I think you should offer non-cash assistance (say, a year in your house and food) but tell your son he has to start by getting some kind of job, just to keep himself from becoming a depressed unemployed person.

Another issue is that we have a good job market now, and that could change. He should be able to slot himself into some kind of imperfect career track now, and that might be impossible a year or two from now. The plan should be for him to go from a get-off-the-sofa job to some kind of potential career track job now, to save some money, and then, possibly, to go to grad school or professional school when the economy crashes.

Another reason to start by getting work experience is that the work experience might help him get into a better grad school or professional school.

Thank you. This is the kind of thoughtful response I was hoping for and fits in with my thoughts as well. I will show it to my husband and we will discuss how to proceed.

[Anonymous]

Does he have service-related mental health issues? I ask because he was clearly motivated to join the military, finish college, and join the Peace Corps, but your impression of him is as someone who might be incapable of self-support in the future.

The full biography here doesn't seem to match up with parental anxiety, particularly because he worked an adult job BEFORE college (the military). He is not "failure to launch," though he does seem to be low income.

Do you have reason to believe he will be unable to succeed in a standard 8-5 workplace? Is that your concern? Is it because of ADHD or mental health issues? If so, that is where you should help him, but grad school actually seems like a smart move to me unless he has zero reasons to go besides he can't think of anything else.

Also, the question you haven't answered is: what kind of program is he looking at? If it is a program entirely unrelated to his past degree or experience, OR is not a professional program (law, business, medicine), that would be a red flag. Otherwise , I don't get the concern over two modest payments you're making for him each month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our son is just back from Peace Corps service and now talking about graduate school but he has never worked at a real full time job for more than a couple months, paid his own cell phone bill or made a car payment (we are providing a used car). We're torn about what to say to him but we feel like he needs to experience real adult life before embarking on another expensive educational pursuit that may or may not lead to a good job. This seems to be a pattern among many of our friends young adult kids who aren't launching until their 30s, if then. Any advice?

Hopefully you already raised him to understand that adulthood starts at 18.

You are his parents, not his piggy bank.

What's this BS about launching in your 30s.

[Anonymous]

He def should go to grad school. You can't make it easily on just a Bachelors degree.

[Anonymous]

I don't quite understand what the issue is. Most Peace Corps returnees go to grad school. My office is full of ex-Peace Corps returnees with PhDs.

Parents don't need to be involved here. When I went to grad school, I took out loans and worked as a research assistant and as a teaching assistant. I had an apartment with roommates and didn't own a car. I had cheap health insurance through the university. I did mooch off of my mother's Costco membership.

Any graduate program worth its salt will have a placement service and will be able to offer statistics on how many of its graduates get jobs in their field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight: you are CRITICIZING someone who did valuable service to the world on behalf of our country because you don't consider that "adult"? How much more adult can someone be than to manage a posting away from home in a different culture?

On the grad school front, your son should learn about the Coverdell fellowship program, where participating universities give reduced tuition and even stipends and assistantantships to Peace Corps alums. Maybe he is aware of that program, and that's what driving his interest in grad school.

+1
What's wrong with you OP? I would be so proud of my DC for choosing this path and would support as much as possible. Also, just because your son didn't follow your footsteps towards "adulthood" doesn't mean he is off track. What's the rush? Working a full time job isn't the end all be all.

[Anonymous]

Definitely apply for the foreign service. Mil and POV exp will come in handy.