How to perform a room search

[Anonymous]

were is he asserting that authority over you?

I would have a sit down conversation during a calm(ish) time and reiterate the expectations that you have of him as a member of the family. Respect being one of them. Ask for his input but not in a negotiating way but wanting to hear from him his perspective on his behavior. Maybe he has an explanation of something going on in his life that explains some of his attitude and you need to start with we need to understand what is going on with you...before you lay down the hammer. Assuming nothing traumatic or stressful is behind it, then make it clear what you do for him as part of the family (drives, laundry, new clothes, money for x,y,z) and how those are done expecting he will do his part in return. If he doesn't, those things stop.

Also as part of your asserting your authority - avoid the arguments. Make your expectations clear, the consequences for his choices clear and stick with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two teenagers. Never searched their rooms. Both in college now.

Not mine either. But I feel for the parents who would need to. I wonder if an off duty police officer or addiction counselor could be hired to do this.

OP said there were no drug worries. Only attitude problems. Sheesh, what a weird way to address an attitude problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Thanks. This is helpful. I am not looking for anything in particular, but we have been having attitude issues and I want to make it very clear to my teen that if he chooses to act in a particular way, his rights to privacy and trust are demolished. It is less about actually finding things, and more asserting inserting our authority as parents that unfortunately, has gone by the wayside in the past few months.

I'm that poster back again - glad you found my post helpful. That being said, your reply raises a few questions in my mind as I would not generally advocate the approach I posted in anything less than a situation where you have an actual suspicion that the teen is on drugs, engaging in behavior that could hurt himself or others, or breaking the law. I'm not really one to try to micromanage others' parenting, so you can feel free to ignore the rest of my post if you like. But, would you be open to considering other approaches to dealing with the attitude problem that stop short of something this drastic?

Doing something like this might honestly ruin your teen's trust in you and hamper your loving relationship for years or possibly forever. In a drugs/alcohol/crime type situation, I would say the parental duty to protect the child makes it worth the risk, but I hesitate to make the same assessment for something you describe as attitude issues and loss of appropriate respect for parental authority.

To be clear, I consider myself a very strict parent so a bad attitude, lack of respect for authority, and insubordination would never fly in my house and I'm absolutely not advocating you let that slide. If you decide the room search route is right for your family, that is entirely your business and I completely respect that as your choice, but I just wanted to mention a few possible alternatives because I hope to help you avoid any possible regrets if the method I suggested turns out to be too harsh for the situation.

Have you sat your teen down and had a very serious talk laying down the law - sort of an "I've been seeing X Y and Z disrespectful behaviors, and that doesn't work in this family; let me reiterate our expectations" type chat? How was that received? Does grounding work? For pervasive attitude and defiance, we would probably go with room restriction where the kid is either at school/doing homework, eating a family meal or doing a family activity, doing (extra) chores, or in her very boring room which had been emptied of all electronics.

Is your child involved in a sport, an extra-curricular activity, or a faith community? If this bad attitude has been cropping up outside the home (or even if it hasn't) could a respected adult mentor from an activity like that have a chat with him to serve as sort of a wake up call? Would you consider having him get involved in community service/volunteering? Perhaps something like that would serve as its own kind of wake up call to knock the attitude off towards the people who've made his life of relative comfort possible.

I agree with all of this very smart and thoughtful post. Grounding, room restriction, and loss of privileges seem more appropriate to bad attitude than trying to dominate and humiliate him by tearing his room apart. I also agree with another PP that this could damage your relations for years. I can completely understand how angry and impotent you both must feel right now, but the punishment should fit the crime. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Possibly if its an attitude/behavior/disrespect thing could you try to stop doing the extras you do for him? Like stop paying for cell phone car insurance, doing his laundry?? If he treating you bad then why go out of your way for him?

[Anonymous]

A cautionary tale... Years ago I searched my 17yo DDs room for what I suspected was pot. I didn't find any. DD was furious with me.
The next night after coming home from work I went into my room and was mortified to find my sex toys and porn VHS tapes had been dumped on my pillow.
I never searched her room again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A cautionary tale... Years ago I searched my 17yo DDs room for what I suspected was pot. I didn't find any. DD was furious with me.
The next night after coming home from work I went into my room and was mortified to find my sex toys and porn VHS tapes had been dumped on my pillow.
I never searched her room again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Okay, how else to we make it crystal clear to our son that WE are the parents and he is the child? He apparently cannot remember that fact.

We unfortunately had to regularly search our teen's room when he became involved in drugs. Clean now but had some bad years. I absolutely would not search as a power play, but only if you have something specific you are searching for.

I know you're working under anonymity but can you give us some examples of what's going on? Agree with others to sit down and reiterate expectations. Have you generally been more permissive parents or more authoritarian? I.e. has he been taking advantage of your good nature or now rebelling against a "I'm the parent, you're the child" form of household rules. Sit down and talk. Hear some of his thoughts and construct a set of household rules that are acceptable. This does not mean you give in on red-line issues for you but find those areas that might not be as life or death.

Identify appropriate consequences. Things related to money and/or electronics and/or social time are usually big ones for teens.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old is your DS? And what are the conflicts over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Okay, how else to we make it crystal clear to our son that WE are the parents and he is the child? He apparently cannot remember that fact.

PEP parenting class on parenting teens. Seriously. I had authoritarian parents. Coming down harsh isn't the way to build or maintain a mutually respectful parent-child relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A cautionary tale... Years ago I searched my 17yo DDs room for what I suspected was pot. I didn't find any. DD was furious with me.
The next night after coming home from work I went into my room and was mortified to find my sex toys and porn VHS tapes had been dumped on my pillow.
I never searched her room again.

You've got an awesome daughter! Lol!

Seriously though. This should be a cautionary tale to parents. There are times you must violate your child's inherent right to privacy. But it is a violation. Especially for a near-adult. So it will cause upheaval. Think carefully before you do it. Illegal or injurious activity to self or others may require it. But violating privacy (and what's really being violated is trust and respect for your kid) is a potentially relationship-altering move, and not always in a good way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Thanks. This is helpful. I am not looking for anything in particular, but we have been having attitude issues and I want to make it very clear to my teen that if he chooses to act in a particular way, his rights to privacy and trust are demolished. It is less about actually finding things, and more asserting inserting our authority as parents that unfortunately, has gone by the wayside in the past few months.

I'm that poster back again - glad you found my post helpful. That being said, your reply raises a few questions in my mind as I would not generally advocate the approach I posted in anything less than a situation where you have an actual suspicion that the teen is on drugs, engaging in behavior that could hurt himself or others, or breaking the law. I'm not really one to try to micromanage others' parenting, so you can feel free to ignore the rest of my post if you like. But, would you be open to considering other approaches to dealing with the attitude problem that stop short of something this drastic?

Doing something like this might honestly ruin your teen's trust in you and hamper your loving relationship for years or possibly forever. In a drugs/alcohol/crime type situation, I would say the parental duty to protect the child makes it worth the risk, but I hesitate to make the same assessment for something you describe as attitude issues and loss of appropriate respect for parental authority.

To be clear, I consider myself a very strict parent so a bad attitude, lack of respect for authority, and insubordination would never fly in my house and I'm absolutely not advocating you let that slide. If you decide the room search route is right for your family, that is entirely your business and I completely respect that as your choice, but I just wanted to mention a few possible alternatives because I hope to help you avoid any possible regrets if the method I suggested turns out to be too harsh for the situation.

Have you sat your teen down and had a very serious talk laying down the law - sort of an "I've been seeing X Y and Z disrespectful behaviors, and that doesn't work in this family; let me reiterate our expectations" type chat? How was that received? Does grounding work? For pervasive attitude and defiance, we would probably go with room restriction where the kid is either at school/doing homework, eating a family meal or doing a family activity, doing (extra) chores, or in her very boring room which had been emptied of all electronics.

Is your child involved in a sport, an extra-curricular activity, or a faith community? If this bad attitude has been cropping up outside the home (or even if it hasn't) could a respected adult mentor from an activity like that have a chat with him to serve as sort of a wake up call? Would you consider having him get involved in community service/volunteering? Perhaps something like that would serve as its own kind of wake up call to knock the attitude off towards the people who've made his life of relative comfort possible.

I like your kick-ass parenting skills. Lots of thought. Very impressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Okay, how else to we make it crystal clear to our son that WE are the parents and he is the child? He apparently cannot remember that fact.

He is a minor, but will soon enough be an adult. You need to gradually let your relationship transition to a peer relationship. Respect begets respect. Kindness begets kindness. Authoritarian parenting doesn't work with teens (arguable whether or not it works at all; see http://www.bostonglobe.com/lifestyle/health-wellness/2013/11/11/authoritarian-parenting-parenting-with-authority/u1Zpjnbs2N1OpyY909XIaJ/story.html). Your job as a parent is to guide him to adulthood so that he can thrive without you. That requires increasing degrees of independence and responsibility.

Is he being disrespectful and rude? Is this a sudden change in behavior, or a gradual drift? If it is a sudden change, consider drug abuse as a cause. Or a mental illness. I think a gradual drift is more likely to be a symptom of adolescence.

IMHO, I think you need to sit down as a family (after you and your spouse have discussed and are on the same page) and talk about the environment you would prefer in your home. Kind and respectful. Talk about the things you do for one another to support that. Talk about what your DS can do to support that family dynamic. Talk about the social contract. Discuss and agree upon consequences for breaking that social contract. Think about what privileges can be earned or taken away (driving, electronics, privacy, etc).

Consider his nutrition and sleep habits. If either of them are lacking (and they generally are with teens), that could be a contributing factor. A factor that he is mostly in charge of addressing.

[Anonymous]

Older teens should be increasingly allowed to make decisions, even those you disagree with. "Because I said so" doesn't work. The result is either that they never develop the capacity for independent decision making or they just do whatever the hell they like and don't tell you. By being too authoritarian you take yourself out of the conversation. They won't come to you about a problem or a difficult situation. You won't know what they're doing. Teens will make mistakes, bad decisions. Thats how they learn. Of course there are limits. I draw the line at safety. But if you use "Because I'm your parent" to enforce everything from bedtime to homework to drinking, it won't mean anything for anything.

[Anonymous]

In case anyone is looking for drug search ideas on this thread here are two: check the insides of shoes and check all books to make sure the inside hasn't been hollowed out for a hiding place.

Agree with no room searches without cause. I got into the business when I went into teen's room to empty waste paper basket for trash day and the drugs were in plain view.

[Anonymous]

Send his ass to boot camp.