How did your starter marriage end?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH's first marriage was kinda a Starter Marriage--but, like others have said, you don't go in thinking that way. DH was married less than one year (but dated 6-7 years, living together for most of that), no kids, but was in his mid-30's.

He realized he got married because it was the 'next step' and there wasn't anything majorly wrong with the relationship. No major fighting, she was a great person, so why not marry her.

It was only when they started talking about having kids (and the finality of being totally attached to her, even if they broke up) AND a hot woman paying attention to him (which made him realize what was missing from his marriage), that he knew he had to leave.

It was hard because it was less than a year after the wedding and she did not see it coming. Again, nothing WRONG with the relationship, so she was blind sided. He realized, he didn't like to rock the boat, so he didn't make clear what his needs were (and at the time, I'm not sure he even could have told you what they were).

He still feels guilty about what happened. She really is a wonderful woman and he only says great things about her. Now that he is in a good marriage (with me--I'm not the hot woman. I came along many years after that), he can see what was missing from his first. He sees that just because there wasn't anything wrong, doesn't mean it was right for him.

This makes so much sense. Glad you guys are happy, and I hope his first wife went on to find happiness too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I busted my wife red handed having an affair.

+ Me, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I busted my wife red handed having an affair.

+ Me, too.

What is it with these skanks? I think women cheat more than men because they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like ours is pretty much over but we haven't taken actual steps to end things. Sad but resolute. Looking for stories from people who've btdt. Wha happened? How did you know it was the end?

20 years in and still going strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like ours is pretty much over but we haven't taken actual steps to end things. Sad but resolute. Looking for stories from people who've btdt. Wha happened? How did you know it was the end?

20 years in and still going strong.

So it looks like it wasn't a starter marriage then. But I'm sure the sad OP whose marriage is ending is happy to know you've been married for 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like ours is pretty much over but we haven't taken actual steps to end things. Sad but resolute. Looking for stories from people who've btdt. Wha happened? How did you know it was the end?

Why did you get married? Serious question.

All the marriages that I've known about that turned out to be starter marriages - at least one of the participants knew in ways either big or small that it wasn't the right thing to do, but did it anyway. "He'll change." "Once we're married we won't fight." "We've been together for 5 years and we want kids." "Everyone is wrong about her." "Whatever, we can get a divorce if it doesn't work out." It's not a question of when you know it's the end - it's when you can admit to yourself that you knew all along that you shouldn't have done it in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you go in with the idea of a "starter" marriage, then it's already over before it began.

+1 It should be viewed as the beginning of a life-time commitment. Otherwise, why get married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like ours is pretty much over but we haven't taken actual steps to end things. Sad but resolute. Looking for stories from people who've btdt. Wha happened? How did you know it was the end?

Why did you get married? Serious question.

All the marriages that I've known about that turned out to be starter marriages - at least one of the participants knew in ways either big or small that it wasn't the right thing to do, but did it anyway. "He'll change." "Once we're married we won't fight." "We've been together for 5 years and we want kids." "Everyone is wrong about her." "Whatever, we can get a divorce if it doesn't work out." It's not a question of when you know it's the end - it's when you can admit to yourself that you knew all along that you shouldn't have done it in the first place.

Wrong. People can change. People lie. Someone who you thought was perfect for you can make a terrible decision and change the way you see them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you go in with the idea of a "starter" marriage, then it's already over before it began.

+1 It should be viewed as the beginning of a life-time commitment. Otherwise, why get married?

You're missing the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you go in with the idea of a "starter" marriage, then it's already over before it began.

+1 It should be viewed as the beginning of a life-time commitment. Otherwise, why get married?

Please. Just stop with that smug attitude. Plenty of people out there who are now regretting they DIDN'T leave their forever marriage years ago and are now getting snark from everyone they know for tolerating abuse or general fuckery for so many years. They say "oh, the poor kids, why didn't Lulu realize long ago he was a jerk/addict/cheater/abuser?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like ours is pretty much over but we haven't taken actual steps to end things. Sad but resolute. Looking for stories from people who've btdt. Wha happened? How did you know it was the end?

Why did you get married? Serious question.

All the marriages that I've known about that turned out to be starter marriages - at least one of the participants knew in ways either big or small that it wasn't the right thing to do, but did it anyway. "He'll change." "Once we're married we won't fight." "We've been together for 5 years and we want kids." "Everyone is wrong about her." "Whatever, we can get a divorce if it doesn't work out." It's not a question of when you know it's the end - it's when you can admit to yourself that you knew all along that you shouldn't have done it in the first place.

Wrong. People can change. People lie. Someone who you thought was perfect for you can make a terrible decision and change the way you see them.

Wrong. If you think that is true, you don't know the person at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like ours is pretty much over but we haven't taken actual steps to end things. Sad but resolute. Looking for stories from people who've btdt. Wha happened? How did you know it was the end?

Why did you get married? Serious question.

All the marriages that I've known about that turned out to be starter marriages - at least one of the participants knew in ways either big or small that it wasn't the right thing to do, but did it anyway. "He'll change." "Once we're married we won't fight." "We've been together for 5 years and we want kids." "Everyone is wrong about her." "Whatever, we can get a divorce if it doesn't work out." It's not a question of when you know it's the end - it's when you can admit to yourself that you knew all along that you shouldn't have done it in the first place.

Wrong. People can change. People lie. Someone who you thought was perfect for you can make a terrible decision and change the way you see them.

Wrong. If you think that is true, you don't know the person at all.

Are you always so smug?

I lost my crystal ball. Had no way to foresee that DH would abuse cocaine 4 years into the marriage.

[Anonymous]

We married in grad school and seemed happy but didn't have a lot of "grownup" experience, either personally or together as a couple as we didn't date for long before we got engaged. We assumed it would be a forever relationship, but in hindsight I also didn't know a lot of things that would have been useful in building an actual relationship instead of a Hollywood montage one.

I finally realized it was over when after years of supporting his career growth and respecting his personal space as an introvert when he needed to decompress from the stressful job that he landed several years in that we never had time for each other and he was perfectly happy with it that way.

Whenever I tried to talk to him about it, he repeatedly assured me that his career was the only important thing in his life. We had grown so far apart and discovered that we had such drastically different life goals that I was actually kind of relieved to hear it and started shopping for apartments.

Remarried and it's like night and day. Thank goodness for second chances!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like ours is pretty much over but we haven't taken actual steps to end things. Sad but resolute. Looking for stories from people who've btdt. Wha happened? How did you know it was the end?

20 years in and still going strong.

So it looks like it wasn't a starter marriage then. But I'm sure the sad OP whose marriage is ending is happy to know you've been married for 20 years.

Someone looking for validation on an anonymous forum is probably not 20 years and going strong.

[Anonymous]

Didn't marry the long-term boyfriend I had in my early 20's and avoided a starter marriage, thank god.