Anyone else’s 3.5 year old girl have possessed by the devil tantrums?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These years can be so frustrating... have you tried brushing your teeth or hair first? Does she follow you into the bathroom and maybe want to imitate you? Maybe make it seem like you're having so much fun doing it...lol. Have you thought of a musical toothbrush or a brush with her favorite character on it? Worth a shot. Just something to make it a fun time. There are some great suggestions here https://bit.ly/2uaTRad also. Really hope something helps. Best wishes!

My reluctant toddler loved her vibrating toothbrush (nothing fancy - from CVS) with a Disney character on it. "Just like Mommy and Daddy have". And yeah - her brushing was not perfect, but I doubt that a week or so of imperfect brushing matters in the long run if you build it into a (sort of fun) activity. Just some thoughts. good luck...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: thanks.

I physically man handle her and force her to do things (like sit on top of her, pin her arms, and brush her teeth) because like one of the PP's said, I want her to realize who is the boss (I am big, she is little, brushing her teeth isnt a choice, she HAS to do it, and throwing a fit isnt going to get her out of it). I dont do things like that for brushing her hair. but if we have to go somewhere and she's refusing to go, I will drag her kicking and screaming and FORCIBLY shove her into her carseat and buckle her in shrieking.

Ignoring her doesnt usually help. Sometimes if we leave her alone in her room throwing a fit screaming long enough and come back in 20 mins, she's calmed down and is like a new person.

The worst is she gets physically violent - scratching hitting adults, she also gets verbally abusive ("go away mommy! GO AWAY!") etc.

I gently suggest you reconsider your need to be the boss and "win" a physical fight with a 3 year old. She is not a wolf challenging you for pack leadership, she is a child who naturally wants to please you and literally cannot control what she is doing. She is also a person who will be a teen and then an adult: I am big, you are little is a pretty disturbing message.

She is not going to go to college unable to brush her teeth or hair. It doesn't hurt you to be screamed at. Think of it as an less that Wil pass, if that helps you. Let her feel her anger and upset, and learn (from you, ideally) how to deal with her emotions productively. I have anger issues myself and parenting classes helped me not see myself in a battle with my child that I had to win by dominating her.

Thanks. This makes sense too. I do feel, in general, the way you raise your toddlers can impact them as kids and later teenagers, and so sometimes giving in to them (negotiating with terrorists) is not a good strategy. But perhaps I over stated my feelings about it- I just mean that I am the grown up, I get to decide that it's important to brush her teeth. Like a dont let the inmates run the asylum type analogy

I have a 3.5 year old and I agree about not letting them get their way with everything. But physically manhandling her and forcing her to do things isn't going to work beyond that one time you get her to brush her teeth or wash her hair. (My now 8 year old HATED getting her hair washed - still hates it - but we just did it, tears and all. Decided that once/week was enough, not necessary to do more. There were tears, but I kept my voice low and calm, tried to help with a washcloth, explained the why. And it got better though never perfect. But I would avoid "forcing" or manhandling. ) Good luck - I can commiserate about the challenges of three year old tantrums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:*Think of it as an illness that will pass, if that helps you. Darn autocorrect.

NP. I feel like I should tattoo the phrase "This is a phase that will pass" on me somewhere for all of the times I have thought it during my childrens' lives. The best advice I ever heard from my Mom.

[Anonymous]

Spank.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD has epic tantrums. She was a colicky infant and a fussy baby. She started having tantrums at about 20 months. Definitely got worse and seemed to level off around 3.5 and has slowly gotten better. Our strategy was when she would start screaming I would tell her, as calmly as I could, that I understood she was upset because she had to brush her teeth (or pick up the food she threw or whatever it was) was that it was fine for her to be upset but if she was going to scream she needed to go to her room. This was often said as I was carrying her like a football, to avoid a flailing elbow to the eye, to her room. It usually took her about 45 minutes to calm down. Then when she was calm I would go in and sit with her and reassure her that I loved her and was not angry with her and that now we were going to go brush her teeth or pick up the food etc. At the peak this was happening 3-4 times a day. It was utterly exhausting. As she got older we worked on teaching her to recognize when she was starting to feel overwhelmed and to removed herself from the situation.

She’s six now and has maybe 1-2 a week and can calm herself with ten minutes. We recently had a party at our home with what ended up being almost her entire class. She did great for the first hour then stated to get overwhelmed. From across the room I could see she was in a situation where she looked like she was going to blow. Before I could interview she walked over to me and said, “I need to go be alone in my room for a while.” Twenty minutes later she came out and was fine the rest of the party. I cried that night I was so proud of her and the progress that she has made. There is hope OP! Hang in there and be consistent.

And to the snarky people who think I am a terrible mom for leaving her alone in her room. we tried multiple other approaches over the years and they only made the situation worse.

PP, this sounds like my 3.5 year old. I’m starting to see signs that she is really just overwhelmed when this happens, and once the switch flips, it takes at least 15-20 minutes to calm down, and that’s assuming nothing else (for example, someone yelling at her) happens during that time. When she did this, how did you keep her in her room? We have tried getting our daughter to cry it out (or scream and throw things!) in her room in these situations but she just comes back out and does so throughout the house.

[Anonymous]

PP, this sounds like my 3.5 year old. I’m starting to see signs that she is really just overwhelmed when this happens, and once the switch flips, it takes at least 15-20 minutes to calm down, and that’s assuming nothing else (for example, someone yelling at her) happens during that time. When she did this, how did you keep her in her room? We have tried getting our daughter to cry it out (or scream and throw things!) in her room in these situations but she just comes back out and does so throughout the house.

We started by holding the door shut but that didn't work for a variety of reasons. One I was spending hours holding it shut and two it made it seem like it was a battle between us and would escalate the situation. So we made sure her room was safe and then turned the door knob around so that it locked from the outside. She got REALLY mad the first couple days we did this, then got use to it. We took everything but the bed, dresser, and chair out of her room, to stop the throwing things.

I really did try to watch and see if she was getting overwhelmed or if she was overtired or hungry as these were all triggers. But there was many times when she would go from happy go lucky to demon possessed in five seconds.

The one thing our Ped recommended was whatever method we chose to deal with it was to be consistent. I really thought it would go away in a couple months. I never would have guessed it would take years. I think it was part our consistency and part her just maturing. I really wanted her to learn to control herself when she is upset. I figured it would be harder to undo the screaming fits as a teenager then to deal with it as a two year old.

Best of luck to you.