Whats so wrong with being a hypocrite?

[Anonymous]

You are really selfish OP.

[Anonymous]

You have to accept that THEY are choosing to be bothered by this. Yeah, you actually do have to just sit back on this. It's her life. She doesn't have to live it to accommodate for the way you already fucked up. Put yourself in her shoes- you want to not only do things your way, but then dictate that SHE cannot do them her way.

In a way, you're worse than your parents on this. You're making her shoulder part of the hurt YOU caused them by saying she will be compounding hurt you caused. That's on you- not her.

[Anonymous]

Team sister here, op. You're way off base.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I love my DH and I am thankful for him every day. I do regret that we had a very difficult courtship with both sides of our family extremely displeased. We eloped! And told everyone afterward. Our parents were heart broken and it sucked. Our day to day marriage is happier than most but I still don't have a good relationship with my in laws due to religious/ cultural prejudices. I kinda wish I married someone from the same culture/religion. Would I have been able to have a normal happy marriage with someone else? Probably!

It's just weird to see my younger sis do the exact same thing. I thought she'd look at us and go wow I want a normal marriage but she's choosing the exact same path and will face the same difficulties. I don't get how me saying why are you doing this too? Is hypocritical.

I agree with the others that with this explanation, are a hypocrite if you tell her not to go ahead with the courtship/marriage. You haven't divorced your husband to seek out "a normal happy marriage with someone else," so clearly you think your marriage is worth it despite the family strife. You want her to give up the person she loves in order to not have family strife, something you're not willing to do yourself.

What I'm doing is an experiment. It's certainly not been done by anyone in either one of our families. I don't know if we'll work out for what will happen once the kids comes around. It's a risky endeavor and it has not been easy. Marriages where both families are happy are probably a lot easier than ours.

I also feel bad for my poor parents and how they'll feel knowing 2 of their kids did something they'd deem unimaginable. Not to mention how I'll be seen as responsible for setting up this "bad" example for my sister.

I feel like I made a bad decision and now her actions are continuing it.

Okay, this actually gets you further into hypocrite territory. "I married the man I loved, but you can't, because it will make our parents feel bad and I'll get blamed." Look, you married the guy you wanted to marry. You no doubt knew in advance that your parents wouldn't be pleased. You decided it was worth it anyway. Your sister supported you. Why can't you be supporting of her? Letting her know what some of the specific challenges you faced might be helpful, but telling her she's making a terrible mistake is not helpful.

This is the crux of it, OP. You admit you brought your parents unhappiness with your actions. You don't get to tell your sister she can't do the same because it'll bring them additional hurt. If you hurt them, it's on you to find a way to repair that hurt, not stop your sister from causing more hurt by doing EXACTLY what you deemed acceptable for yourself.

Furthermore, if this whole thing is a risky experiment and you have no idea it'll turn out well, why on earth did you go through with it? Very weird to put all your family relationships in jeopardy for a relationship you seem iffy about. That might also be part of your sister's issue with you, particularly if she truly loves this guy. You're stopping her from causing further pain when to her, her marriage might actually seem worth the pain it'll cause, unlike yours which you seem pretty wishy washy on.

I'm already working to heal the hurt. So I should just sit and watch as she hurts them more?

Yes, you are. If she's open to advice on how to minimize the hurt, you can share that with her. But "Don't marry the person you love" shouldn't be part of it.

Also, your sister isn't hurting them. She isn't doing anything to them. What is hurting them is their unwillingness to accept that their children may want to lead different lives than they did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team sister here, op. You're way off base.

And what is unusual is this thread totally flipped. Everyone was on OP's side until she revealed more details and then everyone realized no way, the sister is in the right here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm already working to heal the hurt. So I should just sit and watch as she hurts them more?

Yes, because it's her life to live as she see fit -- even though your parents and you both seem to disagree with this idea.

[Anonymous]

No one is forcing her to do anything. I'm so confused by all the backlash I'm receiving on this thread for advising my sister against a potential relationship that will create a lot of drama and tension and hurt feelings in the family. Having lived through it myself, I can see how this will go down.They're are a lot of guys on the planet and there are a lot of boys that'll make her happy all the while not upsetting her parents.

It IS her life and she is doing what she wants. I guess I'm not supposed to have an opinion on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is forcing her to do anything. I'm so confused by all the backlash I'm receiving on this thread for advising my sister against a potential relationship that will create a lot of drama and tension and hurt feelings in the family. Having lived through it myself, I can see how this will go down.They're are a lot of guys on the planet and there are a lot of boys that'll make her happy all the while not upsetting her parents.

It IS her life and she is doing what she wants. I guess I'm not supposed to have an opinion on it.

OP, you can have all of the opinions you want. And you can tell her every last one of those opinions, if you want. And then she can have all of the opinions that she wants, including that you're a hypocrite and that she doesn't want to talk to you anymore, and she can tell you those opinions, if she wants. That's how it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is forcing her to do anything. I'm so confused by all the backlash I'm receiving on this thread for advising my sister against a potential relationship that will create a lot of drama and tension and hurt feelings in the family. Having lived through it myself, I can see how this will go down.They're are a lot of guys on the planet and there are a lot of boys that'll make her happy all the while not upsetting her parents.

It IS her life and she is doing what she wants. I guess I'm not supposed to have an opinion on it.

Interfaith marriage poster here: how exactly will it go down? You're traveling a well trod road, OP, lots of us have intermarried. I frankly still don't understand why you make a big deal about it. It sounds like you are somehow ashamed of your marriage. Your thread also seems to be weirdly hiding something. Many people have intermarried, politicos (Anthony Weiner aside), famous Hollywood couples, probably even several couples you know. You did it, for god's sake. Why is it so catastrophic?

The truth is you ARE being a hypocrite and disturbingly so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is forcing her to do anything. I'm so confused by all the backlash I'm receiving on this thread for advising my sister against a potential relationship that will create a lot of drama and tension and hurt feelings in the family. Having lived through it myself, I can see how this will go down.They're are a lot of guys on the planet and there are a lot of boys that'll make her happy all the while not upsetting her parents.

It IS her life and she is doing what she wants. I guess I'm not supposed to have an opinion on it.

Ok so then why didn't YOU marry one of the other guys?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I love my DH and I am thankful for him every day. I do regret that we had a very difficult courtship with both sides of our family extremely displeased. We eloped! And told everyone afterward. Our parents were heart broken and it sucked. Our day to day marriage is happier than most but I still don't have a good relationship with my in laws due to religious/ cultural prejudices. I kinda wish I married someone from the same culture/religion. Would I have been able to have a normal happy marriage with someone else? Probably!

It's just weird to see my younger sis do the exact same thing. I thought she'd look at us and go wow I want a normal marriage but she's choosing the exact same path and will face the same difficulties. I don't get how me saying why are you doing this too? Is hypocritical.

I agree with the others that with this explanation, are a hypocrite if you tell her not to go ahead with the courtship/marriage. You haven't divorced your husband to seek out "a normal happy marriage with someone else," so clearly you think your marriage is worth it despite the family strife. You want her to give up the person she loves in order to not have family strife, something you're not willing to do yourself.

What I'm doing is an experiment. It's certainly not been done by anyone in either one of our families. I don't know if we'll work out for what will happen once the kids comes around. It's a risky endeavor and it has not been easy. Marriages where both families are happy are probably a lot easier than ours.

I also feel bad for my poor parents and how they'll feel knowing 2 of their kids did something they'd deem unimaginable. Not to mention how I'll be seen as responsible for setting up this "bad" example for my sister.

I feel like I made a bad decision and now her actions are continuing it.

Okay, this actually gets you further into hypocrite territory. "I married the man I loved, but you can't, because it will make our parents feel bad and I'll get blamed." Look, you married the guy you wanted to marry. You no doubt knew in advance that your parents wouldn't be pleased. You decided it was worth it anyway. Your sister supported you. Why can't you be supporting of her? Letting her know what some of the specific challenges you faced might be helpful, but telling her she's making a terrible mistake is not helpful.

This is the crux of it, OP. You admit you brought your parents unhappiness with your actions. You don't get to tell your sister she can't do the same because it'll bring them additional hurt. If you hurt them, it's on you to find a way to repair that hurt, not stop your sister from causing more hurt by doing EXACTLY what you deemed acceptable for yourself.

Furthermore, if this whole thing is a risky experiment and you have no idea it'll turn out well, why on earth did you go through with it? Very weird to put all your family relationships in jeopardy for a relationship you seem iffy about. That might also be part of your sister's issue with you, particularly if she truly loves this guy. You're stopping her from causing further pain when to her, her marriage might actually seem worth the pain it'll cause, unlike yours which you seem pretty wishy washy on.

I'm already working to heal the hurt. So I should just sit and watch as she hurts them more?

Yes. Yes you should.

[Anonymous]

Team sister indeed. Your parents need to get over it and stop being hurt by something so stupid as an interfaith marriage. They are bringing any pain on themselves. And you are being a total hypocrite. Just stop. Call your sister and apologize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is forcing her to do anything. I'm so confused by all the backlash I'm receiving on this thread for advising my sister against a potential relationship that will create a lot of drama and tension and hurt feelings in the family. Having lived through it myself, I can see how this will go down.They're are a lot of guys on the planet and there are a lot of boys that'll make her happy all the while not upsetting her parents.

It IS her life and she is doing what she wants. I guess I'm not supposed to have an opinion on it.

OP, if you really believe all of this, why don't you get a divorce and find someone more agreeable to your parents? There are plenty of boys out there that will make you happy while not upsetting your parents. Every day that you don't leave your husband is a day you are actively choosing to keep doing the thing you're telling your sister not to do, and that is upsetting to your parents. I can't imagine how you reconcile that it's okay for you to continue making that choice but she's not allowed to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is forcing her to do anything. I'm so confused by all the backlash I'm receiving on this thread for advising my sister against a potential relationship that will create a lot of drama and tension and hurt feelings in the family. Having lived through it myself, I can see how this will go down.They're are a lot of guys on the planet and there are a lot of boys that'll make her happy all the while not upsetting her parents.

It IS her life and she is doing what she wants. I guess I'm not supposed to have an opinion on it.

OP, if you really believe all of this, why don't you get a divorce and find someone more agreeable to your parents? There are plenty of boys out there that will make you happy while not upsetting your parents. Every day that you don't leave your husband is a day you are actively choosing to keep doing the thing you're telling your sister not to do, and that is upsetting to your parents. I can't imagine how you reconcile that it's okay for you to continue making that choice but she's not allowed to.

+1. You married to please yourself, not your parents. You knew it was going to upset them. You did it anyway. You continue to do it.

Also, the hurt feelings are on your parents, not your sister. They could choose to work through their feelings and accept their daughter's right to marry the man she chooses. They choose not to. That's on them, not on her. She's the one who has to live in the marriage, not them.

[Anonymous]

How many siblings do you have? I'm imagining you as part of a large, perhaps fundamentalist family.