Holiday Visit- say no to MIL?

[Anonymous]

I agree that it would be much nicer, kinder, and more generous of you to accommodate her. Especially if she only wants to stay for two days. Grandparents aren't around forever and especially at their age, you never know when something could happen. She's not asking to stay for a month - it seems like a reasonable request. If your DH likes his mom's company, it's also something nice to do for him.

With regard to the logistical difficulties of hosting, why are you canceling plans and bending over backwards to be available to her at all times? If she comes often, you should set the expectation that she'll be treated as "part of the family" - not as a special houseguest. Definitely get takeout for dinner if you can't/don't want to cook, direct her to the fridge for cold cuts/sandwiches for lunch, etc. and don't feel like you need to deviate much from the daily family routine. If you're doing this, it shouldn't be too difficult to host her for short periods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that it would be much nicer, kinder, and more generous of you to accommodate her. Especially if she only wants to stay for two days. Grandparents aren't around forever and especially at their age, you never know when something could happen. She's not asking to stay for a month - it seems like a reasonable request. If your DH likes his mom's company, it's also something nice to do for him.

With regard to the logistical difficulties of hosting, why are you canceling plans and bending over backwards to be available to her at all times? If she comes often, you should set the expectation that she'll be treated as "part of the family" - not as a special houseguest. Definitely get takeout for dinner if you can't/don't want to cook, direct her to the fridge for cold cuts/sandwiches for lunch, etc. and don't feel like you need to deviate much from the daily family routine. If you're doing this, it shouldn't be too difficult to host her for short periods.

OP here- this is good advice. Thank you. I think I just feel overwhelmed because she's my MIL and somewhat judgmental of how I run the household (i.e., "When I had young children, I washed the floor on my hands and knees EVERY DAY!"), and I do extra to prepare for her than I would for my parents. I also try to please her more with cooking, activities, etc, than my own parents. Thank you for this. This is helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is that when your MIL announces at the last minute that she is coming, you cancel plans with friends and frantically clean and cook. Instead you should say, "Great, glad you are coming, I have X Y and Z plans but we will love to have you here and I'll be available for dinner. Let's order pizza." Etc.

You can also tell her no if you don't want her to come. You don't have to have a reason. You don't have to feel guilty.

The bigger, more generous thing to do would be to let her come. You and your parents would be nicer people if you genuinely welcomed her. Maybe she likes your parents and would like to spend time with them. But being generous only works if it is actually sincere. If you feel put-out and do it grudgingly, it's best if you just don't. Tell MIL this is not a good time for you all but you would love to see her the next weekend, or whenever suits you. It's your house.

This is also good advice. I want to be more generous than I am, but am just not feeling it right now (probably due to pregnancy). I DO want to create a culture of grandparent inclusion in our family though. This does mean less "hosting" and more being laid back Im realizing.

[Anonymous]

All this handwringing is why I don't do houseguests, from either side. Come all you want, stay in a hotel, I will call you when it's ok to come over. Don't like it? Good thing I don't care.

I do not host, I don't get people who host, I don't get people who feel guilty about hosting or not hosting or whatever. I pay the mortgage and taxes on this house and I will do as I please.