I want my MIL to stop sending 10 lbs of candy for every minor holiday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have at least 2 issues besides the candy:

1) You have a resentment for your MIL's obesity and her ability to function. You sound like her disability from her obesity annoys you. You sound like you might be afraid that she is teaching your children her poor eating habits.

2) You sound like you resent that she is spoiling your children and you have to play "bad mommy" to her "fun grandma" role.

I don't mean to go all white knight here on DCUM - but my MIL has some similar stuff. (And let me preface this by saying: I LOVE my inlaws. I love my husband. This is just the lay of the land, not a piece of a landscape of resentment.)

My husband is obese. He comes from a family of obese people who constantly talk about needing to lose weight - while the table is covered in dessert after dessert. When we were home seeing them at Christmas, my husband had just gone through a very serious diabetic episode, which his mother knew about - and she was still encouraging him to eat cake and potatoes. I love my inlaws, like I said - and I could have throttled them. My MIL baked my husband's favorite cake, even knowing he couldn't eat it. Like someone else said - I think this food stuff is all tied up in showing love, but it's also pretty destructive.

So there are good reasons to worry about what the parents are encouraging in the kids.

The candy sounds annoying. You've gotten some good suggestions, OP. I would ask her to stop - just explain that you don't want your kids eating that much candy, so you're either going to have to give it away or throw it away when she sends it. Then either give it away or throw it away when she sends it. But don't harp on it with her; just do what you need to do with the candy. Don't get too exercised about it, just do what you need to do - and let it go.

[Anonymous]

She actually sounds like a loving grandma, expresses her love the way she knows how. You sound like an evil witch.

[Anonymous]

I have a family member who gives food as well as other gifts excessively. While part of me wanted to address it by asking her to refrain, I realized that would make me feel better (less junk) but would definitely make her feel worse long-term, and probably cause permanent distance between us. So now I donate her gifts or give them to friends with no guilt; I don’t need to keep these things to participate in the exchange of kind sentiments they represent.

[Anonymous]

“Larla and Larlo get one treat per day, usually at school. If you send candy, I have to throw most of it out. But if you send ____they can keep it and enjoy it.”

You open all packages without kids. If she sends candy, you toss it and give them the card with like 2 pieces pf candy. But you have to make reasonable suggestions for alternatives. My in-laws know that we love stickers and balloons and bubbles and sidewalk chalk. Those are all things they can get in various holiday themes, usually right alongside the candy at the grocery store. If they go overboard and send too much, we just do a big project (one time I spent an hour friday night blowing up like a hundred balloons to make a ball pit in the playroom. Kids had a blast, then I popped them all and the balloon collection was back to manageable size).

[Anonymous]

You also need to be aware that one part of your issue comes down to the fact that you think she fat and gross and you judge her for it. keep that attitude in check when you deal with her. Too much candy is a problem because it is too much candy. If she looked like Jane Fonda and sent your kids 10 lb bags of candy it would still be a problem. Stay on topic.

[Anonymous]

It must cost her a ton in shipping and postage to send 10 pounds of candy to more than one child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yeah, throw the candy away if treats 4x a year is such a struggle but maybe also deal with how you hate your MIL for being fat and are terrified and angry that your children are related to her.

+1

You sound like the jerk, OP, not your MIL.

We get a ton of candy from my mom. Tons, more than what you describe, and year-round not just related to holidays. For years, I let my kids pick a few pieces and then quietly dumped the rest. I did tell my mom at one point (and only mildly) that while they loved the gifts, they couldn't eat it all, and some of it went to waste, so could she consider scaling back a bit. She scaled back minimally. And yes, it was frustrating to me because it was extra work for me. But I thought that keeping a close relationship was more important than me griping about throwing out a few extra bags of candy once or twice a month.

Years later they're teens, with a very close relationship to their grandmother. Grandmother still gives them candy; they give her a hug, laugh about how much she gave them, eat a little of it, and toss the rest away on their own. Also, because OP will care about this although frankly it shouldn't matter, my kids are all very athletic and have no problem whatsoever with obesity. But what they do have is a grandmother who adores them, and who they can confide in, and who they want to spend time with, which I consider a gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She actually sounds like a loving grandma, expresses her love the way she knows how. You sound like an evil witch.

No, she is acting out her illness, at the expense of her grandchildren's health. I know because I have stepmother who does same thing. "Eat, eat, eat," when the eating is killing you, is not love.

Also, for those who act like it's "nothing," my outdoor garbage can is literally full when my parents leave after a visit. The volume of junk brought into the home is nauseating. She buys pounds of treats for my dog, who cannot eat them because she vomits. My stepmother walks into my house, says, "I know your poor dog can't eat them, but I was in Costco and I couldn't resist, so here you go." We also get Costco boxes of goldfish, cheetohs, and pringles, not to mention candy. Even if we wanted to eat it, we don't have room to store it. I am not going to be cruel about it, but it is incredibly frustrating to deal with irrational and compulsive behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
"Hello MIL, from now on we have decided to stop the candy train. Thank you so much for sending candy in the past. Please don't send any more."

"Hello MIL, thank you for the candy we received today. I got rid of it, since I told you we were not accepting candy anymore. I appreciate the thought, however."

"Hmm, what candy? Oh, I don't open your packages anymore now. They go straight in the trash."

And then she'll get it.

OP doesn't need to be cruel. The MIL is trying desperately to shower love on her grandchildren. There's a better way to handles this then "they go straight in the trash."

+1 I honestly don't know how some of these posters have any loving family relationships at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She actually sounds like a loving grandma, expresses her love the way she knows how. You sound like an evil witch.

No, she is acting out her illness, at the expense of her grandchildren's health. I know because I have stepmother who does same thing. "Eat, eat, eat," when the eating is killing you, is not love.

Also, for those who act like it's "nothing," my outdoor garbage can is literally full when my parents leave after a visit. The volume of junk brought into the home is nauseating. She buys pounds of treats for my dog, who cannot eat them because she vomits. My stepmother walks into my house, says, "I know your poor dog can't eat them, but I was in Costco and I couldn't resist, so here you go." We also get Costco boxes of goldfish, cheetohs, and pringles, not to mention candy. Even if we wanted to eat it, we don't have room to store it. I am not going to be cruel about it, but it is incredibly frustrating to deal with irrational and compulsive behavior.

I'm PP immediately above you with teens now and with a mom who gives more candy than OPs MIL. Believe me, I get it. In fact you are both right. She is a loving grandma, and she's also acting out her illness, though I think you're being ridiculously overdramatic by claiming it's at the expense of her grandchildren's health.

Here's the thing: it's not going to change. You can possibly shave a little off the edges -- I was able to reduce the candy somewhat by focusing mildly on how it was likely to be wasted because the kids couldn't eat it all -- but at heart you cannot change the behavior. Personally I think my mom has a bad case of undiagnosed ADHD but believe me, that's not getting any therapy or intervention any time so it's not going to change.

So what are your options? You can only change your response, not her. You really have to decide what you want to teach your kids about tolerance -- after all, how you treat your MIL is how they'll treat you in 30 years -- and also how much you want your kids to learn about loving people with imperfections. I get how frustrating it is. Believe me, I have been really angry at times over the amount of extra work that it causes me. But years later I am so glad I didn't destroy their relationship over my own frustrations.

Also, believe me when I say that your kids are watching and learning. I see it with my teens. How you treat your MIL now is what they are learning about how to treat older family members, and that's going to be you someday.

[Anonymous]

Please people, if you have unopened treats and food from in laws, donate it rather than throwing it away!

There are lots of poor hungry people in this area whose kids would love to have a treat once in a while. If you have excess dog treats shelters would love them. Take ten minutes and try to find the nearest place to donate. That way, at least all this crap won't be wasted and going into a landfill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please people, if you have unopened treats and food from in laws, donate it rather than throwing it away!

There are lots of poor hungry people in this area whose kids would love to have a treat once in a while. If you have excess dog treats shelters would love them. Take ten minutes and try to find the nearest place to donate. That way, at least all this crap won't be wasted and going into a landfill.

I'm PP with the mom who gives more than OP's MIL. I do not donate, I toss, and I think that's the right thing to do.

First of all, this stuff is not healthy. Frankly I do not think it should be donated. It belongs in the trash. But second of all, you are wrong that charities want this stuff. They don't. Years ago (and it's probably even more rigid now), I looked into it, but most local nursing homes, food pantries, etc. don't want it. In fact our local food back explicitly states that they won't accept candy.

I think it's a sweet sentiment to donate it, but not practical or actually a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Also if I am trashing it because I think it's unhealthy, it feels wrong to donate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also if I am trashing it because I think it's unhealthy, it feels wrong to donate it.

Oh please, now you are regulating other people's diets? If it is donated it might go to a safe house or orphanage, or overseas or Good will or who knows where. Now being divided between many, many people. They might end up at Second Harvest from retailers, or American Pantry or Operation Troop Treats, Operation Gratitude, divided among many, many people and kids. But, you keep on knowing what is best for a kid or a soldier overseas. On top of it, candy lasts over 11 months, so plenty can be saved to fill stockings or give it as presents to your kids friends. But, you keep an eye on all the kids around the world health! My mom is overweight, and buys candy for my teens and sends it from Europe so they can have treats here that they like. It would break her heart if I told her I threw it away, nor would I ever do such a nasty thing. My kids know full well it is an act of love and are far from eating it all in one hour. My US FIL takes my kids to bakeries and buys them treats, DD lets him and indulges him and she clearly says, he is happy doing it so I play along. She never eats all that he buys, it happens couple of times per year, no harm in it at all.

[Anonymous]

Why doesn't your husband manage this relationship? This is his mother.

He could ask her to send less candy.

If he didn't want to do that, he could intercept the candy and take the extras to work. Or the fire station, or the elementary school, or whatever.

OP, I suspect that a reasonable amount of your frustration might be due to the fact that your husband is ducking out on responsibility for managing the family relationship with his mother.