Grandma says "Mommy said no"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Op again. I want to clarify to all the posters saying I shouldn't complain because she is watching my kids. She's not watching them for me. She comes over because she's lonely and wants to see her grandkids and dh and me. When she comes, I'm entertaining her and making dinner for her and my family. She plays with the kids, but she's really just visiting with us. It's more like how it would be if she was in town for a visit, but she's here all the time.

It sounds like there is a lot more going on between you and her than her saying "Mommy said no." It should not bother you that she attributes your rules to you. Other factors (her being there all of the time) sound legitimately irritating.

Yes, this is true. I love my mil and we get along. I think I'm just getting tired of how exhausting it is when she is here. The house ends up a disaster and I'm constantly stepping in to stop the kids from doing things that she's just letting them do. And to top it all off, not only does she let them do whatever they want, she says "mommy said no" when I have to step in.

If your MIL isn't babysitting (as you said), then why are you upset about having to "step in"? That's what parents do (when there's no babysitter). Your argument doesn't hold up. Find something new to complain about.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would limit her visits then. Let her know that she is disruptive to the household and tell her why. Instead of a few times per week, how about once per week. OR, what about packing everyone up to go to her house and let the kids tear up her shit and then you leave her to clean up the mess at her own house. See how often she asks you to come back. LOL. My own mother still complains 30 years later about my paternal grandmother doing this to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Op again. I want to clarify to all the posters saying I shouldn't complain because she is watching my kids. She's not watching them for me. She comes over because she's lonely and wants to see her grandkids and dh and me. When she comes, I'm entertaining her and making dinner for her and my family. She plays with the kids, but she's really just visiting with us. It's more like how it would be if she was in town for a visit, but she's here all the time.

It sounds like there is a lot more going on between you and her than her saying "Mommy said no." It should not bother you that she attributes your rules to you. Other factors (her being there all of the time) sound legitimately irritating.

Yes, this is true. I love my mil and we get along. I think I'm just getting tired of how exhausting it is when she is here. The house ends up a disaster and I'm constantly stepping in to stop the kids from doing things that she's just letting them do. And to top it all off, not only does she let them do whatever they want, she says "mommy said no" when I have to step in.

No, you don't get along because instead of discussing this with her directly, you are ranting on an internet forum. Put on your big girl panties and talk to her (and your DH).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The house ends up a disaster and I'm constantly stepping in to stop the kids from doing things that she's just letting them do. And to top it all off, not only does she let them do whatever they want, she says "mommy said no" when I have to step in.

A few things here. I understand that you don't like her being over all of the time, and that may be legitimate. But I think you are operating under the assumption that she should be disciplining the kids, and that is not a role that she seems like she intends to fill, or that she is obligated to. Yes, it would be nice if she did so since she is there all of the time, but that's not necessarily part of the grandparent role. Take charge and don't let the kids make your house a disaster, whether or not she is there visiting.

OP here. You are exactly right. This pretty much sums up the situation. It is what it is. It would be nice if she had more control with the kids and could do a minimum amount of disciplining them since she is here so frequently. But, she doesn't. So, I get a little annoyed when I hear her say "mommy said..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In contrast with PPs, I think it's well possible that she's being passive aggressive - not wanting to give rules, wanting to show them that she's fun, wanting to boost her ego by not being the mean one.

That said, the general advice of "let it go" stands, I think. Not much you can do. It's nice that she helps, and maybe I'm wrong re: the passive-aggressive impulse. You're a good mom who makes and sticks to rules, so you're winning even if you're bad cop.

Agree. At a minimum, she's being a wimp, which is really annoying. Be a grown up, grandma! But let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again to clarify. She's not babysitting my kids. I am home.

I hate you more every time you respond. You obviously don't like your MIL. Rant about something else that she does because this isn't a good example.

I can see why it's hard to have a houseguest every couple of days. My MIL is also local, and when she's over she intermeddles in every disagreement between DH and me, sides with him, and turns a conversation into a full-blown fight. She inspects our apartment for dust, dirt, and mess, and makes sure our fridge has prepared meals. She then scolds me for being a bad wife and leaves, satisfied with her hard work.
You can hate me now too.

[Anonymous]

OP--You have to talk with her. Be a big girl. Take her out for coffee or a pedicure. Reach out to her:
"Madge, I love having you over and enjoy seeing the kids play with their grandmother. I really need your help. It would be great if you would present a united front with me around things like jumping on the couch or eating cookies right before dinner or when it's time to clean up. If the kids hear us both saying it, then it's more consistent..."

Or something like that. Bottom line is to enlist her help.

[Anonymous]

DD told me last week that she likes Grandma better than me and Daddy because she's nicer than we are. I took it as a sign we're doing a good job, and that MIL (who drives me nuts with the same kind of stupid comments you describe) is being a great grandma.

[Anonymous]

You are annoyed because she is supporting you? Not taking over? Not disagreeing? Not parenting?

What WOULD make you happy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again to clarify. She's not babysitting my kids. I am home.

I hate you more every time you respond. You obviously don't like your MIL. Rant about something else that she does because this isn't a good example.

I can see why it's hard to have a houseguest every couple of days. My MIL is also local, and when she's over she intermeddles in every disagreement between DH and me, sides with him, and turns a conversation into a full-blown fight. She inspects our apartment for dust, dirt, and mess, and makes sure our fridge has prepared meals. She then scolds me for being a bad wife and leaves, satisfied with her hard work.
You can hate me now too.

Not even close to OP's situation...but nice try.

[Anonymous]

She's reinforcing what you said to the kids and she's citing you as the authority because you are the authority. As long as her tone isn't sarcastic, she's doing this as a gesture of respect. You said no so when you leave the room and the kids keep doing it, she repeats "Mom said no" and expects them to stop. That's respectful, as far as I'm concerned. Disrespect would be like, "hey, let's go over here where mommy can't bother us" or "why don't you come over to my house where you can jump on the couch all you want?" or just saying nothing at all as your kids keep jumping on the couch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again to clarify. She's not babysitting my kids. I am home.

I hate you more every time you respond. You obviously don't like your MIL. Rant about something else that she does because this isn't a good example.

I can see why it's hard to have a houseguest every couple of days. My MIL is also local, and when she's over she intermeddles in every disagreement between DH and me, sides with him, and turns a conversation into a full-blown fight. She inspects our apartment for dust, dirt, and mess, and makes sure our fridge has prepared meals. She then scolds me for being a bad wife and leaves, satisfied with her hard work.
You can hate me now too.

Nice Rant-Jacking.

[Anonymous]

I think her tone would matter here. Does she say, "mommy said to" in a sympathetic, commiserative voice? or is it, "okay kids, mommy said to pack it up!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get over it and be thankful that you have a MIL that comes over to look after your kids. You get a break and the kids get to see their grandmother.

I'm sure you have deeper issues with your MIL (most women do) but this isn't one to focus on.

+1! I wish my mom or MIL would come over to watch the kids once in a while! Never happens. As for the relationship -- have you tried telling your MIL that you don't like her phrasing things that way? Maybe she doesn't know and she thinks she's doing it right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again to clarify. She's not babysitting my kids. I am home.

I hate you more every time you respond. You obviously don't like your MIL. Rant about something else that she does because this isn't a good example.

I can see why it's hard to have a houseguest every couple of days. My MIL is also local, and when she's over she intermeddles in every disagreement between DH and me, sides with him, and turns a conversation into a full-blown fight. She inspects our apartment for dust, dirt, and mess, and makes sure our fridge has prepared meals. She then scolds me for being a bad wife and leaves, satisfied with her hard work.
You can hate me now too.

Nice Rant-Jacking.

Sorry OP! Did not mean to do it, but I see that does it come across as "rant-jacking"