Frustrated with my husband's health choices

[Anonymous]

Oh OP, I didn't see this thread when you first posted, only today as you sit in a hospital. I'm sorry that you find yourself there and hope this will be the wake up call your husband needs.

I am a heart attack widow. My DH was 38, like yours he was 6' and up to 250 (from 190 a few years prior). He always thought he had more time to get healthy. A sedentary lifestyle coupled with bad eating habits--believe me I understand your anger and it took me time and therapy to work through (and frankly, still crops up when our children are really struggling with their loss).

I thought that my husband's fatal heart attack was his only, and will never forget when the coroner called and casually mentioned the scarring from previous heart attacks assuming it was a known--he'd apparently had several minor heart attacks that went unnoticed.

I am so sorry for your DH's HA. The positive is that you caught it and it may, more than lab results ever could, bring home the point and result in lifestyle changes that allow you to enjoy many more years together.

Best wishes for healing for your DH and peace for you (the anger I held was not healthy for me and my own heart health! And therapy really helped).

[Anonymous]

OP I know that you are scared and upset right now. It's not easy to take control of your diet and health, and unlike other addictions, you can't avoid food and simply stop eating until you get a handle on the cravings. I'm someone who has struggled with weight for nearly 20 years, and I sympathize with you and your husband.

I hope this is a wake up call for him, and he will continue to be committed to a healthier lifestyle so he can be around to experience many more years with his family, especially his child.

Hang in there OP.

[Anonymous]

OP here. It's been 3 months since DH's heart attack and I'm revisiting this thread. DH is now at about 210 lbs, as a result of his new diet and exercise plan. He goes to a cardiac rehab program 3 times weekly, and has been going for a walk or working out in the basement on the other days. The event seemed to scare him straight, it seems. Right now he's trying to find a balance between following his plan and also allowing himself some "treats" now and then. He doesn't have a plan yet for what he'll do after the cardiac rehab program ends, but hopefully the habits are ingrained now.

His most recent lab results came back great. His previously elevated liver function is now in the normal range, and his AIC is also almost in the normal range. His doctor is considering reducing or even eventually eliminating his metformin.

I had forgotten to mention in my last post that the cardiologist said that the 15 lbs he had lost before the heart attack may have made a difference in the severity of the attack.

I'm extremely proud of him for taking this seriously and making the changes he needed to make. It may be that this was the best thing that could have happened.

Again, thanks to the posters who gave support when I was with him in the hospital. It was a terrifying experience and hopefully we won't have to go through that again.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the update.

[Anonymous]

OP back again. DH has gotten complacent about his diet and exercise again. He's put back on about 10 of the pounds he had lost. He had joined a gym, but hasn't been in a few months. We got a treadmill for our basement but he hasn't been using that either. He was playing a social sport once a week, but he injured himself a few weeks ago and it will be a while until he can play again. I was looking through our statements and noticed charges for Dunkin Donuts (where he used to get breakfast sandwiches daily before the heart attack) and places like Panda Express. It makes me feel really sad and angry that he hasn't learned from the experience he had a year ago. It's like to him it's water under the bridge and just a blip in his past, as opposed to the wake up call and second chance it should have been.

I know the only thing I can control is my reaction, but I really wish he'd GAF and see how his choices are impacting himself and our family. Like I have said before, I can't believe that DH hasn't turned it around for the sake of our child. I simply don't understand how breakfast sandwiches take precedence over doing what you can to make sure you will see your child grow up. I haven't been talking to him about it because he'll just get defensive and start sneaking around more so there's really no point. He'll focus more on the idea that I was looking through statements vs. the issue of the food he's been buying in order to take the focus off of himself. Meanwhile my feelings of resentment are creeping back and I can feel myself distancing from him as a result.

I read back and see how hopeful I was when he was eating well and exercising. All of this has really taken a toll on me and on our relationship, and I feel helpless sitting idly by while he risks his health. I haven't allowed myself to really sit and consider how I feel about it in a long time, and it's just kind of overwhelmingly sad when I do.

Sorry for the pity post. Hopefully just a bad day and I'll be able to change my outlook to one that's more positive.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. That's extremely frustrating and scary.

The thing about fast foods, and especially carbohydrate-based fast foods like doughnuts and Chinese take-out, are that they are truly addicting. I don't know if it makes it any easier to think about your husband as struggling with an addiction or not, but there is a biochemical component that makes it very difficult to eat carbs/sugars "in moderation" because they light up those reward centers in the brain just like cocaine does.

It's also very likely that he has a deranged metabolism and simply can't eat a "normal, healthy, balanced diet with healthy whole grains," let alone the carby/sugary junk foods he craves, and not have blood sugar spikes leading to insulin releases leading to a blood sugar crash and feelings of hunger later on. It's a vicious cycle.

He'd have to be willing to commit to it, but a low carb/high fat/moderate protein diet (way of eating/permanent lifestyle change) might help him break the carb/insulin release/blood sugar drop/hunger cycle.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any advice, but I can relate. My dh is in the same boat. DD and I are very healthy eaters. Lots of veg, lean meats, whole grains, healthy fats, etc. Dinners are extremely healthy, and dh eats them and enjoys them. However, he does take-out every day for lunch. We always have leftovers from the night before that I will pack for him, but he doesn't want them. He just wants his fast food. He is overweight and he knows it, but doesn't want to do anything about it.

I can't control him. All I can do is introduce healthy and filling meals at dinner time. I will give him credit for eating more vegetables since our dd was born. Before that it was only carrots and corn.

Anyway, good luck!!

[Anonymous]

Oh OP, I'm so sorry to hear that. I would go intense drill-sergeant style nagging on him at this point. Time to take off the kid gloves and stop worrying about whether that approach might backfire. He's essenItaly violated your trust. There's a reason married men live longer. Nagging! In fact I'd go even further and tell him you'll be monitoring his credit card bills etc. etc. Tell him you will do whatever it takes to save his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry. That's extremely frustrating and scary.

The thing about fast foods, and especially carbohydrate-based fast foods like doughnuts and Chinese take-out, are that they are truly addicting. I don't know if it makes it any easier to think about your husband as struggling with an addiction or not, but there is a biochemical component that makes it very difficult to eat carbs/sugars "in moderation" because they light up those reward centers in the brain just like cocaine does.

It's also very likely that he has a deranged metabolism and simply can't eat a "normal, healthy, balanced diet with healthy whole grains," let alone the carby/sugary junk foods he craves, and not have blood sugar spikes leading to insulin releases leading to a blood sugar crash and feelings of hunger later on. It's a vicious cycle.

He'd have to be willing to commit to it, but a low carb/high fat/moderate protein diet (way of eating/permanent lifestyle change) might help him break the carb/insulin release/blood sugar drop/hunger cycle.

The doctor told him he needs to eat low carb/lean protein/low saturated fat and he did at first but that's kind of gone by the wayside. He hasn't fully abandoned it, but the "treats" are becoming much more regular. Instead of weekly it's pretty much daily. -OP

[Anonymous]

Maybe talk to him about intermittent fasting. It's a great way to get blood work in check and it's a lot easier for people than conventional dieting. One reason why so many people have high cholesterol is because they don't give their bodies a break from food. Our bodies are meant to fast and use up what is stored. My mom has been doing intermittent fasting for the past 2 years and no longer needs to take cholesterol medication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe talk to him about intermittent fasting. It's a great way to get blood work in check and it's a lot easier for people than conventional dieting. One reason why so many people have high cholesterol is because they don't give their bodies a break from food. Our bodies are meant to fast and use up what is stored. My mom has been doing intermittent fasting for the past 2 years and no longer needs to take cholesterol medication.

First, I'm sorry, OP. What a difficult situation you are in! I had to watch my husband eat terribly (he was morbidly obese) for years. He finally did have weight loss surgery, but it was when he was ready...which was years after I was ready for him to do it.

Just wanted to second the intermittent fasting suggestion. It does work for many of us. I find it very manageable. There is a book called the Fast Diet, and I actually think the author has a new one out on diabetes, specifically. Will your husband read a book about food and obesity? Or a blog? If so, point him to Jason Fung (google him for the blog) or the book The Obesity Code.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe talk to him about intermittent fasting. It's a great way to get blood work in check and it's a lot easier for people than conventional dieting. One reason why so many people have high cholesterol is because they don't give their bodies a break from food. Our bodies are meant to fast and use up what is stored. My mom has been doing intermittent fasting for the past 2 years and no longer needs to take cholesterol medication.

terrible for a diabetic.

[Anonymous]

I am similar to your DH. I am 52, 6'2",250 lbs. (so slightly lower BMI). I am also on the max dose of cholesterol meds, and insulin dependent diabetic.

I have 4 cardiac stents. At 49, I was days away from a massive ("widow maker") heartattck. Fortunately, the Angina was severe enough that I did not ignore it. The angina was coming from a 95% blockage of the LAD artery. 18 months later, I hd three other stents put in after failing a stress test.

In my case, the diet is now pretty good -- not perfect, but no cheats. Other issues prevent me from working out (fatigue/pain from cancer).

Frankly, the Doctors do not complain about my weight. I have brought it up, and was specifically told not to worry.
But, that is the totality of me.

There is a lot of bad advice in the thread. # 1, you need to realize you can't control him. What you can to is only buy healthy foods: low fat and low carb. Contrary to what some have said, almost any starch is bad for diabetes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe talk to him about intermittent fasting. It's a great way to get blood work in check and it's a lot easier for people than conventional dieting. One reason why so many people have high cholesterol is because they don't give their bodies a break from food. Our bodies are meant to fast and use up what is stored. My mom has been doing intermittent fasting for the past 2 years and no longer needs to take cholesterol medication.

terrible for a diabetic.

It is for a Type I diabetic, yes, but not necessarily for Type II. There is increasing evidence that pre-diabetes can be reversed and diabetes improved by weight control and insulin control...both of which intermittent fasting directly targets.

[Anonymous]

It is totally untrue that a type II diabetic should eat low fat, or that intermittent fasting is terrible for a diabetic. Read the Obesity Code by Dr. Jason Fung (MD), a nephrologist who has extensive experience treating diabetic patients.

It's also a contradictory notion to eat both low carb and low fat. There are only three macronutrients: carbs, fats, and proteins. The body will convert excess protein into carbs through gluconeogenesis, so eating a high protein diet (to make up for eating low fat and low carb) will not achieve the goals of a low carb diet.

The myth that saturated fats => heart disease has also been blown out of the water. Saturated fats are not unhealthy and do not raise unhealthy cholesterol levels. It is much better for someone who is overweight and insulin resistant to eat saturated fats than to eat carbs/sugars or high protein diets.

OP -- of course none of this advice will do any good if your husband won't actually take it. But the thing about a low carb, moderate protein, high fat diet is that it's much easier to stick to because you're not so freaking hungry all the time. It makes it easier to cut down on calories because fat is very satiating and doesn't spike/drop blood sugar like carbs and too much protein can do.