No one is a talker!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father is like this with my grandparents. Visits were always torture once my brother and I got older and realized that we were the only ones trying to carry on a conversation. Every now and then someone would make a comment and everyone else would go "mmm" and then we'd all sit around some more silently looking at the end tables or something. It was extremely draining.

But then a few months ago, I visited them alone for the first time ever, without my father, and it was completely different. They asked questions, told stories, kept conversations going--it was like bizarro world. We talked more in those 5 hours than in the last few decades. I've had to reassess everything I thought I knew about their personalities. Neither my father nor my grandparents are taciturn people on their own, but put them together and something happens.

Just to say, it's probably not you, OP. And it might not even be them, either.

Interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, Op

This is my brother's wife family. We are chatty but, we know when to be quiet. But, they never have any thing to say! My brother, his wife and two kids moved to France for a few years and we saw SIL and two kids. I asked how they liked living there and the answer was "it's fine" No funny stories about the art or the people or anything! But, we have been in gatherings with her family so it is just their personality ( or lack thereof) One time we were at her baby shower and we were trying to get to know her Aunt. I swear it was like pulling teeth just to have a normal conversation:

Me: So, I hear you are a teacher?

Aunt: Yes.....long pause

Me: what grade do you teach?

Aunt: first grade....long pause

Where do you teach public, private or Catholic

Aunt: Catholic

Me: that's nice ( and then my Mom and I ate our lunch in silence and the whole family never really interacted with us again)

Well, you realize those were closed-ended questions, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listening and communicating. Two important life skills.

YES. Communicating when it's important or appropriate. Not yacking on for the sake of it.

[Anonymous]

Unfriendly people are unfriendly people, what can you say? Besides the fact that they don't have many friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Funny how you wrote "postmortem" instead of "postpartum"

I come from a family of few words and find it relaxing not be "on" all the time. Having your voice in my ear 24/7 would be the death of me.

For your guests' comfort, maybe you should relax and shut up.

And some people find your comfort zone to be cold and distant. Some people relax by spending quality time with people they love and staring at each other or reading next to each other all day is not quality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Funny how you wrote "postmortem" instead of "postpartum"

I come from a family of few words and find it relaxing not be "on" all the time. Having your voice in my ear 24/7 would be the death of me.

For your guests' comfort, maybe you should relax and shut up.

And some people find your comfort zone to be cold and distant. Some people relax by spending quality time with people they love and staring at each other or reading next to each other all day is not quality.

Except in my bookworm family, we love to read to the kids, and sit around in the living room, reading in front of a fire. If someone reads a good story or line, we look up and talk for a few minutes. Coffee or iced tea or wine is involved, depending on the time of day.

[Anonymous]

Well, you realize those were closed-ended questions, right?


You do realize that a person with personality would have taken the 'closed' question and answered the first one more throughly so I didn't have to continue with 'closed' questions? For example:

Me: I hear you are a teacher:

a different person ( not Aunt): Yes, I am a teacher at Saint Mary's and I've been teaching first grade for ten years. What do you do?

Me: Thanks for asking, currently I am a researcher at the Library of Congress or whatever...I am making this answer up

They had no questions to me or my mom. I did think it was rude but, now I think it is just their personality. Perhaps the pp has the same one, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, you realize those were closed-ended questions, right?


You do realize that a person with personality would have taken the 'closed' question and answered the first one more throughly so I didn't have to continue with 'closed' questions? For example:

Me: I hear you are a teacher:

a different person ( not Aunt): Yes, I am a teacher at Saint Mary's and I've been teaching first grade for ten years. What do you do?

Me: Thanks for asking, currently I am a researcher at the Library of Congress or whatever...I am making this answer up

They had no questions to me or my mom. I did think it was rude but, now I think it is just their personality. Perhaps the pp has the same one, right?

Your personality is "bitchy" if you say horrible things about your ILs just because they don't feel the need to do small talk all the freaking time.

[Anonymous]

Your personality is "bitchy" if you say horrible things about your ILs just because they don't feel the need to do small talk all the freaking time.

Wow! You lost the argument so you throw down the B word. How very classy of you! Believe or not, I think I hit a nerve. I don't talk "all the freaking time" and I haven't said anything horrible about my brother's wife's family ( so technically not my in laws) '

If you had read my post you would have seen that I was trying to make polite conversation with people I didn't know at all. It was at my SIL's baby shower and gasp! I thought people would have light conversation which I was trying to do. That is the point the OP was making that it is awkward when no one makes any attempt at being polite?

I consider myself in the middle of extroverts and introverts so I am can be chatty and I can be quiet when the need changes. For example, at this event after my attempts for polite conversation died so both my mom and I shut up and quietly ate our lunch. We talked about it among ourselves while driving home but, then we never talked about it again. Not to my brother and not to my SIL.

I was sharing my experience with the OP to say that she is not alone. I realize not everyone can have a personality and that's ok. Maybe you are the same. But, there was really no need to be mean. I never was mean to my SIL or her family. Maybe you should take a couple of deep breaths and realize not every story is about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your personality is "bitchy" if you say horrible things about your ILs just because they don't feel the need to do small talk all the freaking time.

Wow! You lost the argument so you throw down the B word. How very classy of you! Believe or not, I think I hit a nerve. I don't talk "all the freaking time" and I haven't said anything horrible about my brother's wife's family ( so technically not my in laws) '

If you had read my post you would have seen that I was trying to make polite conversation with people I didn't know at all. It was at my SIL's baby shower and gasp! I thought people would have light conversation which I was trying to do. That is the point the OP was making that it is awkward when no one makes any attempt at being polite?

I consider myself in the middle of extroverts and introverts so I am can be chatty and I can be quiet when the need changes. For example, at this event after my attempts for polite conversation died so both my mom and I shut up and quietly ate our lunch. We talked about it among ourselves while driving home but, then we never talked about it again. Not to my brother and not to my SIL.

I was sharing my experience with the OP to say that she is not alone. I realize not everyone can have a personality and that's ok. Maybe you are the same. But, there was really no need to be mean. I never was mean to my SIL or her family. Maybe you should take a couple of deep breaths and realize not every story is about you.

TL;DR try just being quiet

[Anonymous]

TL;DR try just being quiet


?????? English, please

[Anonymous]

TL;DR try just being quiet

Got it..you are lazy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Will never forget the first time I visited DH's family and at dinner no one said a word. I couldn't believe it. In my family you are lucky to get a word in and we have big boisterous meals, almost couldn't marry him for this reason. Sadly, I am used to it now. But still find it weird.

They also sit around and watch tv and don't speak. This still blows my mind. The few times my family get s together during the year we actually talk to one another. I chalk it up to being a Midwestern thing.

+1

Same here. I don't go on "vacation", because it feels like sitting in a morgue. The television is on constantly early morning to late night - it is insane how much television one family can watch - without saying a word. DON'T interrupt shark week! Holy crap.

No thanks, I'll stay home. The best part is how they go on about how much "fun" they had. Meanwhile I'm thinking, yeah, right. I don't go on "vacation" to stick my nose in a book, with the television on the entire time, and ignore everyone around me. Weirdos.

Agreed. One Christmas DH's mom made a big thing of the whole family being together. Then all anyone did was sit around and watch tv. I actually lost my shit on them about it. I couldn't believe they were spending Christmas Eve glued to the TV. It was not the message I wanted conveyed to my kids.

So the message YOU conveyed to your kids was, "When people don't behave the way you want them to, lose your shit on them about it?" Got it. Stay classy!

Here's a thought: PLAN SOME ACTIVITIES. When they make a move to turn on the TV yet again, NICELY suggest that you play a game or go for a walk or go out to dinner or bake cookies or whatever instead. Like a grown-up.

Um, I did suggest some games. They just wanted to watch tv and not talk. And, for the record, I lost my shit after the kids were in bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Will never forget the first time I visited DH's family and at dinner no one said a word. I couldn't believe it. In my family you are lucky to get a word in and we have big boisterous meals, almost couldn't marry him for this reason. Sadly, I am used to it now. But still find it weird.

They also sit around and watch tv and don't speak. This still blows my mind. The few times my family get s together during the year we actually talk to one another. I chalk it up to being a Midwestern thing.

+1

Same here. I don't go on "vacation", because it feels like sitting in a morgue. The television is on constantly early morning to late night - it is insane how much television one family can watch - without saying a word. DON'T interrupt shark week! Holy crap.

No thanks, I'll stay home. The best part is how they go on about how much "fun" they had. Meanwhile I'm thinking, yeah, right. I don't go on "vacation" to stick my nose in a book, with the television on the entire time, and ignore everyone around me. Weirdos.

Agreed. One Christmas DH's mom made a big thing of the whole family being together. Then all anyone did was sit around and watch tv. I actually lost my shit on them about it. I couldn't believe they were spending Christmas Eve glued to the TV. It was not the message I wanted conveyed to my kids.

So the message YOU conveyed to your kids was, "When people don't behave the way you want them to, lose your shit on them about it?" Got it. Stay classy!

Here's a thought: PLAN SOME ACTIVITIES. When they make a move to turn on the TV yet again, NICELY suggest that you play a game or go for a walk or go out to dinner or bake cookies or whatever instead. Like a grown-up.

Um, I did suggest some games. They just wanted to watch tv and not talk. And, for the record, I lost my shit after the kids were in bed.

So? You are still a control freak. "Behave the way I want, or I lose my shit!" Are you 5?

[Anonymous]

My brother and sister in law are like this. We spent a week visiting them (they invited us to visit their new home by the beach). Thankfully, we have kids (2, 4) so I focused my energy on them, but it was very, very frustrating and I doubt we will ever visit them again. We are pretty good guests, easy, neat, etc. But I felt like from the moment I walked in the door, they couldn't wait for us to leave. It was very, very passive aggressive and confusing since we were invited repeatedly to visit. I wouldn't have bothered traveling 8 hours otherwise.

Yes, the silence can be nice, but we had a side dose of weird aggression. And it was strange to see them turn on and be lovely...to other people while giving us the silent treatment.

What I realized was that they really, reallly did not want a deep or meaningful relationship with us and by trying to make one happen, I was making them uncomfortable. So, I disengaged, but what is sad is that I don't care to put energy or time into a superficial relationship. I'm pulled in too many directions, so if I am giving you my energy, it better be meaningful. So, I disengaged and have accepted that is the current state of play. Sorry for the rant OP, but maybe they just don't care to know you.