Please take a moment and look at all of the DH sucks-related threads right now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing is happening. Do you want all of us married to husbands who do not suck to post threads in order to even out the balance.

I'll start. My husband does not suck. He got up this morning and went to work after staying up all night to take care of our sick child.

Same. I LOVE my dh.

But you have to admit that good men like this are rare. I can't believe the shit my friend's dh's pull. It's like men haven't evolved.

I also LOVE my DH, but it took over a decade to get to this point where we are both very happy in our relationship. We have decided - after trying many different arrangements over the years - that everyone in our family's life runs smoother if I am a SAHM and he is a workaholic. Thus, we have very clearly defined roles and no more resentment. As a woman who believes women can do most things better than men, this was a hard decision to come to. Giving up my very high status/paying career was very tough for me, but it was worth it in the end. No, we can't afford to live in a huge mansion and drive new BMWs, but we still have a very luxurious life, comparatively speaking, and do not have to make any sacrifices for lifestyle/retirement/college savings, primarily due to all of the years I put in before leaving the workforce. I think it's for the best. It is teaching our kids to learn to live within more normal means and not always think that money grows on trees. I have noticed that they are becoming much more aware of the value of money now that we are not blowing through it like we did when they were younger.

Even though I'm still working, this is the conclusion I've come to also. Yes it's anecdotal, but for me the happiest couples I know are by and large the ones where the wife is a SAHM. Clearly defined roles and everyone is happier. I know I'd be a lot happier if I wasn't working outside the home on top of all the things that have wound up being my responsibility anyway.

Happiest couples and families, maybe, but is the wife/mother truly fulfilled as an individual?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a single woman I should reconsider the marriage idea. Who benefits more from a marriage men or women?

I suppose it depends on each individual marriage. In my case, I would say we both benefit immensely. My DH is an attentive, thoughtful and hard working father and husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take it from an old timer here - you are busy because you want to be busy. Someone told this to me years ago and I thought they were totally off their rocker. As it turns out, they are right. Being busy is a CHOICE. You can rearrange your life to not be so busy. You don't have to keep up with the Joneses. You don't have to be in the rat race. You are CHOOSING to live your life this way. This takes a very long time to understand. But once you do, you can begin to peel back the layers and make changes that work for you and your family.

This is good advice. Anything else you can impart on us? Maybe start a s/o thread? I love getting advice from been there, done that aged people.

Haha thanks! I am glad as an "aged" person, I can impart some wisdom. Seriously, this is something that took me a very long time to realize. I placed so much importance on being Superwoman - for my husband, my kids, my career, my home, my friendships, etc. etc. etc. Being busy was a hallmark of how Super I was. But I realized it was making me crazy and causing my family so much stress. We have learned to really pull back from the expectations that have been set out and do what is right for our family.

PS I also love getting advice from BTDT people on here - I have truly learned a lot from this forum and I think all of the people for sharing their experiences and perspectives!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men do more than they ever have before. You think my dad or his dad did jack shit with the kids or dinner or housework? And, for the most part, modern men are putting in just as many hours at their jobs as dad or grandpa did.

Despite working just as hard at paying work and much harder with the kids and house, they get endless shit about not being good enough.

You can say it's because dad and grandpa had it far too easy. And maybe that's the case, but as a modern man, it's tough not to be resentful about doing more and getting shit upon for the effort.

And women aren't doing the exact same thing? Neither of my grandmas ever worked a day in their lives. They cleaned, cooked, raised kids and had dinner on the table at 5pm.

I'm slightly resentful that my DH's job is identical to the one my dad had when I was growing up (both have masters in engineering) but DH's job doesn't pay enough to support a family and my dad's did.

how is that the fault of a DH? and by the way, many, many more men feel incredibly stressed that they are not able to provide the type of lifestyle they would like to for their DWs and families. It's clearly not how the world works today, but men in my generation (and I'm mid 40s) were raised to be the provider. Some have accepted that women can be the main breadwinner but it is a very emasculating feeling, deep down, that we cannot live up to the "standards" of the former generation. I'm not saying that it's right, I'm just saying that it is. We are raising our children to expect to be equal partners - across the board - but that still doesn't help our current generation of mid-career men.

Same can be said for women though. Deep down we're upset that men can't live up to the standards and provide enough for us so that we can stay home and raise our children the way our Grandfathers did.

Speak for yourself. I got rid of my post partum depression by going back to work when my oldest was 13 weeks. I'm thrilled I don't have to SAH and spend my days making my husband and kids' lives easier.

[Anonymous]

If there's one thing I learned, don't expect another person to care about the same things you care about. If your DH isn't interested in making healthy dinners, you're never going to get him to cook. And so it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take it from an old timer here - you are busy because you want to be busy. Someone told this to me years ago and I thought they were totally off their rocker. As it turns out, they are right. Being busy is a CHOICE. You can rearrange your life to not be so busy. You don't have to keep up with the Joneses. You don't have to be in the rat race. You are CHOOSING to live your life this way. This takes a very long time to understand. But once you do, you can begin to peel back the layers and make changes that work for you and your family.

This is good advice. Anything else you can impart on us? Maybe start a s/o thread? I love getting advice from been there, done that aged people.

Haha thanks! I am glad as an "aged" person, I can impart some wisdom. Seriously, this is something that took me a very long time to realize. I placed so much importance on being Superwoman - for my husband, my kids, my career, my home, my friendships, etc. etc. etc. Being busy was a hallmark of how Super I was. But I realized it was making me crazy and causing my family so much stress. We have learned to really pull back from the expectations that have been set out and do what is right for our family.

PS I also love getting advice from BTDT people on here - I have truly learned a lot from this forum and I think all of the people for sharing their experiences and perspectives!

Haha - "thank", not "think".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women have learned to do a double shift and balance everything (kids, house, work) themselves. Men haven't picked up the slack from having a working wife and women are getting sick of it.

This. In my case it's even worse; I have a low libido husband. I am just done, with all of it.

If it is a new thing, take him to the doctor. If not then didn't you know about this when you married him?

His was higher and mine was lower 20 years ago. The disparity has really worsened over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men do more than they ever have before. You think my dad or his dad did jack shit with the kids or dinner or housework? And, for the most part, modern men are putting in just as many hours at their jobs as dad or grandpa did.

Despite working just as hard at paying work and much harder with the kids and house, they get endless shit about not being good enough.

You can say it's because dad and grandpa had it far too easy. And maybe that's the case, but as a modern man, it's tough not to be resentful about doing more and getting shit upon for the effort.

And women aren't doing the exact same thing? Neither of my grandmas ever worked a day in their lives. They cleaned, cooked, raised kids and had dinner on the table at 5pm.

I'm slightly resentful that my DH's job is identical to the one my dad had when I was growing up (both have masters in engineering) but DH's job doesn't pay enough to support a family and my dad's did.

how is that the fault of a DH? and by the way, many, many more men feel incredibly stressed that they are not able to provide the type of lifestyle they would like to for their DWs and families. It's clearly not how the world works today, but men in my generation (and I'm mid 40s) were raised to be the provider. Some have accepted that women can be the main breadwinner but it is a very emasculating feeling, deep down, that we cannot live up to the "standards" of the former generation. I'm not saying that it's right, I'm just saying that it is. We are raising our children to expect to be equal partners - across the board - but that still doesn't help our current generation of mid-career men.

Same can be said for women though. Deep down we're upset that men can't live up to the standards and provide enough for us so that we can stay home and raise our children the way our Grandfathers did.

Speak for yourself. I got rid of my post partum depression by going back to work when my oldest was 13 weeks. I'm thrilled I don't have to SAH and spend my days making my husband and kids' lives easier.

And this is what we need to understand - that totally worked for YOU but may not work for other people's families. We should respect each other's choices and try to learn from them instead of tearing each other down. Women are our own worst enemies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a single woman I should reconsider the marriage idea. Who benefits more from a marriage men or women?

Are you seriously asking this? Of course men benefit more. Did your mother or father benefit more? Are you quite young?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Same can be said for women though. Deep down we're upset that men can't live up to the standards and provide enough for us so that we can stay home and raise our children the way our Grandfathers did.

Grandpa and grandma had a 900 square foot house. You cool with that?

Correction! They had a 900 sq ft house that was brand new, in a good school district, and with lots of great young neighbors. Yes I would be okay with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Same can be said for women though. Deep down we're upset that men can't live up to the standards and provide enough for us so that we can stay home and raise our children the way our Grandfathers did.

Grandpa and grandma had a 900 square foot house. You cool with that?

Correction! They had a 900 sq ft house that was brand new, in a good school district, and with lots of great young neighbors. Yes I would be okay with that.

Oooh..good point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take it from an old timer here - you are busy because you want to be busy. Someone told this to me years ago and I thought they were totally off their rocker. As it turns out, they are right. Being busy is a CHOICE. You can rearrange your life to not be so busy. You don't have to keep up with the Joneses. You don't have to be in the rat race. You are CHOOSING to live your life this way. This takes a very long time to understand. But once you do, you can begin to peel back the layers and make changes that work for you and your family.

This is good advice. Anything else you can impart on us? Maybe start a s/o thread? I love getting advice from been there, done that aged people.

Different poster and not that old (early 50s), but I do have some advice. Save like crazy when you are in your 20s, 30s and 40s. We have no debt now; paid off the mortgage when we were mid 40s. Stop at one or two children. Stay married. Don't trade up in houses or cars. Give generously to worthwhile charities. Cultivate your community ties and spiritual life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take it from an old timer here - you are busy because you want to be busy. Someone told this to me years ago and I thought they were totally off their rocker. As it turns out, they are right. Being busy is a CHOICE. You can rearrange your life to not be so busy. You don't have to keep up with the Joneses. You don't have to be in the rat race. You are CHOOSING to live your life this way. This takes a very long time to understand. But once you do, you can begin to peel back the layers and make changes that work for you and your family.

This is good advice. Anything else you can impart on us? Maybe start a s/o thread? I love getting advice from been there, done that aged people.

Haha thanks! I am glad as an "aged" person, I can impart some wisdom. Seriously, this is something that took me a very long time to realize. I placed so much importance on being Superwoman - for my husband, my kids, my career, my home, my friendships, etc. etc. etc. Being busy was a hallmark of how Super I was. But I realized it was making me crazy and causing my family so much stress. We have learned to really pull back from the expectations that have been set out and do what is right for our family.

PS I also love getting advice from BTDT people on here - I have truly learned a lot from this forum and I think all of the people for sharing their experiences and perspectives!

So did you downsize your home and stop working? Curious what the true cure for business, marital resentment and a sucky DH is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take it from an old timer here - you are busy because you want to be busy. Someone told this to me years ago and I thought they were totally off their rocker. As it turns out, they are right. Being busy is a CHOICE. You can rearrange your life to not be so busy. You don't have to keep up with the Joneses. You don't have to be in the rat race. You are CHOOSING to live your life this way. This takes a very long time to understand. But once you do, you can begin to peel back the layers and make changes that work for you and your family.

This is good advice. Anything else you can impart on us? Maybe start a s/o thread? I love getting advice from been there, done that aged people.

Haha thanks! I am glad as an "aged" person, I can impart some wisdom. Seriously, this is something that took me a very long time to realize. I placed so much importance on being Superwoman - for my husband, my kids, my career, my home, my friendships, etc. etc. etc. Being busy was a hallmark of how Super I was. But I realized it was making me crazy and causing my family so much stress. We have learned to really pull back from the expectations that have been set out and do what is right for our family.

PS I also love getting advice from BTDT people on here - I have truly learned a lot from this forum and I think all of the people for sharing their experiences and perspectives!

So did you downsize your home and stop working? Curious what the true cure for business, marital resentment and a sucky DH is.

Your own source of money, a career that allows you to control your time and a lover.

[Anonymous]

What is needed by younger people is to discuss these issues before they get married. I realize that will probably never happen though. Men are not prepared for all the work involving having children. My DH and I tried things for 10 years with us both working and now it's been 20 years with me at home. Things have been so much better with me at home, but that is not for everyone.