MIL staying with us and keeps checking mail. annoying the mess out of me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are drowning in a glass of your own bile, don't do that to yourself. The lady is obviously trying to do something nice, to be helpful. It is easy to feel useless when you are at someone else's home and most people want to help anyway they can. Just thank her for picking up your mail everyday, tell her that it is very nice of her and ask her if she would mind not throwing away anything because you like reading some of the "junk". That's it. My MIL stays at our home for a whole month once a year. It sucks, I hate having someone just there all the time, but it is what it is. The first year she tried to be helpful by doing laundry, but she just made a mess, so the second year I kindly told her that I rather do the laundry. My husband is a mama's boy so he told her she could do his laundry and every year she manages to turn his whites to pink LOL But she is happy doing laundry and my husband is happy that she is happy. Some of the things she does and messes she makes I just have to grin and think happy thoughts because she is an older lady and I hope when I'm older my children's spouses will treat me with kindness and respect. You get what you give, so be kind to her.

Classic DCUM Doormat Syndrome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a DH that has lived through this; MIL would live with us a couple of days a week. Would get the mail, answer the phone, not give messages,wash my underwear. Someone said it very well earlier - take a controlling personality, put them in an environment where they are bored, and you get "I'm only trying to help".
I would implore my DW to discuss with her Mom. As my DW likes to avoid confrontation and her Mom is very controlling, frankly my DW found it easier to control me.
You REALLY need to deal with this head on. Demand your spouse's support and hold them to it. It will get worse. I was young and naive. My MIL and DW really needed a come to Jesus. Instead it was I was wrong for denying my wife the help and support of her Mom. I'd turn around in the morning and she would be cleaning my bathroom. Get work calls that she wouldn't tell me about. I'm older now - it's insane. You really really need to draw s line in the sand. I should have divorced over it - and not because of MIL's behavior but rather DW's handling of it. There is nothing worse than not being able to be comfortable in one's own home.

Yikes! You are really whipped.

Married young, very sensitive to MILs status, and tried to be a good provider. When we dated discussed MIL helping with little ones. Things changed and could afford for DW to SAHM. Frankly preferred that to MIL spending more time with us. I do t know sometimes I think if I was easier going I would not have minded so much but it used to feel like such an invasion of privacy. So, thought that was providers did. But my eyes slowly opened
and I got to the point where I really don't welcome her in my home. Sometimes life is hard. The one lesson I learned is that you and your spouse need to put each other and your relationship first, above all else. If that's not the case then you really can't plan a life together can you ? But yeah it used to put my hair on fire. I have a very clear conscience that I tried to be a good guy. No angel and probably not easy to live with but I did have a generosity of soul.

Pathetic, really pathetic. Should have grown some balls. Your life could have been soo much better. Clear conscience, right. Weakling is more accurate.

Judge much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I came home from dropped DS off at preschool one day to find my visiting MIL folding my underwear. She had gone I to our closet and done out laundry, which was nice I guess, but she was literally holding up a pair of my flowery, frilly underwear and said how cute they were.

Sooooo... what did you do?

I turned beet red, thanked her for doing laundry but told her I was happy to finish folding and took the laundry basket from her. Then I texted my husband freaking out. He later told her thanks but no thanks on the laundry. I might take her up on it when we have a newborn though!

My MIL folds and organizes DH underwear pretty much every time she visits. I know he's her son, but still find it weird.

What??? They are just undies. When my MIL, or one of my aunts come to visit us, they always do the laundry, they like to feel helpful. I LOVE it. They separate our stuff and the kids stuff neatly folded. Sometimes the socks get confused, but who cares, I don't have to do laundry for a couple of weeks. I love them, they are a hoot and love to cook also. I just chop for them and help load the dish washer when everything is done. My kids love having family over, game nigh is always more fun! It is something special.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I came home from dropped DS off at preschool one day to find my visiting MIL folding my underwear. She had gone I to our closet and done out laundry, which was nice I guess, but she was literally holding up a pair of my flowery, frilly underwear and said how cute they were.

Sooooo... what did you do?

I turned beet red, thanked her for doing laundry but told her I was happy to finish folding and took the laundry basket from her. Then I texted my husband freaking out. He later told her thanks but no thanks on the laundry. I might take her up on it when we have a newborn though!

My MIL folds and organizes DH underwear pretty much every time she visits. I know he's her son, but still find it weird.

What??? They are just undies. When my MIL, or one of my aunts come to visit us, they always do the laundry, they like to feel helpful. I LOVE it. They separate our stuff and the kids stuff neatly folded. Sometimes the socks get confused, but who cares, I don't have to do laundry for a couple of weeks. I love them, they are a hoot and love to cook also. I just chop for them and help load the dish washer when everything is done. My kids love having family over, game nigh is always more fun! It is something special.

I am the DH who posted about my challenges and I admire your ability to see this with gratitude. I have often thought that if my MIL had become involved in our lives after kids when you are scrambling with kids then we may have had a different outcome. A more the merrier approach if you will. So I do think kids change the dynamic. Hey, and to get along you have yo go along. In my case part of the issue was the controlling nature of MIL and I think that is s little of what OP is experiencing.

[Anonymous]

She's bored.

When my ILs come for their 3 week trips they do nothing. One time they tried to sit around, but instead decided to evaluate the whole house for things to fix (attic, garage, fence, painting stuff, etc). Then messed things up more than improved them. Oh and they come from Europe so need to do their laundry(they only bring 4 underwears) 3x a week in rinky dink machines, which we don't have.

Next trip they sat around the house reading ipads while the nanny tried to do her job.

But, they don't go through our things or mail...

Basically, it is hard to entertain someone for more than a week. You slip into roommate zone and need to come up with a routine. We've never gotten there with the ILs but with a live in nanny we had to explain the city, transport, food, social stuff, kid stuff, household stuff, etc. Then it gets much smoother and everyone is happy and adjusted.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you don't just say, "Phyllis, I'm sure you were just trying to help, but it is important to me that I pick up the mail every day and go through it. Please do not check our mailbox in the future. Thanks!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you don't just say, "Phyllis, I'm sure you were just trying to help, but it is important to me that I pick up the mail every day and go through it. Please do not check our mailbox in the future. Thanks!"

Many tragic cases of DCUM Doormat Syndrome. Pay attention!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I came home from dropped DS off at preschool one day to find my visiting MIL folding my underwear. She had gone I to our closet and done out laundry, which was nice I guess, but she was literally holding up a pair of my flowery, frilly underwear and said how cute they were.

Sooooo... what did you do?

I turned beet red, thanked her for doing laundry but told her I was happy to finish folding and took the laundry basket from her. Then I texted my husband freaking out. He later told her thanks but no thanks on the laundry. I might take her up on it when we have a newborn though!

My ILs were staying with us once and we had literally just done five loads of laundry over the weekend and hadn't had a chance to fold anything yet, so all the clothes were sitting in baskets in the laundry room waiting to be folded. I came home from work one day and MIL and said "Oh, I did all your dirty laundry for you!" I didn't think anything of it because there had been maybe a load's worth of clothes in our hamper, so I thanked her and then later that day when I was putting that day's clothes in the hamper, saw that it was still full. What dirty laundry had they done then? The five loads that we had already washed!! Ugh. I told DH to tell them never to do our laundry again - good intentions but what a waste of energy and water!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for not explaining better, the key and code also access our building door and apartment so she has both to get in and out, can't really take either away from her. I am sure she thinks its helpful but sometimes she will watch me come in and go back down and then wait for me to come all the way back up to tell me she already got the mail. Its just frustrating me. I pay money for my magazines and she's thrown them away twice now. I have no idea what else is being tossed. I also don't like the idea of her going through the mail with bills and personal stuff. Just adjusting I guess. I would love a MIL who cleaned and organized. Would be helpful. this one just seems to go through everything.

After your husband - him, not you! -- tells her thanks for trying to help but stop doing this:

Consider that she's bored and wants something to DO in the household. Find her something that she can make her own and be sure that YOU will not come to see that as annoying too. Be enthusiastic and upbeat about whatever you and your husband and she decide is "her" occupation in the home. Maybe she would love to cook the weekend meals so you don't have to. Maybe you hate her cooking and being in the kitchen, so give her the laundry to do. If you are picky about how laundry gets done, find something else. But find something.

If you can't be direct and simple with her about something as basic as "please do not pick up the mail" -- how are you going to cope with her living in your space 24/7 for the future? Sounds like you and your husband need to find his mom some groups to join or things to do outside the house each day or several times a week, as well as daily chores she would like to do. People need to feel needed and helpful. She may be having difficulty adjusting to living with you just as you're having difficulty adjusting to having her there. Make sure she can feel needed when at home, and do get her some activity outside home too.

[Anonymous]

I still kind of get excited when the mail comes on Saturday or when I'm working from home. I usually get up and get it right away.
Plus, all of you who wonder why old people have to check the mail... c'mon now. How many times per day do you check your email? Even your old, personal email account that mainly just gets junk mail and advertisements?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you don't just say, "Phyllis, I'm sure you were just trying to help, but it is important to me that I pick up the mail every day and go through it. Please do not check our mailbox in the future. Thanks!"

Maybe because her MIL isn't named Phyllis.