Back me up on being the mean, mean mommy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I won't back you up. Clearly your daughter needs some better habits regarding her room, and possibly has some emotional problems and a tendency to hoarding. Demanding that she immediately clean up then punishing her was not really a productive way to address these long-term problems.

The selective reading is amazing ! The OP did not demand she immediately clean, she gave her an hour, and then offered to even help her.

[Anonymous]

Do you have her clean her room regularly, or just let it build up until it's overwhelmingly awful every few months? My mom did that, and I had no organizational skills at all and executive functioning issues, and then would expect me to do hours worth of work so I could still do a pre-scheduled activity seemingly on a whim. I never knew when she was going to say "this all has to be picked up or you can't do xyz", and I would sit for hours in my room reading instead of cleaning because I was so overwhelmed. By the time I was eleven or twelve, I would just say "well then I guess I'm just not going to [activity] because I had so little confidence in how to go about picking up a room that seemed like a colossal task. My mom would always offer to help when I seemed really frustrated, but she would nitpick every move I made as being the wrong way to go about it, which made me feel like a total failure.

It took me until I moved out to figure out how to keep a room together on my own, by following a system one of my friends uses (pick up all clothes one day, all trash the next, books the third day, etc.---one focus every day keeps things tidy.

[Anonymous]

Do you really think you can discipline away mental health issues like hoarding? Unbelievable. The kid needs help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you really think you can discipline away mental health issues like hoarding? Unbelievable. The kid needs help.

Actually, "unbelievable" are the number of PPs on this thread who seem to be actively trolling and reading poorly intentionally. God help you if this was your take away from what OP wrote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of assumptions are bring made. A really messy room means different things to different people. I doubt the room was at hoarder-status. I'm hoping the op will come back with more details.

I'm the OP. She IS a hoarder, absolutely. She wants to keep everything. She can LITERALLY pick up garbage off the sidewalk (my rule is she is not to pick up anything other than money) and when I say "drop it or throw it out" she will immediately become frenetic and say "But I need it - it's important to me, I was going to use it for an art project!" and go on and on getting higher and higher pitched, producing fake tears, etc. She really does not need a test from four months ago.

She's got tons of shelving and containers and boxes - too much of it, IMO. Unfortunately, I am not the SAH parent or one of the ones who gets her all this stuff. She has way too much - we are not saving things to do future projects or collages. She simply has way too much stuff. DH is a huge part of the problem. We've had many talks/fights about it.

OP - get this kid to a therapist, ASAP.

[Anonymous]

I don't know OP, but it sounds to me like you set her up to fail. The task was clearly overwhelming to her and it seems that you knew it. Then you tied something she wanted to do to her success. So, right from the get go, she was doomed. No wonder she didn't try.

As an aside, I agree with those who say you need to re-look at how you are dealing with her room. How did it get to the point where it was overwhelming for her? I know with my ADHD son, if he is looking for something, he can destroy his room in five minutes and then it can take the two of us three or more hours to put it back together. But, my son has a disability. With most kids, it takes time to get to the point of total chaos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you really think you can discipline away mental health issues like hoarding? Unbelievable. The kid needs help.

Actually, "unbelievable" are the number of PPs on this thread who seem to be actively trolling and reading poorly intentionally. God help you if this was your take away from what OP wrote.

OP reports that the child picks up TRASH off the STREET and doesn't want to part with it. That is indicative of a problem.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am one of the folks who called out hoarding before you did. Hoarding is a mental illness in and of itself. If your daughter wants to keep trash, can't throw things away, cries at the thought (and I doubt those tears are fake)...that's classic hoarding behavior. She's facing a condition that she can't handle on her own.

There's one really good book in the popular literature by one of the few researchers of hoarding, and it has a chapter on hoarding in children: http://www.amazon.com/Stuff-Compulsive-Hoarding-Meaning-Things/dp/0547422555

And the Behavior Therapy Center of Greater Washington treats hoarders, including children: http://behaviortherapycenter.com

I've been going to the Center myself not because I suffer from hoarding, but because I have a relative who does who hit a crisis point this winter. We can't make him get treatment, but you're a parent. You have authority right now. Hoarders don't tend to seek treatment because they deny that they have any kind of problem. That's part of the illness.

You have one good window of time to help your daughter, and that time is now. Something's up with her...hoarding, ADHD, anxiety, some combination...find out what it is and get her treatment before it gets worse, before she's a struggling young adult, while the only relationship it's really hurting is with her parents.

This isn't a discipline problem, it's a mental health problem, and you can't discipline away mental health issues. I've seen where hoarding can take a person, and it's heart-breaking. It's worth checking out your daughter's mental health to see what you can do.

Good luck, and I'm sorry this is hitting your family.

[Anonymous]

SO TYPICAL PP - the kid won't do as she's asked so let's put her "on the spectrum", diagnose something and make it an emotional issue. I have three kids around that age and they hate tidying their rooms. They go up there and do anything but. Unless there's a deadline or a consequence. And yes they like keeping junk. Rubbish even. If I was OP, I'd go into the room when the kid is at school, ditch all the junk and rubbish and then draw up a list of everything she needs to do on a Sunday morning to tidy going forward. It works wonders and you don't need to shell out for useless therapy for something that almost ALL kids do. Jeeze people. Get a grip.

OP you did exactly right. Your daughter is as normal as every single child of that age I've ever met.

[Anonymous]

^^ totally in agreement with this. My 11 yo has learned to keep the room in relatively good shape or I go in with a trash bag and an unsentimental eye. Just make sure there is a place for her to actually out things away (shelves, bins, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you really think you can discipline away mental health issues like hoarding? Unbelievable. The kid needs help.

Actually, "unbelievable" are the number of PPs on this thread who seem to be actively trolling and reading poorly intentionally. God help you if this was your take away from what OP wrote.

OP reports that the child picks up TRASH off the STREET and doesn't want to part with it. That is indicative of a problem.

My kids do that all the time. I have dd's who are 6 and 8. They love picking up leaves, rocks, pony tail clips, barrettes. Also, after they get done with a soda or meal, they often want to keep that trash too. It drives me crazy. I deal with it by cleaning when they are not around and throwing a lot of stuff away.

My older dd has ADHD, and she sounds similar to OP's dd. I definitely could see that same behavior happen in my daughter. I agree that OP's dd was set up to fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way it would take 3 hours to clean one room unless ut was hoarder style, roach infested disgusting...in which case that would be your negligence. So, the 3 hours was too much. Also, did she know what she was supposed to be doing? Did she have a plan? The fact that her room was in that bad of a state makes me think you don't hold her accountable for a regular cleaning routine.

I wish you were right about this. However, it does take more than three hours to clean/organize a kid's room (going through all drawers and closet) to really sort and organize and get rid of STUFF.

[Anonymous]

I used to be like your daughter. I wanted to keep literally everything, and yes, it could take me 3+ hours to clean my room. And it was overwhelming and I didnt know where to start, so my mom did have to help me, but she would have done the same thing as you (if I insisted on starting on my own and then did nothing bc I didnt know what to do, I should have asked for help). I am still really bad at throwing things out and I hate it. Wish I had learned when I was younger. Anyway, I think you did the right thing even if she is mad.

[Anonymous]

I am 16:44. Having been like your daughter, going in and throwing all of her stuff out without her like PPs have said I think is a really bad idea. You need to do it together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is she?

11. I found a math test from December and wanted to throw it out. She was crying she wants to keep it because it's good. The problem is she wants to keep EVERYTHING. There is literally no carpet space without crap on it. She wants to keep a Hello Kitty wrapper because she likes the picture. She wants to keep the Build-a-Bear box (the bear does not live in it) because she likes the box. And on and on.

Holy cow. That's my daughter. Last summer I found a huge stash of wrapping paper she squirreled away after opening x-mas gifts. She was keeping it under her bed. She saves EVERYTHING. Everything is sentimental. I go in while she's out and trash things left and right. She does not need every single homework paper from third grade.