Please kill my fantasy so I can let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me sad. When did everyone become so OCD? Or are the respondents just self-selecting that way? I'm not saying their house isn't gross, just that you can bring your own sheets and suck it up for a few days for the sake of being a kind and decent person.

Have you ever been in a disgustingly dirty house? Sound like No.

If your kids feet were black on the bottom and their clothes covered in threads, crumbs and old Christmas tinsel after playing on the floor - like kids do - at Grandmas house you'd think differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. As odd as it sounds, I just don't think the filth registered with my husband until I pointed it out in detail. It was just how his house was and then he lived in a fraternity house and with a series of roommates who were likely no cleaner. He has risen to the occasion at our house, but only because it's important to me -- I don't think he cares one way or the other. Now, if something happened to one if the kids at his parents' house he would be crushed, but, of course, no one wants it to go that far. Plus, there's an underlying defensiveness because his folks are not well to do and I think (reading between the lines) that he thinks I'm being a snob. I don't think there's a correlation between socioeconomic status and cleanliness, but that's what he seems to be hearing.

I've been there and it's hard. While I completely see your point, I think it would offend the in-laws beyond belief and I don't think the cleaning crew idea beforehand would work. This is what we did when we were in a similar situation a couple of years ago (and this works if your kids are young, but harder if they are older). I clean as soon as I get there. I pretend to "nap" and then I get to cleaning the bedroom/bathroom. The day we leave, I arrange for a cleaning crew, because "Little Johnny is so messy when he eats, and I can't possibly leave them with all of that mess, and I didn't want to take away from our time together by cleaning." (My kids are actually really neat, and we always clean up after ourselves, but this is a good way of getting in a cleaning crew to do a deep clean at least once a year.) We get recommendations from neighbors and speak with the crew ahead of time.

We also buy them sheets/towels as a thank you for their hospitality. Last year, I bought one set and showed it to them, and said that I found them on super sale (again, trying to avoid the snob issue), and that I though they were a perfect match for their guest room. I said that if they liked them, I would go and buy a second set to match (there are twin beds in the guest room). They liked them, I ran to target, got a second set, and washed them and put them on the beds to help out. With or without a cleaning service, I also strip the beds and wash the sheets after I leave. Now that might not help you next year, but it gives you peace of mind for this year.

Our child now has relatively severe allergies, and we now do have a true excuse not to stay with people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It's just easier to say, "Oh we have hotel points/vouchers that we HAVE to use…"

I've never thought of that one…so clever…they are expiring…you can check to see if there is say, a Marriott close nearby. Assuming there is, you say to them, "We have Marriott miles that are expiring, is there a Marriott nearby so we can use our points?" "why yes, dearie, just up the road on Market street!" "Oh great! We'll do that because we can't WASTE our points…"
(usually people who hoard or don't clean or don't throw out food don't like to waste either, so they'll understand that angle)

LOVE this one.

To the MIL who allegedly has 3 slob daughters in law - you can suck it. You raised 3 slob boys who expect their wives to clean up after them? Really? You're funny!

OP, I too thought I had written this and somehow forgotten. We go on "vacation" every year with MIL because we try to do the right thing and it is important to her. Boy, do those clothes, sheets, etc. get scrubbed when they get home. I should consider burning them!

[Anonymous]

Why on earth does everyone tiptoe around people who have such low standards of hygiene and refuse to admit that their homes are filthy? All these stories on how to make it like you have to use a voucher or some such thing?!

Just say this is unacceptable and I refuse to sleep here - deal with the consequences.
Why is this so hard?

[Anonymous]

We were at my MIL's house - she's truly lovely and I like to spend time with her..but even with my BIL living there, the vacuum had not been run in months. I just did my best to pry crap out of my crawling little one's hands...yucko.

for the PP - it's not "so hard" - some of us are just trying to be polite and keep the peace...that's all. no conspiracy or decline of the human spirit, just kindness and gentleness...

[Anonymous]

A few years ago my husband, our 2 year old and I stayed at his cousin's place in France. It was by no means filthy, but it was dusty, the kitchen smelled (I eventually realized it was all the French cheese, LOL), the bathroom was dirty, etc. It was only for a few days, so I literally didn't take a shower except for a quick rinse one night - I would wipe DD and myself down with baby wipes. The bathroom just grossed me out, and it was the first time I actually smacked DD's hand because she kept trying to touch to toilet seat.

On the 3rd day, another cousin (the first one's sister) also came to visit. My feelings were validated because she immediately started cleaning. This being her brother's place she had no issues telling him it was dirty Once she started cleaning, everyone pitched in and we were all able to enjoy ourselves a little more after that. I was so glad to go back to my sister's place (another stop in our trip) and take a super long, hot shower

I think the gift of a cleaning service might be a workable idea, but it has to come from your husband and be more subtle, i.e. start it way in advance, as opposed to just before you arrive I also like the idea of sheets etc. as gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth does everyone tiptoe around people who have such low standards of hygiene and refuse to admit that their homes are filthy? All these stories on how to make it like you have to use a voucher or some such thing?!

Just say this is unacceptable and I refuse to sleep here - deal with the consequences.
Why is this so hard?

Ouch! You would really say that to family? I don't think this is a "doormat" situation -- I think people are genuinely trying to avoid hurting people's feelings.

[Anonymous]

Drop cheetos on the carpet, so that you have an excuse to vacuum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth does everyone tiptoe around people who have such low standards of hygiene and refuse to admit that their homes are filthy? All these stories on how to make it like you have to use a voucher or some such thing?!

Just say this is unacceptable and I refuse to sleep here - deal with the consequences.
Why is this so hard?

Ouch! You would really say that to family? I don't think this is a "doormat" situation -- I think people are genuinely trying to avoid hurting people's feelings.

Who better to hear it from than family? Sometimes people need to hear a truth that hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth does everyone tiptoe around people who have such low standards of hygiene and refuse to admit that their homes are filthy? All these stories on how to make it like you have to use a voucher or some such thing?!

Just say this is unacceptable and I refuse to sleep here - deal with the consequences.
Why is this so hard?

Ouch! You would really say that to family? I don't think this is a "doormat" situation -- I think people are genuinely trying to avoid hurting people's feelings.

+1
My ILs house isn't quite this bad, but its a very country house, lots of animals in and out, etc. For me, I hate it. But I would hate the idea of hurting my DH and them more.

[Anonymous]

We usually stay in hotels when we visit family. They all live in comfortable homes, but I don't want to see them just before bed and first thing in the morning.

George Washington constantly had house guests. He only saw them for dinner and a glass of port after dinner.

I love my family as much as anyone, but even when I travel to visit with them, I don't want to be with them 24 hours a day.

[Anonymous]

My father's house is the dirtiest I've ever seen. He lives with three dogs, and there is hair everywhere. Much of the carpet is worn down in spots so that the black backing is showing through. There constantly are piles of dirty dishes in the kitchen. Over the years, I've seen cockroaches, ants and mice. It's cluttered with junk. I used to stay the night there to be polite and would hate every second of it. I took my husband for a visit early in our relationship, and he said he would never stay there if we ever had kids. We have two now, and we haven't been back. My dad asks us to visit all the time and I know is hurt that we won't come because he wants to show his grandkids off around town. (He lives in a very rural area and the closest motel is an hour away, and he would be even more crushed if we came and chose to stay there.) I'm not going to tell him to clean up -- he's an old man who loves nothing more than his dogs and is fine with his house just the way it is. So we just pay to fly him up to stay with us instead.

[Anonymous]

I stay with my grandma for a couple of weeks a year. I have no trouble cleaning and I don't even ask. She used to be immaculate, but her eye sight has gone down significantly and doesn't see that her pots aren't clean or bathrooms. This is a different situation because my grandma is old, but I'd have no trouble cleaning up anyone's house I stay in.

[Anonymous]

My youngest son brought his soon to be wife to visit over Thanksgiving. This is the first time she has stayed with us. She is wonderful caring person and he loves her very much. But....she is not a very clean guest. Big gobs of toothpaste in the sink. Wet towels on the floor, dirty underwear (with a tread mark) in the open bathroom trashcan - hair everywhere. She doesn't offer to help in the kitchen, clear the table, and I am on crutches right now. It was SO GROSS. But, he loves her, so we will just have to grin and bear it.

[Anonymous]

One time I was visiting my dad over 4th of July, and we were talking about what to have for lunch. He kindly offered me some potato salad in the frig. My sister piped up and said, Dad is that the same potato salad we had on Memorial Day. He looked sheepish. Yikes, after that, I just brought food myself and cooked for him. He liked that arrangement just fine. I haven't been able to stay with him for years because I have asthma, and he smokes, and his house is dusty. We rent a house and cook dinner every night for the family, and they come over to our rental house to visit. It is bizarre to me that we have to do it, but it works for us.