do you worry about your in laws moving close or in with you one day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

And on the last visit, it was all my MIL talked about. Buying a condo right down the street from us and spending 6 months of the year there when she retires shortly.

This would be a disaster for my mental health, my marriage, and a bunch of other things. I am terrified it will come to fruition and they will demand all my H's time and he will give it becuase he has never learned to set appropriate boundaries. They will expect to be over all the time, eating me out of house and home, breaking things, and making messes in my house. They will not respect our need to have family time. I will have to take up chain smoking and become an alcoholic.

Our current relationshipt only "works" because the above only happens 2-3 weeks a year because of distance. Given my MIL lived within 30 miles of her parents and yet saw them once a month max and complained bitterly about it and FIL saw his family less than once a year after he left home, I cannot understand at all why they think this invasion into our lives is ok.

Exactly. When mil visits here or we visit her it's the same mo every time. She reverts into a helpless person who can't do anything for herself. Lists of to do items. Lists of errands. And the thought of her cooking a meal- unthinkable. Either we have to cook for her or she demands specific restaurant. It's just go go go high maintenance with no regard to us working full time, and no respect for others' personal time or space. It's her world and everyone is just living in it.

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing she's just excited about grand kids. Talk to your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing she's just excited about grand kids. Talk to your husband.

But not excited to do anything besides look at them freshly bathed and from a distance. She doesn't hold kids, doesn't do diapers baths or feeding and certainly won't assist with anything with home upkeep. Having her here for extended visits will be like having another child, minus the cuteness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to your husband and get on the same page. Don't badmouth his mother, but paint a realistic picture about how all of you will end up miserable if she ever lives with you. Show that you mean well. Keep in mind that there are a lot of cultural variations in this area.

If your husband sees your side, then the two of you have to find some stock responses to his mom's comments, to show her that her scenario isn't going to happen. She may just be testing the waters, or she may actually expect to move in with you. If your husband doesn't agree with you, then you have some work to do there first.

My MIL has tried to move in with us, by force, and continues to try. I am unfailingly kind and polite with her, but she has no boundaries, so I have to set them all. She will never live with us as long as I'm in the picture. It would make us all miserable and destroy our family. My husband and I have talked many times about the reality of things versus what would be "nice" and culturally ideal, and he appears to understand how it has to be.

I love this. Obviously I know you meant it a bit less literally than the image in my head, but I'm imagining Grandma storming the castle, using a catapult to send her luggage over the walls.

[Anonymous]

You're not far off from the reality.

[Anonymous]

op here- how do i have this talk with my dh without making it sound like im badmouthing her? if he were to ask the reasons why, don't those reasons sound like badmouthing?

[Anonymous]

I wish they could. But my In Laws and my parents are supportive and wonderful.

[Anonymous]

My parents are deceased

My husbands parents no, not moving in ever.

They have property in 2 states, both of them are narcissistic and gossip and start fights.
Our kids are 17 and 20 so I don't need a babysitter.
I don't like FIL or MIL and nothing would change that. They were verbally abusive parents and I don't welcome that in my home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No because BEFORE we married, I told dh that no parents will ever live with us.

+1

I will divorce before they will ever live with us.

I agree. This is an absolute deal breaker for me. HELL TO THE NO.

[Anonymous]

I really, really do. That's about 15% why we haven't had a kid yet. I'm pretty sure MIL would move right in, or right next door, or as close as possible the second she knows a grand kid is on the way. She's sweet, but we have a four hour buffer right now. I love my four hour buffer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really, really do. That's about 15% why we haven't had a kid yet. I'm pretty sure MIL would move right in, or right next door, or as close as possible the second she knows a grand kid is on the way. She's sweet, but we have a four hour buffer right now. I love my four hour buffer.

Op here- how are you going to push back and handle this? What does dh say?

[Anonymous]

I will never allow my MIL to live here. Right now she is blocked from DH and my phones for harassing us with nasty psycho text messages and blasting us on her facebook with several posts (then she blocked us from her FB so we returned the favor).

As for DH's father, he can live with us. He's easy to have around in our 800 sq ft place, so I am imagining when we move up it will be even better. He cooks too, he plays with DD, and he is very neat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will never allow my MIL to live here. Right now she is blocked from DH and my phones for harassing us with nasty psycho text messages and blasting us on her facebook with several posts (then she blocked us from her FB so we returned the favor).

As for DH's father, he can live with us. He's easy to have around in our 800 sq ft place, so I am imagining when we move up it will be even better. He cooks too, he plays with DD, and he is very neat.

But the FIL doesnt live here yet - just visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really, really do. That's about 15% why we haven't had a kid yet. I'm pretty sure MIL would move right in, or right next door, or as close as possible the second she knows a grand kid is on the way. She's sweet, but we have a four hour buffer right now. I love my four hour buffer.

Please, do not allow other people to influence whether you have kids. You dont want any regrets. You should read a book about boundaries, maybe codependency. Practice saying "no." NOOOOOOOOOOO. it's ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op here- how do i have this talk with my dh without making it sound like im badmouthing her? if he were to ask the reasons why, don't those reasons sound like badmouthing?

No. You should both get on the same page, if possible, before the possibility becomes an imminent reality. Seriously, write your playbook now in the event she asks later. Tell him how you feel. You can throw in there that you think it would be bad for your marriage, and that's the foremost reason.