Sister won't leave island home for funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is bad form though. It's a cousin we were both really close to.

Are you waiting for someone to come along and punish your sister for being bad and praise you and pat you on the head for being good? Not gonna happen, stop trying to control other grown ups through shame.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are unreasonable to expect her to do something she has repeatedly made clear she is not going to do. Feel free to judge her, if that makes you feel better, but she's apparently happy with her decision and expecting people to do what you think they should do just because you think they should do it is pretty much always unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

How do you know she doesn't have agorophobia or something? It's so easy condemn someone for not doing what you feel it's logical for them to do, but you might not know all the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Your sister is a grown up, right?

That's your answer.

You can judge her as harshly as you like but she is free to live her life as she sees fit.

[Anonymous]

Rinse & Repeat

Those who are unhappy that others don't do what they want are bound to be disappointed again-and-again

- it does create a lot of new threads

[Anonymous]

OP, are you the "good" sister?

[Anonymous]

OP, others are right that you can't force your sister to come. But I will also say, I think it sucks she won't come because she doesn't like the weather. Clearly your family is grieving a young relative. That's awful. I'd want my sister move and heaven and earth to be with me. Death is a stark reminder that we don't get do-overs. Showing up MATTERS. Always go to a funeral.

It's sad she won't chose to come. But no amount of guilt or pressure will change the fact that it's still her choice.

I'm sorry about your cousin OP. I wish you peace.

[Anonymous]

OP, how does her decision affect you? Are you struggling emotionally with your cousins death and really need your sister's help to get through the funeral? Is anyone else in that particular situation? It's one thing to say, "I need you there, you're letting me down by deciding not to come," and saying "I believe family should always show up for funerals, you're a bad person for not agreeing with me on this." I haven't really seen anything in this thread to suggest the former, it kind of sounds like the latter to me, which really is just judging for the sake of judging.

[Anonymous]

I moved cross country 2 years ago. I can think of 9 funerals I "should" have been at. The only one I made was my fathers. Between work and plane tickets, it just isn't feasible. I have built a life in my new location and cannot just pick up and go to spend a couple days at home. I also miss major holidays and other family events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, others are right that you can't force your sister to come. But I will also say, I think it sucks she won't come because she doesn't like the weather. Clearly your family is grieving a young relative. That's awful. I'd want my sister move and heaven and earth to be with me. Death is a stark reminder that we don't get do-overs. Showing up MATTERS. Always go to a funeral.

It's sad she won't chose to come. But no amount of guilt or pressure will change the fact that it's still her choice.

I'm sorry about your cousin OP. I wish you peace.

This.

It's not about me trying to force her or being the boss of her. It's just that it seems a little selfish to not show up. There are numerous funerals I wouldn't have wanted to attend but I go because funerals are about supporting the others around you.

It isn't about money with her, she says she just can't stand the politics and weather in this area which I think is a really non issue for not going to a funeral.

[Anonymous]

Who cares? Really... get over. The deceased is dead and you are wasting energy.

[Anonymous]

Who cares? Really... get over. The deceased is dead and you are wasting energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, others are right that you can't force your sister to come. But I will also say, I think it sucks she won't come because she doesn't like the weather. Clearly your family is grieving a young relative. That's awful. I'd want my sister move and heaven and earth to be with me. Death is a stark reminder that we don't get do-overs. Showing up MATTERS. Always go to a funeral.

It's sad she won't chose to come. But no amount of guilt or pressure will change the fact that it's still her choice.

I'm sorry about your cousin OP. I wish you peace.

This.

It's not about me trying to force her or being the boss of her. It's just that it seems a little selfish to not show up. There are numerous funerals I wouldn't have wanted to attend but I go because funerals are about supporting the others around you.

It isn't about money with her, she says she just can't stand the politics and weather in this area which I think is a really non issue for not going to a funeral.

Reading between the lines, I have to wonder if part of the "she just can't stand the politics ... in this area" is that she can't stand the family's politics and the way some people spout off. If you're already grieving and someone with no boundaries or sense of propriety is going to start spouting off offensive garbage, I can see not wanting to be there for that.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP, you do things you don't really want to do all of the time out of obligation and a fear of looking bad, but your sister is not that way. Frankly, I like her way better. When people like her show up or do something I know it's not a chore and they aren't secretly resenting me for it.

[Anonymous]

It's not selfish. She doesn't want to come and that's her choice.

OP sounds like a nag.