How to handle--better boundaries or do I just need to let go?

[Anonymous]

To me, this is likely part anxiety and part resentment about the amount of "mom work" she is putting into hostessing your FIL's family. It's interesting that apparently they have all this paperwork drawn up but aren't married....why is that? Is she really, truly 100% ok with not being married, or is she going along with it to keep your FIL or because there's some external reason she can't get remarried (alimony payments, etc?) I'm just curious, because I am sensing resentment toward the hostessing in particular that might not be as evident if she were the true matriarch.

I also think the age difference might be really making itself apparent to her. Maybe she's just tired and has to do a lot of behind the scenes caretaking for your FIL and has no gas left for people who aren't her favorites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me, this is likely part anxiety and part resentment about the amount of "mom work" she is putting into hostessing your FIL's family. It's interesting that apparently they have all this paperwork drawn up but aren't married....why is that? Is she really, truly 100% ok with not being married, or is she going along with it to keep your FIL or because there's some external reason she can't get remarried (alimony payments, etc?) I'm just curious, because I am sensing resentment toward the hostessing in particular that might not be as evident if she were the true matriarch.

I also think the age difference might be really making itself apparent to her. Maybe she's just tired and has to do a lot of behind the scenes caretaking for your FIL and has no gas left for people who aren't her favorites.

This is OP--to answer your first question, there's a lot I don't understand about their relationship but TBH I have decided not to speculate or think about this at all, anymore. But based on past discussions I assume it is because of alimony. I have no idea if either she or FIL wish they could be married but there are many ways in which they/we are not a "blended" family (i.e. they often spend holidays apart, she travels to see her family without him and vice versa at least half the time, etc)

As for the age difference, I think this is true as far as, he's a grandparent (has been for a good while) and she isn't and likely won't be anytime soon. Other than that, FIL plays tennis 3-4 times per week, has a volunteer job, and as far as I know she actually has more health issues than he does. I don't doubt that she does more housework and cooking and such, and it is definitely clear that she has nothing left for her non-favorites. Thinking of it in those terms actually gave me a little chuckle for some reason and is probably a good way to think of it going forward!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you and your DH should organize a big get-together for extended family. It sounds like you'd enjoy that, and they probably would too.

OP again. This is a good suggestion and something SIL and I have discussed. We actually live pretty far from one another with FIL in the middle, but some of DH's extended family is close to her and we could all get together there or have people here, and I think many extended family members would be happy to join. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

‘In the end, DH went and the kids and I sat out.’

Either all go, or no one goes. And to revoke after driving several hours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have read all the posts, yours especially. It seems like people have given you a lot of very good suggestions. I have not seen a single suggestion that you have whole-heartedly or even half-a**ed embraced.

You want to visit your FIL on YOUR terms and it doesn't seem like anything else will do. I say this because for every suggestion that has been put forward, you've given a "reason" (read excuse) why that suggestion won't work.

At this point I think you need to reconcile yourself to the fact that you are entrenched in your perspective. It really seems as though it is your way or the highway, baby.

If you truly want to change the status quo then you need to make the first change. When you're ready to do that, come back and read the responses you've gotten by all the posters. There is no doubt in my mind that some of these suggestions will work when you're willing to make them work!

I think you describe many posters on Dcum, but I don't think this is an accurate description of OP. I think OP has already tried many of the suggestions, but does sound open to reconsidering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To me, this is likely part anxiety and part resentment about the amount of "mom work" she is putting into hostessing your FIL's family. It's interesting that apparently they have all this paperwork drawn up but aren't married....why is that? Is she really, truly 100% ok with not being married, or is she going along with it to keep your FIL or because there's some external reason she can't get remarried (alimony payments, etc?) I'm just curious, because I am sensing resentment toward the hostessing in particular that might not be as evident if she were the true matriarch.

I also think the age difference might be really making itself apparent to her. Maybe she's just tired and has to do a lot of behind the scenes caretaking for your FIL and has no gas left for people who aren't her favorites.

This is OP--to answer your first question, there's a lot I don't understand about their relationship but TBH I have decided not to speculate or think about this at all, anymore. But based on past discussions I assume it is because of alimony. I have no idea if either she or FIL wish they could be married but there are many ways in which they/we are not a "blended" family (i.e. they often spend holidays apart, she travels to see her family without him and vice versa at least half the time, etc)

As for the age difference, I think this is true as far as, he's a grandparent (has been for a good while) and she isn't and likely won't be anytime soon. Other than that, FIL plays tennis 3-4 times per week, has a volunteer job, and as far as I know she actually has more health issues than he does. I don't doubt that she does more housework and cooking and such, and it is definitely clear that she has nothing left for her non-favorites. Thinking of it in those terms actually gave me a little chuckle for some reason and is probably a good way to think of it going forward!

I am married to an older man who has grandchildren, and I have wondered about the situation with regard to the FIL and GF not being married. I think of my husband's family as "our" family, and it would never occur to me to treat them differently than my own children. However, it could be that she sees hosting the grandchildren as something she hadn't signed up to do, whether because she wants to get married and he doesn't or she doesn't want to get married because she doesn't want those responsibilities. The fact that the relationship has gotten chiller over time makes me think it's the former. All this said, I think op is right to stay out of that and do what she can to keep a good relationship with the fil.