When you realize you shouldn't have had kids, what do you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here- My Boss hired me and now works 60+ hrs a week to avoid coming home. I'm paid extremely well and I've been with the family 8 years. I think we all understand what's going on, and she's doing the best she can- By hiring someone else to essentially do the work and she can be with the kids an hour a day (if that) or on weekends. I respect my Boss for doing the best she can. She told me kids aren't her thing.

This is really sad. I understand and agree that the mom is probably doing the best she can. It's still very sad, though.

Well her "best" is pretty pathetic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend adopted a child in this situation.

Therapy first (and lots of it). Then, maybe consider adoption as one of your options. I feel it's better for a child to grow up in a loving home instead of one where the child is resented, hated, possibly neglected. Hopefully, OP, you can work through this no matter what the outcome is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here- My Boss hired me and now works 60+ hrs a week to avoid coming home. I'm paid extremely well and I've been with the family 8 years. I think we all understand what's going on, and she's doing the best she can- By hiring someone else to essentially do the work and she can be with the kids an hour a day (if that) or on weekends. I respect my Boss for doing the best she can. She told me kids aren't her thing.

+1. This was my mom. It's ok, you are doing the best you can. Some people weren't meant to raise kids and everyone is better off doing what you are good at. At least my mom did not shirk her responsibility to her kids...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here- My Boss hired me and now works 60+ hrs a week to avoid coming home. I'm paid extremely well and I've been with the family 8 years. I think we all understand what's going on, and she's doing the best she can- By hiring someone else to essentially do the work and she can be with the kids an hour a day (if that) or on weekends. I respect my Boss for doing the best she can. She told me kids aren't her thing.

This is really sad. I understand and agree that the mom is probably doing the best she can. It's still very sad, though.

Well her "best" is pretty pathetic

It's better than leaving.

[Anonymous]

Also realize that some people are awesome with babies and horrible with tweens. Some are good with teens but suck with kids. You might relate better to her when she is older and can talk with you, discuss politics, play tennis, etc. I am in no way minimizing what you're going through now, but I think other PPs have made good suggestions. But I once had a lightbulb moment when a friend validated my frustrations and asked me why I thought I'd love every stage of parenthood. She herself hated little kids but thought of adopting a teenager. We all have different strengths. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

People are suggesting adoption, but what about the kid's father? I can't imagine he too hates being a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is almost 2. I love her a lot. She is amazing, but is high need. I am sure I should have never had kids. I ruined what could have been a nice life by having a kid. I thought I was a considerate and caring person, but I give up. When you realize you shouldn't have had kids, what do you do? Do you leave your kid with your spouse and go it alone? Do you stay here and be a shitty mom? What do you do?

You such it up, put on your big girl pants, get some help and grow up.

How about she does that, but only if you stop being a turd to people in obvious need of assistance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got a REALLY good nanny.

This is what shifty parents do, OP. You sound better than this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here- My Boss hired me and now works 60+ hrs a week to avoid coming home. I'm paid extremely well and I've been with the family 8 years. I think we all understand what's going on, and she's doing the best she can- By hiring someone else to essentially do the work and she can be with the kids an hour a day (if that) or on weekends. I respect my Boss for doing the best she can. She told me kids aren't her thing.

Doing nothing is her best? I have no respect for either of you. She is an unfit mother because she has abrogated responsibility. Disgusting. Their father, or someone who actually loves them, should step up and get them away from this selfish woman who is a mother in name only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here- My Boss hired me and now works 60+ hrs a week to avoid coming home. I'm paid extremely well and I've been with the family 8 years. I think we all understand what's going on, and she's doing the best she can- By hiring someone else to essentially do the work and she can be with the kids an hour a day (if that) or on weekends. I respect my Boss for doing the best she can. She told me kids aren't her thing.

Doing nothing is her best? I have no respect for either of you. She is an unfit mother because she has abrogated responsibility. Disgusting. Their father, or someone who actually loves them, should step up and get them away from this selfish woman who is a mother in name only.

Why don't you respect the nanny? She's probably their only strong female role model.

[Anonymous]

get help, OP.

I wouldn't write off therapy if I were you - a therapist friend told me that it takes most people an average of 6 tries to find a therapist who is both qualified and a good fit, and usually at least a couple of sessions with each of those. she recommended extensive research into methods to improve your odds of finding someone you like and otherwise relying on word-of-mouth from others in the field(ie, NOT other patients). Counselors can't magically "fix" your problems, but they're trained in helping work through emotional issues and make difficult decisions. You sound paralyzed and depressed to me. Moreover, I think it would be difficult to tell family something like "I shouldn't have had my child." And its hard to ensure that statements like that NEVER get back to your child; but you still need a forum in which you can say them.

But if that's really not an option for you, there are other kinds of help - childcare, parenting classes, support from family and friends. You have options beyond "sucking it up and being unhappy" OR abandoning your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say I am an adult and I made a bad decision and now I am going to live with the results because this isn't just about me. And then you focus on becoming a better parent.

+1


This exactly.

You don't walk away. You don't do a shitty job. You work on improving yourself and you get help (therapist) so you can do a good job for this little person you created and have 100% responsibility for.

Yes, this. You are an adult and you have to step up. What makes your child "high need?" If you are like me, the infant stage was fun and insanely easy, but once they are mobile and begin to assert independence, it gets WAY harder. I never felt that I shouldn't have had my kid, but when the going got tough I did a year of therapy, read a lot of books, and eventually found my way to being a better mom. Now I love being a mom again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is almost 2. I love her a lot. She is amazing, but is high need. I am sure I should have never had kids. I ruined what could have been a nice life by having a kid. I thought I was a considerate and caring person, but I give up. When you realize you shouldn't have had kids, what do you do? Do you leave your kid with your spouse and go it alone? Do you stay here and be a shitty mom? What do you do?

My mom has flat out said she did not have kids to enjoy them when they were little, but instead knew she would enjoy them much later (like teenager+). And she was still a fantastic mother because she did the best she could during those super difficult years, which is where you're at now, OP. You don't have to be loving every moment of the baby stage, toddler stage, grade school age, to be a good parent, but you do have to try your best because you've made this tremendous commitment. How many jobs do we have in life that we don't love but we still have to try to do them well? I'd say many in my life. I think once you change your perspective from thinking you 'ruined what could have been your nice life' to instead looking at it like you have a challenging job that is hard as well but is also more rewarding than any role you will ever have. It's boot camp now. You'll get through it and probably love the years ahead much more.

[Anonymous]

A few questions

1) how long have you felt this way
2) when did you start feeling this way
3) do you feel more this way after certain triggers

I almost posted this thread a few weeks ago, down to the high-needs child and the divorce implication. But for me it was really a temporary thing resulting from a very difficult phase, and exacerbated by being in vile places like here, where certain asshats imply that you shouldn't have had kids if you want to work outside the home, get a full night's sleep, or have anything going on in your life other than your kids. You are probably a much better parent than you think you are, even if you hate your life right now. If you really do love your daughter and it sounds like you do - you understand that she would be heartbroken if you ever left her. Ride this out and if you have to, ban yourself from triggers including this place if it is one. In the meantime, engage in as much self care as possible (whatever you can afford and helps you feel better - hobbies can be great) with no guilt.

[Anonymous]

I understand, OP. I wouldn't say that I regret having my son - I love him, and have many happy times with him, and enjoy the person he is becoming - but I know now, after having been a parent for 8 years, that my happiest times by far were when I was not responsible for another person. I am not nurturing by nature, and I find the grind of parenting exhausting. It takes absolutely every ounce of my energy every day to be an OK parent, and I give it because I know I have to, but it leaves me feeling like a shell of a person. Sometimes I look ahead and feel overwhelmed by the fact that I have another 10 years before he's out of the house. But then I think, well, life is long, 80 years or so if you are lucky, and the time you spend with hands-on parenting is not that much in comparison. You do the best you can, remind yourself that your child is a valuable and important person who's not responsible for your deficiencies in this area, do your duty, and appreciate the days when it doesn't feel quite so much like work.