Reply to How to handle--better boundaries or do I just need to let go?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]To me, this is likely part anxiety and part resentment about the amount of "mom work" she is putting into hostessing your FIL's family.  It's interesting that apparently they have all this paperwork drawn up but aren't married....why is that?  Is she really, truly 100% ok with not being married, or is she going along with it to keep your FIL or because there's some external reason she can't get remarried (alimony payments, etc?) I'm just curious, because I am sensing resentment toward the hostessing in particular that might not be as evident if she were the true matriarch.

I also think the age difference might be really making itself apparent to her.  Maybe she's just tired and has to do a lot of behind the scenes caretaking for your FIL and has no gas left for people who aren't her favorites.  [/quote]

This is OP--to answer your first question, there's a lot I don't understand about their relationship but TBH I have decided not to speculate or think about this at all, anymore.  But based on past discussions I assume it is because of alimony.  I have no idea if either she or FIL wish they could be married but there are many ways in which they/we are not a "blended" family (i.e. they often spend holidays apart, she travels to see her family without him and vice versa at least half the time, etc)

As for the age difference, I think this is true as far as, he's a grandparent (has been for a good while) and she isn't and likely won't be anytime soon.  Other than that, FIL plays tennis 3-4 times per week, has a volunteer job, and as far as I know she actually has more health issues than he does.  I don't doubt that she does more housework and cooking and such, and it is definitely clear that she has nothing left for her non-favorites.  Thinking of it in those terms actually gave me a little chuckle for some reason and is probably a good way to think of it going forward![/quote]

I am married to an older man who has grandchildren, and I have wondered about the situation with regard to the FIL and GF not being married. I think of my husband's family as "our" family, and it would never occur to me to treat them differently than my own children. However, it could be that she sees hosting the grandchildren as something she hadn't signed up to do, whether because she wants to get married and he doesn't or she doesn't want to get married because she doesn't want those responsibilities.  The fact that the relationship has gotten chiller over time makes me think it's the former. All this said, I think op is right to stay out of that and do what she can to keep a good relationship with the fil. [/quote]

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