When you realize you shouldn't have had kids, what do you do?

[Anonymous]

Don't make the mistake of comparing your insides to other people's outsides OP. The hard parts of parenting is something most people never talk about irl. When you look at all the happy, shiny pictures of families on FB, just remember that you post them too. And you know how you feel.

I would bet that a lot of people struggle with it, especially considering how modern parenting has changed in recent decades. Expectations are a lot higher than they used to be, support is a lot lower, and that combination creates pressure, stress, and frustration. Just do the best you can. Every day is a new day to begin again with better intentions.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry you are feeling like a bad mom. Please remember that this is a very tough age and just because you are not enjoying your child right now, doesn't mean you should not have had her. She is here, and she will grow up to be a person. To her, you are the best thing ever.

When you are going through a tough time raising your child, you feel like this is your life, for the rest of your life. But it is really just a tiny chunk of time that believe it or not, you will miss one day. Kids grow and change so quickly, she will not be 2 forever. You will have better times, a life, time to rest, do something you enjoy... But when that time comes, you will enjoy it more knowing that you did your best, and were there for your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is almost 2. I love her a lot. She is amazing, but is high need. I am sure I should have never had kids. I ruined what could have been a nice life by having a kid. I thought I was a considerate and caring person, but I give up. When you realize you shouldn't have had kids, what do you do? Do you leave your kid with your spouse and go it alone? Do you stay here and be a shitty mom? What do you do?

1. You get help: therapy, nanny, husbands, grand-parents, PEP classes, friends, some time on your own ....
to help to be a better parent and be sure that your girl gets a lot of love/attention

2. You work on a sense of your life: therapy, nanny, friends, time on your own ... I'll get flame for this but as much as I love my 3 kids to pieces, I refuse to be only only a mother, I am also a wife, an academic, a runner, ... even if the kids tend to swallow most of my time and attention (they are young) they are not all I have and I need for my sanity to remind myself that I am not just a mom. They are like leeches, they would suck me alive if they could (the baby literally) ... and I don't think that it is old for them nor me to disappear into them.

You don't talk about your husband, your job,.... anything else that you love. You may not have not much time for it now but it will come back soon.

3. You remind yourself that a 2 yo is not a 5 yo or a 12 yo .... many people don't like the baby phase but love the kid phase.

4. there is no rewind: the kid is there so step up rather than leave her with an abandonment issue

5. it will pass quickly: in ten years she won't want to talk to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stay and try to get help.

Go to a therapist. Immediately.

Bad advice here.

How can a therapist make someone want to be a parent? No trained + educational professional can wave a magic wand and instantly convince someone that they want to parent a child. Fairy Dust only exists in Fairy Tales.

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. After two yrs. of age, I am sure to realize this it must be truly heart-wrenching.

My best advice to you right now would be to talk to your family, starting w/your spouse. If your parents are still alive and involved in your life, I would let them know how you feel as well.

This is a very important family matter that needs to be addressed within the family.

Good luck.

I get the feeling you've never been in therapy (or at least, good therapy). Op, do consider this. I've walked in your shoes and therapy helped me immensely.

[Anonymous]

Get tubal ligation (i.e. tubes tied so you don't have more).

[Anonymous]

I'm with you, OP. I feel like this is the one big mistake you can make in life that can never be undone, and you really can't know how you will feel about having children until after it's too late. My philosophy is to fake it until you make it. I did the following:
- accept my reality that I am a parent for life and there's no way I'm getting out of the situation, so I need to do the best I can with it. That took some time after being depressed about the situation for awhile.
- got my tubes tied.
- gave up on the idea of staying home (after a year of trying it), realizing we are all better off if I'm working.
- throw money at the problem by hiring the best possible help and signing my kid up to do lots of fun things to compensate. Also being out and about with my kid makes it easier for me.
- never speak of it to any one - no one knows I feel this way and I feel like the worst thing that could ever happen is that it would get back to my child.
- realize that it's getting better and I'm enjoying it more as my child gets older.
- don't allow myself to feel guilty about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you, OP. I feel like this is the one big mistake you can make in life that can never be undone, and you really can't know how you will feel about having children until after it's too late. My philosophy is to fake it until you make it. I did the following:
- accept my reality that I am a parent for life and there's no way I'm getting out of the situation, so I need to do the best I can with it. That took some time after being depressed about the situation for awhile.
- got my tubes tied.
- gave up on the idea of staying home (after a year of trying it), realizing we are all better off if I'm working.
- throw money at the problem by hiring the best possible help and signing my kid up to do lots of fun things to compensate. Also being out and about with my kid makes it easier for me.
- never speak of it to any one - no one knows I feel this way and I feel like the worst thing that could ever happen is that it would get back to my child.
- realize that it's getting better and I'm enjoying it more as my child gets older.
- don't allow myself to feel guilty about it.

OP here. I <3 you and all the other pp's who get it.

Therapy is not an answer for us. I have tried half a dozen times and come up with morons. It is rare that you connect with someone who can actually help you, as I have discovered. Waste of money for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get tubal ligation (i.e. tubes tied so you don't have more).

This. Use birth control and back up birth control every.single.time. If you think one is hard, don't ever put yourself at risk of having a second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get tubal ligation (i.e. tubes tied so you don't have more).

This. Use birth control and back up birth control every.single.time. If you think one is hard, don't ever put yourself at risk of having a second.

+ million. Having one didn't feel hard to me, but the 2nd child added 100% more stress. I never go the groove back
Recently, I read that if our child is well feed then that is something to celebrate! Don't be too hard on yourself and just being there earns 50%-80% (can't remember exactly...but it was at least 50%).

[Anonymous]

Give the child to a family that wants it. There are TONS of desperate couples who want children and would give your child the life it deserves!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here- My Boss hired me and now works 60+ hrs a week to avoid coming home. I'm paid extremely well and I've been with the family 8 years. I think we all understand what's going on, and she's doing the best she can- By hiring someone else to essentially do the work and she can be with the kids an hour a day (if that) or on weekends. I respect my Boss for doing the best she can. She told me kids aren't her thing.

This is really sad. I understand and agree that the mom is probably doing the best she can. It's still very sad, though.

[Anonymous]

My friend adopted a child in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Sympathy to you OP. It is hard. It is even harder to admit this on an anonymous forum, let alone to someone in real life.

What I'd do in your shoes:

1. If you have the means, get some help at home. Monthly/weekly maid service, nanny, peapod grocery delivery service.

2. Talk to your spouse. If he isn't stepping up, let him know shit is getting real and he needs to.

3. Find a therapist, preferably one who specializes in motherhood and all the various issues that come with it. I suggest Dr. Beyers, but I'm sure you can find some others.

4. Make some adjustments to your life so you have some "me" time. Hire a babysitter once a week. Have your husband wake up with DD on one of the weekend days so you can sleep in. Make a deal where you and DH each get 1 night off per week to do whatever you want while the other watches DD.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with a lot of what's being said here, but I'll throw in my two cents as a single mom with no money to throw at things:

Establish routines. Seriously. I love my DD (she just turned 5) and feel my life is 10 times better with her than without her, but the day-to-day grind of parenting often gets to me. So I've tried to sort of automate it as much as possible. I have a series of activities that I consider the 'parenting minimum' that I do regardless. As long as I get these things done, I feel like I'm an ok parent:

-- Sit down and eat at least one meal with DD, which is usually dinner since we often do breakfast in the car. After dinner is bath, reading, bedtime 8:30, no exceptions.During this time she gets my undivided attention. This is pretty much all I can fit in during the week as I'm a working mom. I need an hour or two of downtime before I go to bed, and DD needs 10 hours of sleep at least.

-- On weekends we do breakfast, are dressed and out of the house by 9:30. The day includes one activity for her, usually in the mornings -- playdate, a team sport she's signed up for, library, museum or other activity. Then errands. Then home, where I clean/cook and she either plays or 'helps' me, followed by the evening routine, which is basically the same as during the week except we also play a game of some sort -- board game, pretend play, coloring, etc. Sunday morning is church, which has a kid's playground and where a few friends from her school also attend, so it's kind of a built-in playdate, followed by the same schedule as Saturday. Again, bedtime is 8:30. Sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day is knowing that I'll get that break at 8:30.

The other secret weapon I have is something many parents approve of, but I discovered a way to make it work for me: most days DD gets no TV and no juice boxes/sugar. I know this is considered just the right thing to do by most folks, but I readily admit that, having no funds for babysitters, etc, if I feel like I'm totally losing it and can't take another minute, I pull out a movie and a juicebox for DD and go into another room to grab some time for myself. I also do the same whenever we're on a plane -- everyone thinks DD is just so angelic when we're traveling!

I've made this schedule/series of doing things pretty much non-negotiable for myself as a parent. No excuses. I don't think about it, I just do it. It's relieving because I'm not always thinking about what I don't want to do as a parent, and the only wild card in it DD's weekend activities. I sometimes switch around the timing of an activity on weekends, i.e. run errands in the morning so DD can attend an afternoon birthday party, but I pretty much know what's coming, there are no surprises. It's like exercise -- you might hate it, but if you just make it a habit you do it without thinking, and eventually you get to like it, or at least feel really weird if you don't do it.

HTH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You hire a lot of child care and do the best you can. Or, you talk to your spouse and find out what will happen if you leave.

Whatever you do, you need to be a responsible adult and not just disappear.

And get your tubes tied.