Grandma says "Mommy said no"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In contrast with PPs, I think it's well possible that she's being passive aggressive - not wanting to give rules, wanting to show them that she's fun, wanting to boost her ego by not being the mean one.

That said, the general advice of "let it go" stands, I think. Not much you can do. It's nice that she helps, and maybe I'm wrong re: the passive-aggressive impulse. You're a good mom who makes and sticks to rules, so you're winning even if you're bad cop.

I kinda bet this right here.

But why no, "Daddy says you can't"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I know it's not the worst problem in the world. Just venting. It's more work when she's here though. She doesn't enforce any rules at all and let's them go nuts and run amok. The house is a mess when she leaves and it's exhausting and disruptive. Im not anal or rigid at all, I just don't like her letting them dump Legos all over the floor and move on to something else. If she was visiting from out of town once in a while, I would be much more lenient and understanding. I just hate dealing with the fun uncle dynamic when she's a grown woman who comes over every few days. The teenage babysitters have more control and are more respectful than her.

Again, just a little venting here.

Then dial back the visits a little until they are naturally less frequent.

Or have her take them to the playground or the backyard where there's less mess opportunity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I want to clarify to all the posters saying I shouldn't complain because she is watching my kids. She's not watching them for me. She comes over because she's lonely and wants to see her grandkids and dh and me. When she comes, I'm entertaining her and making dinner for her and my family. She plays with the kids, but she's really just visiting with us. It's more like how it would be if she was in town for a visit, but she's here all the time.

Seeing your follow-up, definitely see her less.

And if she's not calling before she comes over, ask her to do that. Tell her you're getting busier and that you need her to check in before showing up, and then tell her it's not a good time a few times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives nearby and sees the grandkids every few days. Whenever she is here and my kids are doing something they shouldn't or ask for something they can't have and I say no, she says "No, Larla, mommy said you can't." It drives me nuts. It's like she's comiserating with them and making me the bad cop. I think she thinks she's helping, but it makes me crazy.

For example, if she's playing with them and letting them jump all over the couch and I come in and tell them not to, she'll say "ok guys, no more jumping. Mommy said you can't jump on the couch." Or if I'm making dinner and they start asking her for cookies and I say no, she'll say "sorry guys, mommy said you can't have cookies." Why does it have to always be "mommy said"? She can't just say "no kids, don't run with scissors" or "we can't color on the walls" instead of "mommy said you can't color on the walls".

Vent over.

How about she says "Mommy said" because you DID tell them no snacks before dinner or to stop jumping on furniture? You ARE the bad cop!!

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I do this with my SIL, because she's very sensitive that I not dare ever overstep my place as aunt and discipline her children. So if I said, "No jumping on the couch", she would call me out and say I'm not the mom. (She's a monster, BTW, and I'm not at all implying that you are...just that there might be another reason she is doing this.)

So I say, "Mommy says no more cookies" or "Mommy says it's too cold to play outside" not because I want her to be the meanie -- in fact, she rarely disciplines or has limits - but only because the only authority I'm allowed to have is authority in her name with her permission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again to clarify. She's not babysitting my kids. I am home.

I hate you more every time you respond. You obviously don't like your MIL. Rant about something else that she does because this isn't a good example.

lolololol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--You have to talk with her. Be a big girl. Take her out for coffee or a pedicure. Reach out to her:
"Madge, I love having you over and enjoy seeing the kids play with their grandmother. I really need your help. It would be great if you would present a united front with me around things like jumping on the couch or eating cookies right before dinner or when it's time to clean up. If the kids hear us both saying it, then it's more consistent..."

Or something like that. Bottom line is to enlist her help.

winning strategy here

[Anonymous]

yeah, this is obvious. Ask her to help. Have her make the kids clean up their messes, even if she says, "Mommy wants you to clean up the Legos now."

It's okay for grandparents to have the doting, spoiling roles. It's kind of a tradition, and if you had grandparents, it's pretty special. At least she's not undermining and telling the kids to ignore what you say.

And yeah, have her take the kids outside. No reason for them to be jumping around indoors if they have someone there to take them outside.

It sounds like you're mostly kind of annoyed that she's around so much, OP. Would you rather be in my shoes, with kids whose local grandmother never ever ever comes over to see them? (Of course, it would get on my nerves if she was over here a lot. I'd definitely make her go somewhere with the kids.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are the bad guy. It's the joy of motherhood. Accept it. Embrace it.

+1. It sucks but is the price for having unpaid sitters.

[Anonymous]

Get over it.

[Anonymous]

As long as your husband doesn't parent that way...

Not sure what is up with gma, but if that's the only odd thing, move along

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like she's trying to teach them to respect your authority as their mother. That's a good thing.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives nearby and sees the grandkids every few days. Whenever she is here and my kids are doing something they shouldn't or ask for something they can't have and I say no, she says "No, Larla, mommy said you can't." It drives me nuts. It's like she's comiserating with them and making me the bad cop. I think she thinks she's helping, but it makes me crazy.

For example, if she's playing with them and letting them jump all over the couch and I come in and tell them not to, she'll say "ok guys, no more jumping. Mommy said you can't jump on the couch." Or if I'm making dinner and they start asking her for cookies and I say no, she'll say "sorry guys, mommy said you can't have cookies." Why does it have to always be "mommy said"? She can't just say "no kids, don't run with scissors" or "we can't color on the walls" instead of "mommy said you can't color on the walls".

Vent over.

She has no authority. You are their authority. She is supporting your role as the authority figure. She's not trying to be their parent but she is being supportive of your rules. I think you are being sensitive. It would be worse if she defied what you say and let them do things anyway that are against your rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I know it's not the worst problem in the world. Just venting. It's more work when she's here though. She doesn't enforce any rules at all and let's them go nuts and run amok. The house is a mess when she leaves and it's exhausting and disruptive. Im not anal or rigid at all, I just don't like her letting them dump Legos all over the floor and move on to something else. If she was visiting from out of town once in a while, I would be much more lenient and understanding. I just hate dealing with the fun uncle dynamic when she's a grown woman who comes over every few days. The teenage babysitters have more control and are more respectful than her.

Again, just a little venting here.

Why is it her fault that your kids dump their legos? What are you doing when she is over? If your kids dump legos, that's still your problem. She probably knows that they would ignore her if she told them not to.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why your house is messier when she comes over. Are you spending all your time cooking her an elaborate meal and have to ignore your kids? What about when she isn't there? Keep it simple and let her eat macaroni and cheese when she comes over so that you can still do your mom duties without falling behind on policing the legos.