My wife hates my technology toys....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a little disheartening to see the OP being regarded as essentially a mule whose purpose is to make money. Too bad about your cancer OP. Don't spend too much making yourself happy, because the Ladies of DCUM have no pity. As if cancer doesn't suck enough, OP can't spend $3k on himself per year, and enjoy his relatively, modest, nerdy hobbies, even though he has a 1 million dollar policy and 750k in savings.

Nobody is doing that. It's money that's causing tension in the marriage. That's why its the focal point. He deserves technology but his wife also deserves security.

If he dies, his wife gets
$1 million +
$750k +
$40k

That's not enough? I'm no mathematician, but that's enough to buy a near-six figure annuity. That's not enough? Do they live in Beverly Hills?

Why is there so much focus on his SAH wife when he is the one suffering, especially when they are quite well-off? Can you imagine a stay at home dad hassling his cancer-ridden wife, who works and makes all the money, over buying a MacBook every couple of years? I think most DCUMers would be outraged.

I feel that there is a double-standard at play here.

According to the annuity calculator I found online, if you assume a reasonable rate of return and a 40-year annuity (let's assume OP's wife is in her 40s, and doesn't live past 80s, which is a risky assumption), it would provide her with annual income of about $85,000. In other words, if OP were to die, just a little more than half of their current income, which has to cover mortgage payments, college tuition, retirement and everything else. Yes, she could go back to work, and hopefully in a few years make a decent salary, but not necessarily at his level or enough to make up the shortfall. And don't forget, she would also have a child who just lost her father, and it probably wouldn't be in their child's best interest to immediately be sent off to a new care provider while mom jumps into a full time job right after losing him.

So, in short, OP, unless you live someplace with a substantially lower COL than the DC area, I suspect you aren't "fine," and your wife is right to be concerned about your finances. I think that sit-down with a financial planner would be a very good idea for both of you. Once you have some reasonable goals set for shoring up your finances, then set a budget that allows each of you a set amount of "fun money" for gadgets, hair coloring, etc. If she knows everyone's long-term financial needs are being met, she may ease up about the gadgets.

[Anonymous]

OP, what does your wife want to talk about with a marriage councelor? Do you know? Why won't you at least go with her to a finantial planner? You know you're ok finantially but does she? She may need a third party to tell her this. Finally, do you invite her to go to spring training with you? Even if she doesn't care about baseball, she would enjoy knowing you want her there and there's nothing saying she can't go sit on the beach while you're at a game. If you have children and are leaving her at home to go off and enjoy yourself, I'd be pissed at you. Cancer or no, you are a husband and father and your ass needs to be with your family. Nobody has a lock on tomorrow. If spring training matters and you have kids in school, pull them out and go as a family if you feel you need this time. My sense is that both of you are needlessly dug into your possitions. That's way more damaging to the marriage then whatever you are or are not spending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a little disheartening to see the OP being regarded as essentially a mule whose purpose is to make money. Too bad about your cancer OP. Don't spend too much making yourself happy, because the Ladies of DCUM have no pity. As if cancer doesn't suck enough, OP can't spend $3k on himself per year, and enjoy his relatively, modest, nerdy hobbies, even though he has a 1 million dollar policy and 750k in savings.

Nobody is doing that. It's money that's causing tension in the marriage. That's why its the focal point. He deserves technology but his wife also deserves security.

If he dies, his wife gets
$1 million +
$750k +
$40k

That's not enough? I'm no mathematician, but that's enough to buy a near-six figure annuity. That's not enough? Do they live in Beverly Hills?

Why is there so much focus on his SAH wife when he is the one suffering, especially when they are quite well-off? Can you imagine a stay at home dad hassling his cancer-ridden wife, who works and makes all the money, over buying a MacBook every couple of years? I think most DCUMers would be outraged.

I feel that there is a double-standard at play here.

According to the annuity calculator I found online, if you assume a reasonable rate of return and a 40-year annuity (let's assume OP's wife is in her 40s, and doesn't live past 80s, which is a risky assumption), it would provide her with annual income of about $85,000. In other words, if OP were to die, just a little more than half of their current income, which has to cover mortgage payments, college tuition, retirement and everything else. Yes, she could go back to work, and hopefully in a few years make a decent salary, but not necessarily at his level or enough to make up the shortfall. And don't forget, she would also have a child who just lost her father, and it probably wouldn't be in their child's best interest to immediately be sent off to a new care provider while mom jumps into a full time job right after losing him.

So, in short, OP, unless you live someplace with a substantially lower COL than the DC area, I suspect you aren't "fine," and your wife is right to be concerned about your finances. I think that sit-down with a financial planner would be a very good idea for both of you. Once you have some reasonable goals set for shoring up your finances, then set a budget that allows each of you a set amount of "fun money" for gadgets, hair coloring, etc. If she knows everyone's long-term financial needs are being met, she may ease up about the gadgets.

OP here. When looking at everything, there are a few factors ignored in the money: Social Security....Age of child...and I never listed all assets, only liquid assets. We have 300-400K equity on our house. (we owe 250K, and the lot alone is worth 550-600K, with the house, a smidgen more). Right now, until DD turns 18, DW would get about 3700/mo from Social Security. After she reaches retirement age, she would get 24000/yr. I assume she has to work, and would earn at least 30K....

On our expenses, she would be fine -- might have to cut a little bit.

Oh, no child care expenses would be involved, as DD is 12.

Expectations are DW would move to a lower cost of living area once DD graduates HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what does your wife want to talk about with a marriage councelor? Do you know? Why won't you at least go with her to a finantial planner? You know you're ok finantially but does she? She may need a third party to tell her this. Finally, do you invite her to go to spring training with you? Even if she doesn't care about baseball, she would enjoy knowing you want her there and there's nothing saying she can't go sit on the beach while you're at a game. If you have children and are leaving her at home to go off and enjoy yourself, I'd be pissed at you. Cancer or no, you are a husband and father and your ass needs to be with your family. Nobody has a lock on tomorrow. If spring training matters and you have kids in school, pull them out and go as a family if you feel you need this time. My sense is that both of you are needlessly dug into your possitions. That's way more damaging to the marriage then whatever you are or are not spending.

DD is in 7th grade. She can not miss 2 weeks (I am going for Spring training, and arranging for some business meetings down there....). I invited them down for a long weekend, but DW decided not to. I asked if DD could come down on her own, DW would lot let her fly alone....

[Anonymous]

OP here:

With our assets + life insurance, DW would have a net worth of about 2.2 million....

according to
[url]
http://www.calculator.net/annuity-payout-calculator.html?cstartingprinciple=2200000&cyearstopayout=40&cinterestrate=6&cinflationrate=3&cmonthoryear=year&x=63&y=15[/url]

which would be worth about 146K /year for 40 years....Add in social security: 44K/year till DD turns 18 (5 years 1 month), and 24K starting in 20 years (she reaches retirement age)....in the intervening years, with any work, she would be ahead of my current salary (the deficit is 10K)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She may be feeling panicked and out of control because of your cancer diagnosis. She's worried. When people are feeling out of control, they try to grab onto things they think they can control. Your spending may be one of them.

You might want to sit down with an objective third party. In this case a financial planner could be that objective voice. Or you could go talk with a marriage counselor for a few sessions to get at the root of this and work out a plan where you get to have your "toys" and she feels in control.

I have suggested marriage counseling, but she rejects it. I refuse to go to a financial planner, because we are fine. The planner will not tell me anything I don't know. Fine as in: we bought our house in 1999, before the runup, and while my salary has gone up 2.5x, the mortgage is about the same (2K per month on 160K/year income). The real issue on the finances is she never looks at the big picture; she sees sometimes we have very little in the checking account....but sometimes we have a lot.

We have the same income and a similar mortgage (just under $2200) and I would FREAK OUT if DH spent that much on technology. And he would freak out if I did. That is an outrageous amount for a middle-income family to spend each year on gadgets. Especially a family with serious medical bills to deal with. I am really sorry about your health but I can totally understand your wife's concern. She is probably so worried about you and the financial worries are just heaped on top of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

With our assets + life insurance, DW would have a net worth of about 2.2 million....

according to
[url]
http://www.calculator.net/annuity-payout-calculator.html?cstartingprinciple=2200000&cyearstopayout=40&cinterestrate=6&cinflationrate=3&cmonthoryear=year&x=63&y=15[/url]

which would be worth about 146K /year for 40 years....Add in social security: 44K/year till DD turns 18 (5 years 1 month), and 24K starting in 20 years (she reaches retirement age)....in the intervening years, with any work, she would be ahead of my current salary (the deficit is 10K)

The shrews in dcum was more more more. Not enough, OP.

[Anonymous]

Ok...let me put it another way. I am worth more dead than alive. She will have about 190K per year; currently I make 157K;

[Anonymous]

OK fine. But she doesn't want you dead, dummy. She wants you alive. And she doesn't want to feel financially pinched while you are here. I don't want my DH overspending, either, even though he is 15 years older than I am and well-insured. I want the years we have together on Earth to be as stress-free as possible, and that includes not spending beyond our means.

[Anonymous]

Op, tell your wife to get a god damn job.

[Anonymous]

Wait, they have one child in the seventh grade, the wife is a SAHM? Or, did I misunderstand something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

With our assets + life insurance, DW would have a net worth of about 2.2 million....

according to
[url]
http://www.calculator.net/annuity-payout-calculator.html?cstartingprinciple=2200000&cyearstopayout=40&cinterestrate=6&cinflationrate=3&cmonthoryear=year&x=63&y=15[/url]

which would be worth about 146K /year for 40 years....Add in social security: 44K/year till DD turns 18 (5 years 1 month), and 24K starting in 20 years (she reaches retirement age)....in the intervening years, with any work, she would be ahead of my current salary (the deficit is 10K)

You're assuming a lot more in assets than you listed. Yes, you have equity in your house, but unless you expect your wife to sell the house as soon as you die and then live on the streets, that equity needs to go into housing for her, separate from any long-term planning. Also, a 6% rate of return is a little bit of an aggressive assumption for an annuity, because of the fixed payments the investments are going to be a little more conservative.

But even if we take your assumptions as correct, did you notice the line right under the $146k? That in 40 years, that would be worth less than $45k in today's dollars? That's not going to go very far, especially at an age where your wife may need more medical care for herself. And even before that, what about college for your daughter? Do you have a college fund for her?

I'm sure what you're going through is very difficult, and I can't imagine the emotions that are going along with it. But it feels like there's a little of a "who cares what happens to them once I'm dead" tone to the whole thing when you're seemingly not willing to even consider re-evaluating your budget if there's a chance it might mean you can't buy a shiny new toy every year.