Is a typical college campus really a safe place to put your 17 or 18 year old kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever a typical campus is... I feel very confident that my child will thrive at whatever school he gets to attend. No worries.

Good for you that your kid is a boy.

I have a boy (and a girl). I worry plenty. "Thriving" in academics has zero to do with something slipped in a drink, an underage girl saying she's 19, you own kids' poor choices. I give my kids the typical talk/warnings and off they go. But yes I worry.

How do you imagine they'll deal with drinking, and stay safe?

[Anonymous]

I'm gong to offer up a really sensitve issue. I know rape is rape. Is every unwanted sexual advance, a form of rape - I'm not syaing it's not - I'm just wonding about the contours of the debate. It's not an issue I follow. I asked my very attractive by western standards wife last night if she was ever sexually harassed in college and she said no. But that was 20 years ago. I wonder if she was going to college now if her answer would be different because behavior has changed for the worse or people have a better sense of what is inapprpriate behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm gong to offer up a really sensitve issue. I know rape is rape. Is every unwanted sexual advance, a form of rape - I'm not syaing it's not - I'm just wonding about the contours of the debate. It's not an issue I follow. I asked my very attractive by western standards wife last night if she was ever sexually harassed in college and she said no. But that was 20 years ago. I wonder if she was going to college now if her answer would be different because behavior has changed for the worse or people have a better sense of what is inapprpriate behavior.

Behavior has changed for the worse. More absentee parents. Who has time to bother with kids' bad behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever a typical campus is... I feel very confident that my child will thrive at whatever school he gets to attend. No worries.

Good for you that your kid is a boy.

I have a boy (and a girl). I worry plenty. "Thriving" in academics has zero to do with something slipped in a drink, an underage girl saying she's 19, you own kids' poor choices. I give my kids the typical talk/warnings and off they go. But yes I worry.

How do you imagine they'll deal with drinking, and stay safe?

Anyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever a typical campus is... I feel very confident that my child will thrive at whatever school he gets to attend. No worries.

Good for you that your kid is a boy.

I have a boy (and a girl). I worry plenty. "Thriving" in academics has zero to do with something slipped in a drink, an underage girl saying she's 19, you own kids' poor choices. I give my kids the typical talk/warnings and off they go. But yes I worry.

How do you imagine they'll deal with drinking, and stay safe?

Anyone?

My DD recently graduated from a SLAC that received the national spotlight after a female student's rape story was published in the NY Times. Admin aggressively changed the school's rape policy likely a result of this girl's story.

To be honest, I never expected that our DD would do a lot of social drinking in college but maybe she did. As a parent you have no control over what your kid is doing at college. And, you'll drive yourself nuts trying to imagine what they may or may not be doing. During junior year, DD shared with us stories of passed out drunk girls, kids vomiting all over the place, I was terrified. I asked her if she drank and she said yes, just glad she was an athlete who trained year round.

Talking doesn't seem to do much good, they perceive it as blah, blah, blah. They feel free, mommy and daddy's not around, they're in college and want to be cool and have fun. My DD did say that once the school started having frequent workshops on date rape and alcohol abuse, it opened up dialogue within the student body.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, if your child is a normal 17 or 18 year old, he or she will have friends who do care whether he or she makes it back to the dorm, stops eating, etc.

My friends in college took better care of me than my mother ever did.

+1. My DD had a minor mental health crisis at school and it was her friends that were the first line of crisis management.

Trust me....a college campus is almost the PERFECT place for kid to transition from childhood to adulthood.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how many folks here actually have kids in college - I have 3.

Of course I worry about them. But honestly, my kids attended of lot of parties in 11th and 12th grade and were very aware of the alcohol culture of that age group. 2 of the 3 attend a school that does not have Greeks so they do not have that pressure. We gave our kids age-appropriate independence and we communicated with them constantly. And we have been lucky!

Try as you might, you will NEVER find an environment for your kid that is totally safe because no such place exists. What you can do is communicate with them about the risks associated with certain behavior and actions and hope that they get it. There is no instruction manual. What you should NOT do is shelter your kid so much that a little freedom turns them crazy. Because I have seen that too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I never heard of a male who had sex with a female against his will. Anyone else?


Yes. People use to also think that men could not be victims of domestic violence.

Girls think everybody wants to have sex with their nastiness... not true.

I'm sorry. Please explain how a girl can force herself on a guy.

Anyone?

Yes it has happen to me. Some women are very aggressive. One came to my dorm room and jumped in to my bed when I was sleeping. I did not like her, was not interested in her and wanted nothing to do with her, but there she was pulling my boxers down and rubbing all over me. If the roles had been reserves what would you think of the male? Others would try to get you alone at parties, kiss you and grab your junk etc. If you say no, they do not care. If you don't sleep with them, something was wrong with you and they would go after you verbally. A lot of times it's just easier to go a long with it. I think many time they were egged on by their girlfriends.

[Anonymous]

Of 284 U.S. high school and college students who responded to a survey about unwanted sexual encounters, 18 percent reported sexual coercion by physical force; 31 percent said they were verbally coerced; 26 percent described unwanted seduction by sexual behaviors; and 7 percent said they were compelled after being given alcohol or drugs, according to the study. Half of the students said they ended up having intercourse, 10 percent reported an attempt to have intercourse and 40 percent said the result was kissing or fondling...

To differentiate sexual coercion from possible incidents of child abuse, the survey instructed students not to include experiences with family members. Examples of coercion included “My partner threatened to stop seeing me” for verbal; “My partner encouraged me to drink alcohol and then took advantage of me” for substance; “My partner threatened to use or did use a weapon” for physical; and “My partner has tried to interest me by sexually touching but I was not interested” for seduction. For additional information, researchers also asked participants to describe in writing a time they felt sexually coerced. The participants also responded to several commonly used psychological assessments to measure their psychological functioning, distress and risky behaviors.
The findings revealed a need for more scientific study of the thin line between sexual seduction and sexual coercion, the authors wrote. “While not typically addressed in sexual violence research, unwanted seduction was a particularly pervasive form of sexual coercion in this study, as well as peer pressure and a victim’s own sense of an obligation. Seduction was a particularly salient and potentially unique form of coercion for teenage boys and young men when compared to their female counterparts.” French said.

http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2014/03/coerced-sex.aspx

https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/men-a0035915.pdf

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many folks here actually have kids in college - I have 3.

Of course I worry about them. But honestly, my kids attended of lot of parties in 11th and 12th grade and were very aware of the alcohol culture of that age group. 2 of the 3 attend a school that does not have Greeks so they do not have that pressure. We gave our kids age-appropriate independence and we communicated with them constantly. And we have been lucky!

Try as you might, you will NEVER find an environment for your kid that is totally safe because no such place exists. What you can do is communicate with them about the risks associated with certain behavior and actions and hope that they get it. There is no instruction manual. What you should NOT do is shelter your kid so much that a little freedom turns them crazy. Because I have seen that too.

My DD attended lots of parties in 11th & 12th grade also. However, several of her peers who attended the same parties with her during high school entered college with alcohol and drug abuse problems that became progressively worse during freshmen year of college. Eventually, they either dropped out of school or took a year off to go to rehab.

Communication is great if they listen to you, but it just isn't going to be that thing that will keep all kids safe. Since my DD was a little girl we've talked about alcohol and drugs and that some family members are alcoholics and drug addicts and that she should be careful. However, that didn't stop her from drinking socially, under the age of 21 at college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many folks here actually have kids in college - I have 3.

Of course I worry about them. But honestly, my kids attended of lot of parties in 11th and 12th grade and were very aware of the alcohol culture of that age group. 2 of the 3 attend a school that does not have Greeks so they do not have that pressure. We gave our kids age-appropriate independence and we communicated with them constantly. And we have been lucky!

Try as you might, you will NEVER find an environment for your kid that is totally safe because no such place exists. What you can do is communicate with them about the risks associated with certain behavior and actions and hope that they get it. There is no instruction manual. What you should NOT do is shelter your kid so much that a little freedom turns them crazy. Because I have seen that too.

My DD attended lots of parties in 11th & 12th grade also. However, several of her peers who attended the same parties with her during high school entered college with alcohol and drug abuse problems that became progressively worse during freshmen year of college. Eventually, they either dropped out of school or took a year off to go to rehab.

Communication is great if they listen to you, but it just isn't going to be that thing that will keep all kids safe. Since my DD was a little girl we've talked about alcohol and drugs and that some family members are alcoholics and drug addicts and that she should be careful. However, that didn't stop her from drinking socially, under the age of 21 at college.

So I assume your daughter did not go down the same bad road? Do you know why she was able to socially drink and not get carried away? My DD also has been to parties where there is drinking (she is in HS). Unfortunately, the last time, she was the only one of the group who went overboard (drank way too much, got way too sick). So now I wonder if she will be one of the ones who cannot handle social drinking in college. Yes, it was just one bad experience, but she hasn't been to any parties since to see how they go (we haven't let her). Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many folks here actually have kids in college - I have 3.

Of course I worry about them. But honestly, my kids attended of lot of parties in 11th and 12th grade and were very aware of the alcohol culture of that age group. 2 of the 3 attend a school that does not have Greeks so they do not have that pressure. We gave our kids age-appropriate independence and we communicated with them constantly. And we have been lucky!

Try as you might, you will NEVER find an environment for your kid that is totally safe because no such place exists. What you can do is communicate with them about the risks associated with certain behavior and actions and hope that they get it. There is no instruction manual. What you should NOT do is shelter your kid so much that a little freedom turns them crazy. Because I have seen that too.

My DD attended lots of parties in 11th & 12th grade also. However, several of her peers who attended the same parties with her during high school entered college with alcohol and drug abuse problems that became progressively worse during freshmen year of college. Eventually, they either dropped out of school or took a year off to go to rehab.

Communication is great if they listen to you, but it just isn't going to be that thing that will keep all kids safe. Since my DD was a little girl we've talked about alcohol and drugs and that some family members are alcoholics and drug addicts and that she should be careful. However, that didn't stop her from drinking socially, under the age of 21 at college.

So I assume your daughter did not go down the same bad road? Do you know why she was able to socially drink and not get carried away? My DD also has been to parties where there is drinking (she is in HS). Unfortunately, the last time, she was the only one of the group who went overboard (drank way too much, got way too sick). So now I wonder if she will be one of the ones who cannot handle social drinking in college. Yes, it was just one bad experience, but she hasn't been to any parties since to see how they go (we haven't let her). Any advice?

I really think it was a combo of things: early morning sport practice and that she's cautious by nature, knows when to throw her off/enough switch. During a high school party, she watched a friend pass out in the ladies room and then get rushed to the emergency room. I think the image of her friend with vomit all over herself and unresponsive stuck with her.

[Anonymous]

They are not safe if they are drunk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many folks here actually have kids in college - I have 3.

Of course I worry about them. But honestly, my kids attended of lot of parties in 11th and 12th grade and were very aware of the alcohol culture of that age group. 2 of the 3 attend a school that does not have Greeks so they do not have that pressure. We gave our kids age-appropriate independence and we communicated with them constantly. And we have been lucky!

Try as you might, you will NEVER find an environment for your kid that is totally safe because no such place exists. What you can do is communicate with them about the risks associated with certain behavior and actions and hope that they get it. There is no instruction manual. What you should NOT do is shelter your kid so much that a little freedom turns them crazy. Because I have seen that too.

My DD attended lots of parties in 11th & 12th grade also. However, several of her peers who attended the same parties with her during high school entered college with alcohol and drug abuse problems that became progressively worse during freshmen year of college. Eventually, they either dropped out of school or took a year off to go to rehab.

Communication is great if they listen to you, but it just isn't going to be that thing that will keep all kids safe. Since my DD was a little girl we've talked about alcohol and drugs and that some family members are alcoholics and drug addicts and that she should be careful. However, that didn't stop her from drinking socially, under the age of 21 at college.

So I assume your daughter did not go down the same bad road? Do you know why she was able to socially drink and not get carried away? My DD also has been to parties where there is drinking (she is in HS). Unfortunately, the last time, she was the only one of the group who went overboard (drank way too much, got way too sick). So now I wonder if she will be one of the ones who cannot handle social drinking in college. Yes, it was just one bad experience, but she hasn't been to any parties since to see how they go (we haven't let her). Any advice?

I really think it was a combo of things: early morning sport practice and that she's cautious by nature, knows when to throw her off/enough switch. During a high school party, she watched a friend pass out in the ladies room and then get rushed to the emergency room. I think the image of her friend with vomit all over herself and unresponsive stuck with her.

Where did that experience happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many folks here actually have kids in college - I have 3.

Of course I worry about them. But honestly, my kids attended of lot of parties in 11th and 12th grade and were very aware of the alcohol culture of that age group. 2 of the 3 attend a school that does not have Greeks so they do not have that pressure. We gave our kids age-appropriate independence and we communicated with them constantly. And we have been lucky!

Try as you might, you will NEVER find an environment for your kid that is totally safe because no such place exists. What you can do is communicate with them about the risks associated with certain behavior and actions and hope that they get it. There is no instruction manual. What you should NOT do is shelter your kid so much that a little freedom turns them crazy. Because I have seen that too.

My DD attended lots of parties in 11th & 12th grade also. However, several of her peers who attended the same parties with her during high school entered college with alcohol and drug abuse problems that became progressively worse during freshmen year of college. Eventually, they either dropped out of school or took a year off to go to rehab.

Communication is great if they listen to you, but it just isn't going to be that thing that will keep all kids safe. Since my DD was a little girl we've talked about alcohol and drugs and that some family members are alcoholics and drug addicts and that she should be careful. However, that didn't stop her from drinking socially, under the age of 21 at college.

So I assume your daughter did not go down the same bad road? Do you know why she was able to socially drink and not get carried away? My DD also has been to parties where there is drinking (she is in HS). Unfortunately, the last time, she was the only one of the group who went overboard (drank way too much, got way too sick). So now I wonder if she will be one of the ones who cannot handle social drinking in college. Yes, it was just one bad experience, but she hasn't been to any parties since to see how they go (we haven't let her). Any advice?

I really think it was a combo of things: early morning sport practice and that she's cautious by nature, knows when to throw her off/enough switch. During a high school party, she watched a friend pass out in the ladies room and then get rushed to the emergency room. I think the image of her friend with vomit all over herself and unresponsive stuck with her.

Where did that experience happen?

High school after dance party at a student's house, metro area.