Whats so wrong with being a hypocrite?
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Anonymous
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12:35 again.
If you were to tell her that her behavior is ok THEN you would be a hypocrite- because that's not how you feel. If you were still doing whatever behavior then you would be a hypocrite, but you'd be trying to help her, so the hypocrisy wouldn't be relevant. It sounds like drug or alcohol abuse, and I'm sorry. I still remind my older brother when I was in high school and tried alcohol he was so upset at me and I listened and stopped. He later tried alcohol and has lived in a bottle for the last 20 years. I remind him and his reaction wasn't 'yeah, I wish I'd never started' but was 'yeah, I wish I'd never told you that'... people with addictions have very twisted reasoning, so if it is that issue, there isn't a lot you can do to give them clarity. |
Anonymous
| The more opaque you are, the more I suspect this isn't something clearly bad/wrong (e.g. dealing drugs to pay your rent) and more along the lines of a life/values choice that doesn't align with you/your family's values/choices (e.g., having sex/moving in with someone before marriage). |
Anonymous
| That's not what hypocrite means. |
Anonymous
| OP, regardless of the label she put on it, are you more concerned with being part of your sister's life, or being right? You sound awfully focused on the latter, to the apparent exclusion of the former. |
Anonymous
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There's nothing wrong with learning from your mistakes and doing better. That's not being a hypocrite. But I can't tell if you ARE a hypocrite because I don't know what the thing in question is and whether it's ongoing for you. For instance, if you ran away and eloped but are still happily married, it would be hard for you to say "You can't elope!!" You're actively living the thing you're telling her not to do. If it was an abortion, but you think it benefited your life to have done it, you also kind of can't tell her not to do it because it might benefit HER life too.
If it's something like dropping out of college, but then you realized that was a bonehead move and went back and are telling her not to drop out, that's another animal. It has to be something that's in the past, that doesn't currently influence or affect the way you live NOW in order for you to be able to actually tell her not to do it. |
Anonymous
Op here. It's more to do with eloping/marrying someone from a different faith without consulting your family. |
Anonymous
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Well so if you're still married to that person, I can see how she has issue with you saying she can't do it. Presumably your spouse makes you happy and presumably hers would too. If you're still married it was worth whatever pain to your parents, so she should not bear the brunt of "I already did it, if you do it too it'll kill them."
As a side note parents need to butt out of what race/religion their children's chosen spouses are but that is neither here nor there. If you're married to this person, despite the fact it caused your parents pain, you can't tell her she can't marry the person she wants as well. |
Anonymous
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OP, I don't think it makes you a hypocrite to say to your sister "Larla, I still love Jamil but I wish I had the courage to tell the family I was going to marry him, invite them to come down to City Hall, and tell them we were going to do it and let them be there. It bothers me that we have no wedding photos, nothing to show our children. We would still have had the same battles, but the family would have had a chance to come to the wedding. Don't let that happen to you."
I don't think that's hypocritical. I think you are giving her the benefit of hindsight. |
Anonymous
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OP here. I love my DH and I am thankful for him every day. I do regret that we had a very difficult courtship with both sides of our family extremely displeased. We eloped! And told everyone afterward. Our parents were heart broken and it sucked. Our day to day marriage is happier than most but I still don't have a good relationship with my in laws due to religious/ cultural prejudices. I kinda wish I married someone from the same culture/religion. Would I have been able to have a normal happy marriage with someone else? Probably!
It's just weird to see my younger sis do the exact same thing. I thought she'd look at us and go wow I want a normal marriage but she's choosing the exact same path and will face the same difficulties. I don't get how me saying why are you doing this too? Is hypocritical. |
Anonymous
Actually, it is a little hypocritical. It's not like you divorced your spouse. You're married and you love your husband. From her perspective, you got to marry the man you love, and you're telling her not to do it. Do you really think you made the wrong decision? If you could do it over, would you reject your husband? |
Anonymous
| With this clarifying explanation it seems like she wants your love and support and for you to see her as an adult who can make her own decisions. I'm an older sister too and have had this issue come up with my own siblings. We aren't their parents, and at some point have to realize they are autonomous adults who get to live their life the way they want to. The choice is now, do you want to be the way your family was to you or do you want to have a relationship with your sister? |
Anonymous
Also, perhaps your sister took a different lesson from your experience. You want her to look at your life and say, "Wow, that's awful. It's not worth it to marry someone from a different religion." But maybe she looks at your life and thinks, "Wow, that was tough for Larla and Larlo, but they have such a happy marriage. It's worth it to marry the man you love even if your family disapproves." |
Anonymous
? A normal marriage? How do you define that? But yes, if you married somebody with a different cultural/religion, and your family disapproved, and you're happy, and then you tell your sister that she should only marry somebody with the same culture/religion that your family approves of, then I understand why she called you a hypocrite. |
Anonymous
I agree with the others that with this explanation, are a hypocrite if you tell her not to go ahead with the courtship/marriage. You haven't divorced your husband to seek out "a normal happy marriage with someone else," so clearly you think your marriage is worth it despite the family strife. You want her to give up the person she loves in order to not have family strife, something you're not willing to do yourself. |
Anonymous
How is that hypocritical? |