Grandma says "Mommy said no"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In contrast with PPs, I think it's well possible that she's being passive aggressive - not wanting to give rules, wanting to show them that she's fun, wanting to boost her ego by not being the mean one.

That said, the general advice of "let it go" stands, I think. Not much you can do. It's nice that she helps, and maybe I'm wrong re: the passive-aggressive impulse. You're a good mom who makes and sticks to rules, so you're winning even if you're bad cop.

That's not passive aggressive at all. It's just one grand-parenting style. We don't really have any idea of the other dynamics between OP and her MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I know it's not the worst problem in the world. Just venting. It's more work when she's here though. She doesn't enforce any rules at all and let's them go nuts and run amok. The house is a mess when she leaves and it's exhausting and disruptive. Im not anal or rigid at all, I just don't like her letting them dump Legos all over the floor and move on to something else. If she was visiting from out of town once in a while, I would be much more lenient and understanding. I just hate dealing with the fun uncle dynamic when she's a grown woman who comes over every few days. The teenage babysitters have more control and are more respectful than her.

Again, just a little venting here.

So then hire a teenage babysitter and relieve your MIL. problem solved!

[Anonymous]

She doesn't enforce any rules at all and let's them go nuts and run amok. The house is a mess when she leaves and it's exhausting and disruptive. Im not anal or rigid at all, I just don't like her letting them dump Legos all over the floor and move on to something else. If she was visiting from out of town once in a while, I would be much more lenient and understanding. I just hate dealing with the fun uncle dynamic when she's a grown woman who comes over every few days. The teenage babysitters have more control and are more respectful than her

I don't understand. If she is playing with them when you are there, just don't let them do things like dump Legos on the floor and move on without cleaning them up. Step in and say, "you guys need to clean up the legos."
If she's watching them while you are out, and you don't feel that she's doing an acceptable job, don't leave her alone with them. You could always hire the teenage babysitter instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In contrast with PPs, I think it's well possible that she's being passive aggressive - not wanting to give rules, wanting to show them that she's fun, wanting to boost her ego by not being the mean one.

That said, the general advice of "let it go" stands, I think. Not much you can do. It's nice that she helps, and maybe I'm wrong re: the passive-aggressive impulse. You're a good mom who makes and sticks to rules, so you're winning even if you're bad cop.

Nope. It's only passive aggressive when the co-parent or spouse does it. Everyone else is off the hook.

[Anonymous]

But you did, in fact, say "no" in each of those cases. Be it to her, maybe she'd let them jump and eat cookies. In contrast, she respect your rules and makes sure kids do too.

[Anonymous]

Op again. I want to clarify to all the posters saying I shouldn't complain because she is watching my kids. She's not watching them for me. She comes over because she's lonely and wants to see her grandkids and dh and me. When she comes, I'm entertaining her and making dinner for her and my family. She plays with the kids, but she's really just visiting with us. It's more like how it would be if she was in town for a visit, but she's here all the time.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is like this-- she wants to be the "fun" grandma, doesn't want to enforce rules, etc. She does live in town, but we don't see her every day. Honestly, I don't care. I enforce the rules. If we are at her place and my son makes a mess, I tell him to clean it up just like he would at home. She doesn't interfere (although she does say, "don't worry about it") so that's fine. Same in my house. I don't need her to be the rule enforcer.

Now, it's super annoying if she's over every day and has a regular babysitting role.

[Anonymous]

PP here-- If you are home when she's over then it's on you and DH to enforce the rules not grandma. I do draw the line if grandma is undermining you saying, telling your kids they don't need to clean up. In that event, I would have no problem telling them that in this house, they listen to mommy and daddy, not grandma.

[Anonymous]

Op again to clarify. She's not babysitting my kids. I am home.

[Anonymous]

Op again. I want to clarify to all the posters saying I shouldn't complain because she is watching my kids. She's not watching them for me. She comes over because she's lonely and wants to see her grandkids and dh and me. When she comes, I'm entertaining her and making dinner for her and my family. She plays with the kids, but she's really just visiting with us. It's more like how it would be if she was in town for a visit, but she's here all the time.

It sounds like there is a lot more going on between you and her than her saying "Mommy said no." It should not bother you that she attributes your rules to you. Other factors (her being there all of the time) sound legitimately irritating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again to clarify. She's not babysitting my kids. I am home.

I hate you more every time you respond. You obviously don't like your MIL. Rant about something else that she does because this isn't a good example.

[Anonymous]

This would (and does) piss me off if it were my husband, but eh, grandparents are supposed to spoil and be more lax than parents. I can't wait to be one, myself. Seems a lot more fun in the day to day bit than actual parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Op again. I want to clarify to all the posters saying I shouldn't complain because she is watching my kids. She's not watching them for me. She comes over because she's lonely and wants to see her grandkids and dh and me. When she comes, I'm entertaining her and making dinner for her and my family. She plays with the kids, but she's really just visiting with us. It's more like how it would be if she was in town for a visit, but she's here all the time.

It sounds like there is a lot more going on between you and her than her saying "Mommy said no." It should not bother you that she attributes your rules to you. Other factors (her being there all of the time) sound legitimately irritating.

Yes, this is true. I love my mil and we get along. I think I'm just getting tired of how exhausting it is when she is here. The house ends up a disaster and I'm constantly stepping in to stop the kids from doing things that she's just letting them do. And to top it all off, not only does she let them do whatever they want, she says "mommy said no" when I have to step in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again to clarify. She's not babysitting my kids. I am home.

Well, if you're at home and she's not babysitting, then it makes your MIL's responses even more valid because YOU should be looking after them. Why does she have to say ANYTHING to them if she's not watching them. Stop using her as a quasi-babysitter so you can have her around to look after your kids without giving her credit for actually doing it.

[Anonymous]

The house ends up a disaster and I'm constantly stepping in to stop the kids from doing things that she's just letting them do. And to top it all off, not only does she let them do whatever they want, she says "mommy said no" when I have to step in.

A few things here. I understand that you don't like her being over all of the time, and that may be legitimate. But I think you are operating under the assumption that she should be disciplining the kids, and that is not a role that she seems like she intends to fill, or that she is obligated to. Yes, it would be nice if she did so since she is there all of the time, but that's not necessarily part of the grandparent role. Take charge and don't let the kids make your house a disaster, whether or not she is there visiting.