Do you care about making your parents happy in their old age?

[Anonymous]

About as much as they've cared about making me happy...so, not much. My mom is showing early signs of dementia at 70 and I already know I cannot be her caregiver, it would destroy me. I just hope my dad outlasts her.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I care very much about my parents living out their old age in comfort and happiness. They were great parents to me and I want to give back as they get older. My in-laws on the other hand....It will pain me very much to have to open my wallet and even more to open my home to them. They have gone out of their way to harm my marriage and make me feel less than welcome in their family.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the pages of responses but here is my response to the question ...

I do not do anything special to MAKE my parents BE HAPPY; however, I do care a lot about whether they are doing things to make themselves happy. My point is that people themselves are responsible for their own happiness.

Now, if you are asking if I have a good relationship with my parents (yes), if I would consider a request from them (yes), and if I would do something I didn't want to do but do it anyway for them (yes).

But it all goes back to having an already good relationship with my parents. I cannot imagine that there is anything they could / would ask me to do that wouldn't be to my / my family's benefit anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for your replies so far. I should clarify - I am talking about at the point where they really start to need care because they can't drive, are isolated, forget medications, have difficulty paying bills, etc.

At that point is it all about obligation or does part of you want to make sure they feel loved and looked after during that period?

My FIL lives with us since my MIL passed away. My FIL has Alzheimer's. We have completely rearranged the structure of our home to ensure that he is in a safe place with good caretakers. His financial situation is very stable and we could have found a facility for his care but we vastly prefer him to live with us. Our family benefits tremendously from his daily presence in our lives. We do have deposits at two facilities in case his medical requirements change and become much more pronounced (right now we are only dealing with declining mental faculties). I feel certain that my FIL's physical and mental health now is greatly superior to what it would have been if he had been placed in an assisted living facility. Any physical demands and stress on us related to having him in our home is offset by our delight in having him with us.

My parents likewise are very secure financially. My SIL and BIL have already had plans drawn up for a one-story addition to their house, connected via a breezeway, and will hopefully break ground soon. We also have deposits at three different facilities for their care if they choose that route. My BIL feels very strongly that he would prefer my parents in this addition rather than an assisted living facility; his parents are deceased already and my BIL has a very strong sense of family and feels a huge loss at not having his parents around now. My sister will do whatever she believes will make my parents the happiest and most comfortable. Both my sister and BIL have seen how my FIL is thriving and we all want that for our parents.

Interestingly, all of our children have indicated that they all appreciate having their grandparents around and have expressed that it is their expectation to care for us similarly when we are older. We've asked because we were worried that it was too much of a burden on them. Turns out, they feel the same way we do.

It hasn't been easy and there are some people who assume either that my FIL has no money or that my husband and I are doing a money grab but frankly those assumptions say more about the assumers than they do about us. I don't care about appearances. I only care that we are doing the right thing for the people we love.

[Anonymous]

I have an elderly mother who lives with us and for me it is incredibly taxing. Honestly, I don't care if she's happy or not.....that's pretty far down the list of priorities. I focus on her health....getting her to numerous doctor appointments, making sure she strictly adheres to a complicated medication schedule that goes beyond simply popping pills, making sure her nutritional plan is implemented, making sure she baths regularly and changes her clothes daily, making sure her PT gets done, paying her bills, maintaining her home which is four states away, and so on. It's a huge job and I've found that I am just not well equipped to be a caregiver. I resent all of the things I can't do because of the things I have to do and our relationship has had many ups and downs over the years. When I'm in the middle of cooking her favorite dinner (only to be inevitably told it's mediocre) because it's the only way she'll eat I find myself thinking of all of the terribly selfish and frankly mean-spirited things she's done over the years. I don't know....sorry to babble on but your post touched a nerve. I know she won't be around too much longer but her dementia makes it very hard day to day and candidly I'm not even sure what would make her happy anymore. Her life just sucks but it makes mine suck at a time when I should be spending time with my children who will be off to college in the blink of an eye.