Settling at 32.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my advice. Assume you'll never get married. Wake up tomorrow and just live the best life you can. Go on dates but don't put a lot of stake in them. View each date as a way to make a new friend. Try and get to know men you date and stop focusing on the superficial things. Instead try and find someone you have fun with. That's all you need to do. You may be surprised who you have fun with and who you enjoy kissing and eventually having sex with. I would try going out with some men who aren't your "type." You may be surprised.

Signed,

Wife of clean cut, conservative, good looking, "good family," high wage earner who doesn't make me that happy. I was a little too focused on the good on paper and instead should of concentrated on having fun and having fun without alcohol. I'm lonely.

I'm not too sure about this. So many people marry someone who is fun in bed, but can't stand be married or parenting with them because their values are totally different.

I do agree OP should be willing to try men outside of her checklist.

PP. this is true. I should focus on the positives which is I have a lot in common with my spouse. Similar values, view on raising children, growing wealth

But you also need a real spark. And attraction. Or you’ll be miserable and sexless and basically roommates in 8 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my advice. Assume you'll never get married. Wake up tomorrow and just live the best life you can. Go on dates but don't put a lot of stake in them. View each date as a way to make a new friend. Try and get to know men you date and stop focusing on the superficial things. Instead try and find someone you have fun with. That's all you need to do. You may be surprised who you have fun with and who you enjoy kissing and eventually having sex with. I would try going out with some men who aren't your "type." You may be surprised.

Signed,

Wife of clean cut, conservative, good looking, "good family," high wage earner who doesn't make me that happy. I was a little too focused on the good on paper and instead should of concentrated on having fun and having fun without alcohol. I'm lonely.

I'm not too sure about this. So many people marry someone who is fun in bed, but can't stand be married or parenting with them because their values are totally different.

I do agree OP should be willing to try men outside of her checklist.

PP. this is true. I should focus on the positives which is I have a lot in common with my spouse. Similar values, view on raising children, growing wealth

But you also need a real spark. And attraction. Or you’ll be miserable and sexless and basically roommates in 8 years.

I agree you should be attracted to your mate, but the sex or attraction shouldn't be your only reason for marrying them.

[Anonymous]

My list in no particular order was like this:

1. Attractive to me
2. Values/worldview that matched
3. Preferred racial background.

I found all those things in my DH who I met at 35 at my graduation from PA school. He was the older brother of one of my classmates. 6 years and 2 kids, a dog, and a cat later I couldn't be happier.

[Anonymous]

A beard would be a deal breaker for me because it signifies hipster or outdoorsy type. Why does this make OP a troll? Preferences have a lot of connotations surrounding them beyond the surface elements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah some of your list is fairly superficial. My friends with lists like that are single.

Yep, everyone I know with lists is 40 and alone. People and relationships are way to complicated for these kind of constraints.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A beard would be a deal breaker for me because it signifies hipster or outdoorsy type. Why does this make OP a troll? Preferences have a lot of connotations surrounding them beyond the surface elements.

The beard-troll thing has been explained multiple times. Stop being lazy and read before you post.

A bear preference alone doesn't make you a troll A bear being a deal breaker does mean you are a little immature.

[Anonymous]

I work with many single women who wanted to get married and have children and didn't.
Two had in vitro babies when they were 40.
Three adopted children.
One (in her sixties now) just says she can't believe she never married and had children.
So if I were you, I would consider marrying someone just to have a family, yes.
I know of three Indian couples who have arranged marriages. I don't know them well enough to know how happy they are.

[Anonymous]

I swore I'd never date a smoker. It was my one non-negotiable. SURPRISE! Saw the cutest boy on-line, but he was a smoker. Went on a date anyway because I'd made peace with being 38, never getting married or having kids. It's not like this online dating thing works, right?!

20 months later, we were married. And now we have a kid. And still madly in love with each other. (And he quit smoking)

All my friends who married in their mid-30's, all had horrible divorces with nasty custody battles or are in miserable marriages.

What's worse than being single forever, is being in a bad marriage. Having to go home to a place that sucks the soul out of you. And watching how that affects your kids. And seeing them pick mates and create the same f'd up dynamic they witnessed at home.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you want kids, I say pick the best choice you have now and marry him, even if he's not your Mr Perfect. It's much easier having kids earlier in life, than being an older mom. I had my kid when I was 26, and I couldn't imagine having my first now at 38. Whole different energy level and outlook on life.

[Anonymous]

Op I agree I detest facial hair but so many guys have it these days I think you should strike it. Facial hair can be shaven.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sorry for you if you would make such a bad decision because you can’t be alone.

Op here. You don't know me to be making that assumption. I spent a good 5 years being single in my 20's. I dated around but didn't date anyone for more than a couple of months. I am more than fine being alone, but the reality is my time for children is decreasing, and I definitely want a family. I don't want to be 40 and never have a child.

A couple of options:
1. Marry the guy and have a baby but have a marriage that's meh.
2. Wait a few more years and hope to meet the right guy.
3. If you don't meet the right guy, have a baby and be a single mom. That's probably better than marrying a guy you're not really in love with.

Do not do this.

Why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of these things are superficial. Being kind, employed, good company, and attractive to you--that's a better foundation for a relationship. I think your list is part of the problem.

Op here. I do want a kind, respectful, and loyal man, but I also want a guy who makes comparable to my salary. I came from a poor and then middle income family growing up. My family was once homeless when I was about 7 years old, and lived in a poverty stricken area. I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. I want better for my future children.

So make your own damn money. Don't be financially dependent on anyone else. I grew up with a single mom and that's what I learned from that situation. Easy come, easy go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I agree I detest facial hair but so many guys have it these days I think you should strike it. Facial hair can be shaven.

However I think the rest of your list is fine. Unless you live in DC, in which case the republican requirement is unrealistic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah some of your list is fairly superficial. My friends with lists like that are single.

Yep, everyone I know with lists is 40 and alone. People and relationships are way to complicated for these kind of constraints.

In fairness to OP, someone asked her for a list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sorry for you if you would make such a bad decision because you can’t be alone.

Op here. You don't know me to be making that assumption. I spent a good 5 years being single in my 20's. I dated around but didn't date anyone for more than a couple of months. I am more than fine being alone, but the reality is my time for children is decreasing, and I definitely want a family. I don't want to be 40 and never have a child.

A couple of options:
1. Marry the guy and have a baby but have a marriage that's meh.
2. Wait a few more years and hope to meet the right guy.
3. If you don't meet the right guy, have a baby and be a single mom. That's probably better than marrying a guy you're not really in love with.

Do not do this.

Why not?

Trap some guy for child support and have custody battles?