My husband said he basically regrets the kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe if you did more around the house and gave him some "me" time without expectations that he'll reciprocate, maybe he'd been in the mood to have kids more often.

Huh? I am actually really good about giving him "me time" he golfs every weekend for example, sometimes twice. I encourage him to go out with friends, but as we all know at nearly 50 sometimes the guys nights don't happen very easily.

He needs me time everyday. Golf on weekends is not nearly enough. Step it up, woman.

^^ OP, you don't seem to be able to recognize an obvious troll. Let me make it easy for you: PP is a troll.

[Anonymous]

He's just letting off steam. Just take it in stride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife says the same. Kids are 4 and 7. She loves them but if had to do it over, she wouldn't. I imagine when kids are grown she will feel differently. I feel like compassionately seperating from her so she can live her life free from the burden of children. I would rather raise them solo.

When I bartended, a surprising amount of women confessed to me they regretted having children. I never once heard that from a man. Anecdotal, but interesting.

I am a woman and I definitely feel this way. I love my son, but if I had a time machine and could undo becoming a mother and all the stress, job difficulty, sleeplessness, loss of freedom, and loss of quality of life that comes with it, I would. Being a mother is a thankless job in this society in which jobs make life impossible for mothers and men are basically useless.

I actually am in a similar situation as the PP. I actually think on a deep level my wife regrets the two kids we have. She admitted that she missed her old life of travel and being unencumbered. I am the more stable, default parent in our marriage. I don't mind it one bit and enjoy the kids and my career (which I spent time developing so I could scale back once I had kids). I don't enjoy my marriage, though. It makes it difficult being around someone who doesn't necessarily want to be there, but also doesn't want to leave.

So, you are left with the difficult choice of leaving and opening the can of worms that is divorce (I would absolutely take a bath as the primary earner and lose at least 50 percent of custody to someone who doesn't even necessarily want it but doesn't want to look like a mother abandoning her children). Or I grin and bear it, enjoy my pleasant, superficial marriage and enjoy my kids and take a break once they are either in college or finished with college. I've chosen the latter road and while it's been bumpy once interesting side effect is that my wife actually has grown to love parenting. She enjoys older kids and teenagers. And while I am more happy now, I am still looking at the door once we are done raising the kids (7 years). I'll be 50 and I'll take a bath in the divorce, but I'll have time to re-earn and re-build my life.

[Anonymous]

As long as he doesn't say it to the kids, just let it go for a while. Maybe bring up in a few weeks how you can make your collective lives easier, etc. to gauge whether this was a moment of frustration or something deeper.

FWIW, my dad has told me to my face I wasn't wanted and that stung a bit. DH, however, has expressed his dissatisfaction with having twins (not on purpose or anything). I just let him vent, because he would never say it to anyone other than me.

[Anonymous]

What is so difficult about your kids that would lead your husband to say this? Your kids are in elementary and maybe junior high. We refused to sign our older daughter up for soccer because I don't want to spend the time and energy taking her to practice and games. More correctly, I would prefer to spend my time and energy doing other things. For example, we are going on a beaver and bat trip this evening, something that we probably couldn't do if we had soccer practice to contend with. Are you as a family spending your time, money and energy on things that you all want to do, or that the parents would want to do with your kids? Do you both have the mental attitude to deal with your kids effectively? If not, what can be done to change your interactions? I can't tell if your husband is mentally ill, or if his life is spent doing things he doesn't give a rat's ass about and he's taking that negative energy and applying it in the wrong direction. The details here are everything OP.

[Anonymous]

If you think of kid-raising as a job. Well, then it is a grind.

The thing that makes parenting bearable is that you are head over heels in love with your kids and get joy out of their existence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's just letting off steam. Just take it in stride.

Agree with this. Don't overanalyze or try to fix something. Just let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife says the same. Kids are 4 and 7. She loves them but if had to do it over, she wouldn't. I imagine when kids are grown she will feel differently. I feel like compassionately seperating from her so she can live her life free from the burden of children. I would rather raise them solo.

When I bartended, a surprising amount of women confessed to me they regretted having children. I never once heard that from a man. Anecdotal, but interesting.

I am a woman and I definitely feel this way. I love my son, but if I had a time machine and could undo becoming a mother and all the stress, job difficulty, sleeplessness, loss of freedom, and loss of quality of life that comes with it, I would. Being a mother is a thankless job in this society in which jobs make life impossible for mothers and men are basically useless.

I actually am in a similar situation as the PP. I actually think on a deep level my wife regrets the two kids we have. She admitted that she missed her old life of travel and being unencumbered. I am the more stable, default parent in our marriage. I don't mind it one bit and enjoy the kids and my career (which I spent time developing so I could scale back once I had kids). I don't enjoy my marriage, though. It makes it difficult being around someone who doesn't necessarily want to be there, but also doesn't want to leave.

So, you are left with the difficult choice of leaving and opening the can of worms that is divorce (I would absolutely take a bath as the primary earner and lose at least 50 percent of custody to someone who doesn't even necessarily want it but doesn't want to look like a mother abandoning her children). Or I grin and bear it, enjoy my pleasant, superficial marriage and enjoy my kids and take a break once they are either in college or finished with college. I've chosen the latter road and while it's been bumpy once interesting side effect is that my wife actually has grown to love parenting. She enjoys older kids and teenagers. And while I am more happy now, I am still looking at the door once we are done raising the kids (7 years). I'll be 50 and I'll take a bath in the divorce, but I'll have time to re-earn and re-build my life.

Does your wife work?

[Anonymous]

Admire his honesty..For a second.

Then while agreeing it IS tough raising kids, tell him that what he thinks about it all now is all water under the bridge.

The kids are not going away anytime soon so choose to focus on your future as a family vs. thinking of the past.

I am quite sure every parent has this sentiment every now and then when it gets tough.

Par for the course.

[Anonymous]

"Being a mother is a thankless job in this society in which jobs make life impossible for mothers and men are basically useless."

THIS

[Anonymous]

My parents assured us that they would never get divorced because "neither one of us wants to take the kids." Kids are tough and many people would not have had kids if they had known how hard it would be. I think that's why it's really impossible to explain to another adult how hard it is to be a parent -- you just have to live through it to fully understand.

My parents marriage is still going strong with 57 years together!

[Anonymous]

Well, he can't very well give them back. The warranty has expired.

Honestly, it sounds to me this is his oblique way of getting you to fix whatever is making him world weary, since you are the one who is to "blame" for him being a father. It's passive-aggressive and selfish.