How to perform a room search

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A cautionary tale... Years ago I searched my 17yo DDs room for what I suspected was pot. I didn't find any. DD was furious with me.
The next night after coming home from work I went into my room and was mortified to find my sex toys and porn VHS tapes had been dumped on my pillow.
I never searched her room again.

Wow. What a horrible child. The level of entitlement involved in that is staggering to me. I would have a really hard time having her in my home after she turned 18 if she did that.

Agree with second poster. That's hilarious but, totally unacceptable. YOUR house. YOUR rules. Your porn. Even if you smoked pot, if your rule is she can't, then she can't. She can decide for herself when she is 18.

Poster whose kid dumped your toys, what is your relationship like now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two teenagers. Never searched their rooms. Both in college now.

Not mine either. But I feel for the parents who would need to. I wonder if an off duty police officer or addiction counselor could be hired to do this.

You must be a parent of toddlers.

Important Info: The cops are not your friends. If they find a crumb of weed your child's entire future can be destroyed. Ruined. No driver's license, no student loans, expelled from school, kicked out of whatever.

Further, inviting strangers into your home to do the parenting is going to have very negative results. The OP wants to establish (or re-inforce) parental authority. Calling in the narcs is counter-productive to that goal.

Although I do have many LE friends (LOL), the sentiment expressed by this PP is correct. Do NOT bring in the police or law enforcement unless you are prepared for your child to face legal consequences. They HAVE to do their job - whether on duty or off duty! Look at it this way, if the cops find something, your child could be arrested depending on the jurisdiction. Do you really think that having your kid arrested and wrung through the system for a bag of weed is going to bring them back in line? At the point, your relationship with them will be over. If you as a parent ever have cause to search a room, do it yourself and with the child present.

For an attitude problem, I think searching the room IS extreme absent signs that drugs are causing the change in attitude. OP is basically saying "We are searing your room because we are the parents and we can." It is a power play and that will not play out well.

[Anonymous]

Hi, I wrote what the immediate poster above quoted. Thank you for your validation!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A cautionary tale... Years ago I searched my 17yo DDs room for what I suspected was pot. I didn't find any. DD was furious with me.
The next night after coming home from work I went into my room and was mortified to find my sex toys and porn VHS tapes had been dumped on my pillow.
I never searched her room again.

Wow. What a horrible child. The level of entitlement involved in that is staggering to me. I would have a really hard time having her in my home after she turned 18 if she did that.

Agree with second poster. That's hilarious but, totally unacceptable. YOUR house. YOUR rules. Your porn. Even if you smoked pot, if your rule is she can't, then she can't. She can decide for herself when she is 18.

Poster whose kid dumped your toys, what is your relationship like now?

A PP who is the parent of 4 teens. See...I see this differently. I do not think what the PP's DD did was even about rules and it turns out that the DD was following them - the PP did not find any weed. What the DD objected to was the room search, having her room tossed like an inmate's cell and her mom's lack of trust. It was more of a "let's see how you like it" type thing. I am sorry but being falsely accused of something is no fun and having your belongings rummaged through is no fun either. Add to that this not a a 12YO - this is a 17YO. Absent other evidence, I would NOT call this child an entitled brat or a horrible child. And trust me, you would not have to worry about that kid hanging around after 18. She will want to be out as soon as she could get out.

I ge that there are no instruction manuals for parenthood and it is trial and error the whole way. I have made my sahre of mistakes both by being too restrictive and too lax at times. It is a delicate balance that we do not always achieve. But a teen's room is their sanctuary. If you have probable cause to search it for something harmful - you should do it. But please do not search it willy nilly. It IS a big deal!

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do it without good reason. But the kid that dumps my vibrators is in some serious trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You still don't want to have a relationship with your parents? Did they abuse you? Hit you? Deny you food? Deny you love? No, they invaded your privacy because they CARED about you.

Parents aren't perfect. Your mom must have been very worried about you. If they didn't love you they wouldn't have cared WHAT you did.

And what did you do? You manipulated them into paying for your college and then dumped them. Wow.

Give her a break. Give her a call. Go see her. Forgive them.

PP didn't even mention a room search, although perhaps that happened. All she says is that she wasn't "towing the line" before the last two years of high school. Then she realized she had to "tow the line" the last two years of high school if she wanted to get her parents to give her many thousands of dollars.

Not sure what "tow the line" means but presumably it means no drugs, alcohol, and basic family rules like doing chores and being respectful. Only if there was something else going on (like you said, beatings, extreme coldness) would I have any sympathy at all for that PP.

To answer the question - "towing the line" meant doing what she wanted, when she wanted, in the manner she wanted. She felt she knew best on topics such as what I should study, what I should do with my time outside of class and who I should have as friends. No discussion. No choice. The there were room searches (looking for contraband that didn't exist) and monitoring of telephone calls. She wanted total control, I wanted freedom. The result was that it ruined whatever relationship we once had.

PPs seem to be thinking that she was doing what she felt was best for me, as the recipient, I can tell you that I lived my teenage years with a bully that would not relent and I could not escape.

Just because someone can give birth doesn't mean she can't also be a bully.

The original poster stated she wanted to conduct a room search not because she believed her son's health is at risk but to assert her authority.

I thought I would share my story because there are some lines that cannot be uncrossed and there are some actions that cannot be undone.

[Anonymous]

I believe one actually "toes" the line. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toe_the_line

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You still don't want to have a relationship with your parents? Did they abuse you? Hit you? Deny you food? Deny you love? No, they invaded your privacy because they CARED about you.

Parents aren't perfect. Your mom must have been very worried about you. If they didn't love you they wouldn't have cared WHAT you did.

And what did you do? You manipulated them into paying for your college and then dumped them. Wow.

Give her a break. Give her a call. Go see her. Forgive them.

PP didn't even mention a room search, although perhaps that happened. All she says is that she wasn't "towing the line" before the last two years of high school. Then she realized she had to "tow the line" the last two years of high school if she wanted to get her parents to give her many thousands of dollars.

Not sure what "tow the line" means but presumably it means no drugs, alcohol, and basic family rules like doing chores and being respectful. Only if there was something else going on (like you said, beatings, extreme coldness) would I have any sympathy at all for that PP.

To answer the question - "towing the line" meant doing what she wanted, when she wanted, in the manner she wanted. She felt she knew best on topics such as what I should study, what I should do with my time outside of class and who I should have as friends. No discussion. No choice. The there were room searches (looking for contraband that didn't exist) and monitoring of telephone calls. She wanted total control, I wanted freedom. The result was that it ruined whatever relationship we once had.

PPs seem to be thinking that she was doing what she felt was best for me, as the recipient, I can tell you that I lived my teenage years with a bully that would not relent and I could not escape.

Just because someone can give birth doesn't mean she can't also be a bully.

The original poster stated she wanted to conduct a room search not because she believed her son's health is at risk but to assert her authority.

I thought I would share my story because there are some lines that cannot be uncrossed and there are some actions that cannot be undone.

And some parents are just CRAPPY and it's healthier not to have a relationship with them. Take note, y'all. Good for you, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe one actually "toes" the line. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toe_the_line

Learned something new!

[Anonymous]

I would only search a room if I felt I needed to because I had good reason to look for something, like if I thought my kid was using drugs or in some other type of trouble. Violating that privacy to just to show authority will just undermine your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
To answer the question - "towing the line" meant doing what she wanted, when she wanted, in the manner she wanted. She felt she knew best on topics such as what I should study, what I should do with my time outside of class and who I should have as friends. No discussion. No choice. The there were room searches (looking for contraband that didn't exist) and monitoring of telephone calls. She wanted total control, I wanted freedom. The result was that it ruined whatever relationship we once had.

PPs seem to be thinking that she was doing what she felt was best for me, as the recipient, I can tell you that I lived my teenage years with a bully that would not relent and I could not escape.

Just because someone can give birth doesn't mean she can't also be a bully.

The original poster stated she wanted to conduct a room search not because she believed her son's health is at risk but to assert her authority.

I thought I would share my story because there are some lines that cannot be uncrossed and there are some actions that cannot be undone.

I agree that some parents are horrible and need to be shunned. But PP still hasn't made a convincing case that she doesn't share part of the blame. Did PP give probable cause, like coming home drunk or wasted one or more times? Was PP gabbling about majoring in creative writing, Mom said she wouldn't pay, so "toeing the line" meant PP had to study something practical instead? Who knows.