Girlfriend Wants A Specific Ring..

[Anonymous]

Do what my husband did. Take me to the store and show me 5 rings that I could choose from. First say “it’s all OUR money now”.

I picked the one I liked best, but not the most expensive ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You two need to TALK about it.
I designed my ring, and we discussed whether DH was OK with it. I would never have gone with something that he wasn't comfortable with.

This. You're considering a major purchase that will impact other financial decisions in your life. I think it's actually really sweet that you paid attention to something she liked and are trying to surprise her with it, but if she's financially reasonable, she will also understand the trade-off you'd be making. I'm a little odd in that I didn't want an engagement ring at all, but I really wouldn't have wanted now-DH spending a huge sum of money on something I'm supposed to wear everyday without consulting me. I'm pickier than average, but I know more than one woman who wouldn't have picked out the ring that she ultimately got.

If you can find a ring that you know she'd love in a budget that doesn't feel unreasonable to you, then I'd say go for it. But I wouldn't risk spending an uncomfortable sum of money without discussing it with her. FWIW, almost all of my friends who have engagement rings helped pick them out. Except for one, those that didn't got very simple stones and settings that are pretty difficult not to like. The one other friend, her now-DH actually reached out to me, another friend of hers, her mom, and his mom to iterate through some design options. She loved the ring, which has a unique design, but it's not like he tried to figure it out all on his own. Maybe you could reach out to the friend she saw the other ring with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP How old are you and how long have you been at this income level? At your HHI and no mortgage, you should be maxing out both of your 401k's and saving a boatload towards a down payment already. If you aren't you need to seriously look at your spending habits. If it's going towards rent, move and save!

This is bigger than what you can v should spend. You are already not on the same page about money. Before you get married, be sure you are on at least a similar page about finances. Money is the #1 thing most married couples fight about. I suggest meeting with a financial planner and looking at your plan holistically so you can plan for the ring, wedding, honeymoon, house, possible children, retirement etc. Map out your goals as a couple now. It will tell you a lot about whether you should get married or not.

+1 How much you can afford to spend should be looked with respect to all of your other expenses and goals. If you have a house that’s all paid for, your retirement all set and college educations all paid for, you can blow as much as you want on diamonds. But if you don’t, spending 30K may not be the wisest choice right now.

Looking at rings in magazines is different than seeing them in real life. Take her to a jewelry store or two to try on different diamond and ring styles to see what she really likes. She may actually like something else better than the Asscher cut stone.

Don’t make the actual ring a surprise. Here’s a thread from a fiancée who wasn’t so thrilled at what she got — you may want to read it and absorb the lessons: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/580150.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If her was looking, maybe next time go with she.

Haha, I love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If her was looking, maybe next time go with she.

Haha, I love you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP How old are you and how long have you been at this income level? At your HHI and no mortgage, you should be maxing out both of your 401k's and saving a boatload towards a down payment already. If you aren't you need to seriously look at your spending habits. If it's going towards rent, move and save!

This is bigger than what you can v should spend. You are already not on the same page about money. Before you get married, be sure you are on at least a similar page about finances. Money is the #1 thing most married couples fight about. I suggest meeting with a financial planner and looking at your plan holistically so you can plan for the ring, wedding, honeymoon, house, possible children, retirement etc. Map out your goals as a couple now. It will tell you a lot about whether you should get married or not.

Op here. I think maybe my title wasn’t the best. My girlfriend pointed out the style she liked with her friend, but she has not asked me to buy a certain ring, or even knows how much all of that costs. I want it to be a surprise, so we haven’t discussed the ring itself at all. I am thinking of going with a smaller Asscher cut ( 1.5 carats) or a round ( 2 carat) with a pave band.

I am 35 and have been making that since 31/32. I have a large savings account, but have some debt ( nothing substantial). I own a condo and I don’t spend frivolously. My girlfriend just graduated a year ago from grad school. She has some money saved, but used most of her savings to pay off student loans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$30-40k is a crazy amount. Don’t ever spend more than $5-10k.

Even my poor friends have rings that are more than 5k.

And that might be why your poor friends remain poor. My DH and I were just out of grad school when we got engaged. He gave me a gorgeous vintage ring that cost $1000. I love it and I’ll never “upgrade”, even though we now could buy something much more expensive.

The size of the ring doesn’t equal the size of the love between a couple. My parents never bothered with rings at all. Married 41 years. Meanwhile I know several couples who flaunted their 3 karat rings who are now divorcing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP How old are you and how long have you been at this income level? At your HHI and no mortgage, you should be maxing out both of your 401k's and saving a boatload towards a down payment already. If you aren't you need to seriously look at your spending habits. If it's going towards rent, move and save!

This is bigger than what you can v should spend. You are already not on the same page about money. Before you get married, be sure you are on at least a similar page about finances. Money is the #1 thing most married couples fight about. I suggest meeting with a financial planner and looking at your plan holistically so you can plan for the ring, wedding, honeymoon, house, possible children, retirement etc. Map out your goals as a couple now. It will tell you a lot about whether you should get married or not.

+1 How much you can afford to spend should be looked with respect to all of your other expenses and goals. If you have a house that’s all paid for, your retirement all set and college educations all paid for, you can blow as much as you want on diamonds. But if you don’t, spending 30K may not be the wisest choice right now.

Looking at rings in magazines is different than seeing them in real life. Take her to a jewelry store or two to try on different diamond and ring styles to see what she really likes. She may actually like something else better than the Asscher cut stone.

Don’t make the actual ring a surprise. Here’s a thread from a fiancée who wasn’t so thrilled at what she got — you may want to read it and absorb the lessons: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/580150.page

Op here. I can afford $30k, but I feel that’s a crazy amount. We can use that towards so many other things like a home, new car, kids, etc. I think closer to $20k is more reasonable.

[Anonymous]

https://www.estatediamondjewelry.com/product/asscher-ring/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$30-40k is a crazy amount. Don’t ever spend more than $5-10k.

+1

$5k is cheap. I think $10-20k is more reasonable for a good quality diamond.

That is a ridiculous amount of money for a ring. Even $5k is too much.

[Anonymous]

Based on further information provided by the OP, I’m getting the feeling he is insecure and much too concerned with impressing others, particularly his social circle. If you live in an expensive area like DC, your income is too low for a 20-30K ring. You will want a house, to pay off debt, save for retirement, etc. If you want kids, add childcare costs, possibly private school tuition and college savings. If you are making your salary in a lower COL area, you probably can afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If these women are going to act high maintenance over a ring and making a man spend more than he can afford,
then my advice is to run. Marriage can be very very hard even if you are not married to a demanding diva.

I agree.

--Wife married 25 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Based on further information provided by the OP, I’m getting the feeling he is insecure and much too concerned with impressing others, particularly his social circle. If you live in an expensive area like DC, your income is too low for a 20-30K ring. You will want a house, to pay off debt, save for retirement, etc. If you want kids, add childcare costs, possibly private school tuition and college savings. If you are making your salary in a lower COL area, you probably can afford it.

Op here. I don’t live in DC. I live in the Midwest. $250k is higher than the average HHI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Based on further information provided by the OP, I’m getting the feeling he is insecure and much too concerned with impressing others, particularly his social circle. If you live in an expensive area like DC, your income is too low for a 20-30K ring. You will want a house, to pay off debt, save for retirement, etc. If you want kids, add childcare costs, possibly private school tuition and college savings. If you are making your salary in a lower COL area, you probably can afford it.

$250k is low? The median HHI in DC is $95k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:https://www.estatediamondjewelry.com/product/asscher-ring/

That rinf is not a good value. The color is not good quality.