Difference in treatment between sons and daughters

[Anonymous]

There are zillions of threads on DCUM about MILs expecting to be treated identically to mothers. Except when a DIL wants her family to have similar treatment to a daughter's family, everyone says it's fine. I would hate to be the mother of sons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:he's not the favorite.

+1. The dependable, steadfast ones are rarely actually the favorite, in fact it's often the opposite. I often wonder if the constant efforts to help out the family and be there for them by non-favorites are an attempt to become the favorite or counteract the constant favoring of one of the other siblings.

In my own family, my oldest sister (and her husband) is by far the one that has done the most for my parents but my mother doesn't even really seem to like her. My middle sister is the biggest taker, my parents adore her and she has always been the favorite. I live far away and stay the hell out of it.

+1

Preach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Favoritism and preferential treatment are two different things. During childhood, my brother was clearly my mom's favorite; she liked him better than me and our other brother and admitted to it once we were older. Even so, she spoiled me because she and my dad both think that girls should have pretty things. When I got my driver's license, my parents would excitedly chat about getting me a convertible and discuss what color and model it should be. When my brothers complained about driving our dad's old van, our parents replied, well K is a girl, you don't expect her to drive an old van, do you?? (FWIW I felt guilty about getting a new car and shared the van.)

After we got married and started having kids, my mother would privately tell me what she would do differently between me and her DILs, saying there are things mothers do for their daughters, not their DILs. It has nothing to do with preferring daughters over sons. She wants to bequeath me all her jewelry (not super expensive, but she has a lot) and even though I tell her she should split it between me and SILs (I'm a minimalist and barely wear the jewelry I already have), she outright refuses. She also feels comfortable staying with my family for weeks at a time, helping with cooking and DD, but as she says, because I'm her daughter, and would not do so with my brothers' families for fear of stepping on DIL's toes.

DH is an only child and when we dated and got married, I was surprised by how clueless he was about family dynamics, especially with siblings. Sounds like you might be, too. You should take the perspective that DH's family, as one with siblings, is just something new for you to experience and learn and not be so hurt or offended by any perceived unfairness in treatment.

If the SILs have daughters, the jewelry thing may change. A lot of women understandably don't want to pass down jewelry or other heirlooms to daughters in law because they all know someone whose daughter in law divorced the son and refused to give back the family treasures. He offended but it's totally reasonable. But most women will keep their jewelry until they are old, at which point they're happy to split it between all the grand-daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are zillions of threads on DCUM about MILs expecting to be treated identically to mothers. Except when a DIL wants her family to have similar treatment to a daughter's family, everyone says it's fine. I would hate to be the mother of sons.

Nah- I know plenty of MILs with just sons who have great relationships with their kids, I think its actually the norm. Its just not very post-worthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you're jealous that your mil isn't close with YOU.
Like pp said, it's not traditional for the groom's parents to pay for weddings. And would you really want her to plan your wedding? That's not typical either. As for your mil's Veil, I think it's 100% fine for her to want to keep it for her daughters. Telling you she lost it was a kind way to let you down. She was probably surprised and perplexed that you asked her for it. BTW, can you explain how you came to ask her for the veil? Why?

Are you from the United States?

+1. It's tradition in the US for parents to pay for their daughter's wedding. They likely assumed your parents would pay for you wedding. Also your mil might have those she would be stepping on toes if she tried to plan your wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are zillions of threads on DCUM about MILs expecting to be treated identically to mothers. Except when a DIL wants her family to have similar treatment to a daughter's family, everyone says it's fine. I would hate to be the mother of sons.

Nah- I know plenty of MILs with just sons who have great relationships with their kids, I think its actually the norm. Its just not very post-worthy.

+1

DW here who likes her in laws more than her own parents. My ILs are low drama, and I appreciate that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to accept that a mom might feel closer to her daughters when it comes to getting ready for their wedding or taking care of the kids. I've seen that "difference" in many families.

Let it go and you'll feel much better.

THIS. Plus I honestly don't get why you're complaining that you didn't get to wear your mother-in-law's veil. That's really odd.

+1

Strange. You are not her daughter!

[Anonymous]

A husband here, no sisters. But my immature 35 yo brother is the favorite because he and parents have created a web of codependency over the decades. He now is on his fourth degree program, been gifted three rental properties and a free room in one of them, been gifted $10ks of stock from father, and bailed out from various silly situations endlessly.

if I were oP I'd just not trust those Ils and continue to take the high road at every juncture. Soon they will self implode.