When you married you husband, did you sense that he could cheat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say, and I do not mean to brag, but the amount of anxiety people on this board have about their sex life, infidelity, possibility of divorce, and troubled relationships really astounds me.

I know that I am not immune from any of it -- don't get me wrong. I also know that my husband is not perfect, and that the relationship is not perfect. Anybody can cheat -- you have to make a decision as to whether you are going to trust him or not. If you do, you do. If you don't, you don't.

I do not worry about my husband cheating. I seriously, seriously doubt that my husband ever thought "the best pussy is new pussy". Because that just isn't the way my husband thinks. We have regular, spontaneous, enjoyable sex. When we start building resentments, we work through them.

Love should not be this hard.

Well, the people who DO have this anxiety are the ones responding to the threads about it, or voicing their discomfort. Perhaps another topic "How many people are blissfully/securely married" would also elicit many responses.

Love should not be this hard, but alas it often is. That's why there's so many songs about broken hearts, didja ever notice that? And it's why there are so many divorces. And even in the marriages that stay together, people on the outside have NO IDEA what is going on behind closed doors. I am surprised anyone could claim to be "astounded" when we all hear about the stats on marriage every day.

I wish it was only anxiety. Unfortunately it is going to be a crushing divorce. I didn't choose this, but it happened to me.

Your post didn't mean to brag; did it mean to be mean?

[Anonymous]

Oh honey. It's not LOVE that is hard, it is trying to maintain a healthy relationship in the face of sometimes crushing stressors of everyday life. Finances, children, illness, careers, exhaustion, putting your needs behind the needs of your family's, taking care of elderly parents. You name it. My DH and I do love each other, but it is sometimes incredibly hard to wade through the all the crap, big and small, and find each other. Damn, we are just trying to stay afloat these days.

Glad you are blissfully happy, and maybe if we didn't have the financial strains etc that we are facing, we could be blissfully happy too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Lack of education, the more education a man has, the less likely he is to cheat. A famous hooker once said that she could make no money at a physics conference.
Low income, sadly, men with lower incomes are at greater risk.

I've heard the exact opposite. The more education, the more powerful the job, the higher the income, the more likely a man is to cheat. They have the time, money, and power to cheat.

My experience, as a partner at a big law firm, is that many of my partners, while smart, were never thought of as attractive by women. Now that their competition is balding and fattening, at the same time their incomes and power grows -- well, it's almost a Perfect Storm of sorts -- they become more attractive to us, realize it, and often succumb to temptation, if not jump in with reckless abandon.

I'll say it once, and even if you disagree, please spend a moment thinking about it -- DO NOT TRUST YOUR HUSBANDS. THEY ALL WILL CHEAT IF GIVEN THE RIGHT OPPORTUNITY.

[Anonymous]

I have to disagree with the mentality of "this happened to me." I will admit that I have seen some doozies happen to some of my friends who never saw it coming, and I do not think ANYONE deserves to be cheated on, but having the attitude that life is happening to you will only mean you will repeat your mistakes, right? I don't think anyone can single-handedly save a relationship, but both parties contribute to its demise, whether in not seeing it coming, denial, pettiness, anger, resentment, etc. All the stumbling blocks to good communication. I take responsibility for my hard marriage everyday, and when it is working, that is NOT luck either. Everyone has got to own it....good or bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT TRUST YOUR HUSBANDS. THEY ALL WILL CHEAT IF GIVEN THE RIGHT OPPORTUNITY.

I am not sure your first point follows on from your second. It is like saying that everyone could be driven to commit murder given the right set of circumstances. It may be true, but it is not necessarily the best way to live your life. Nor is constant suspicion necessarily the best way to keep your partner faithful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say, and I do not mean to brag, but the amount of anxiety people on this board have about their sex life, infidelity, possibility of divorce, and troubled relationships really astounds me.

I know that I am not immune from any of it -- don't get me wrong. I also know that my husband is not perfect, and that the relationship is not perfect. Anybody can cheat -- you have to make a decision as to whether you are going to trust him or not. If you do, you do. If you don't, you don't.

I do not worry about my husband cheating. I seriously, seriously doubt that my husband ever thought "the best pussy is new pussy". Because that just isn't the way my husband thinks. We have regular, spontaneous, enjoyable sex. When we start building resentments, we work through them.

Love should not be this hard.

how long have you been married? under 3 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say, and I do not mean to brag, but the amount of anxiety people on this board have about their sex life, infidelity, possibility of divorce, and troubled relationships really astounds me.

I know that I am not immune from any of it -- don't get me wrong. I also know that my husband is not perfect, and that the relationship is not perfect. Anybody can cheat -- you have to make a decision as to whether you are going to trust him or not. If you do, you do. If you don't, you don't.

I do not worry about my husband cheating. I seriously, seriously doubt that my husband ever thought "the best pussy is new pussy". Because that just isn't the way my husband thinks. We have regular, spontaneous, enjoyable sex. When we start building resentments, we work through them.

Love should not be this hard.

It's great that you obviously have the recipe for the perfect relationship but there are many of us who don't. Conservative statistics show that something like 65-70% of men and 35-40% of women cheat This means that many of us have or will face this problem. Many have been caught out by burying their heads in the sand saying this will never happen to me. I really hope it never happens to you and that your trust in your husband remains untested. However to belittle what to the majority is a very real problem is not on.

[Anonymous]

I've been married for 5 years. And no, it was not my intention to be mean. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone.

We have financial issues. We have issues with elderly parents. We have career stresses. Children stresses. Exhaustion. It's no paradise over here. There is no question in my mind that we were happier with each other and closer to each other before we had children. And, I think that children are, in a way, the biggest trigger for the financial stresses -- even the career stresses. If I didn't have kids I would have quit my job for something else a long time ago. But I don't want to take the risk of something going wrong when things are, well, not so bad at this job (if not so interesting or high-paying). We worry about our children and there's that stress, and sometimes a couple disagrees about how to handle a child and that causes tension. I respect couple who decide not to have children and do not think that they are somehow selfish or do not know real love.

But we try to keep in mind that as the kids get older, things will get somewhat easier. There's still laughter and an understanding that these stressors are not each other's fault. Life is hard. But like I said -- while I don't think it is bad not to have kids -- having had them, you do what you have to do. The last thing I want to do right now is have an affair. For one thing, there's just no time for that. And I think my husband feels the same way.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel. The kids will be able to wake up and get their own cereal and let us sleep. They'll go to school. They'll get out of diapers . . .

[Anonymous]

Those stats about 70% of men cheating are a bit skewed. When you look at men who have been married a long time, adultery is less common.
Those numbers include marriages that are in failure, near divorce, or separated.
Just thought that this thread needed some optimism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
But we try to keep in mind that as the kids get older, things will get somewhat easier. There's still laughter and an understanding that these stressors are not each other's fault. Life is hard. But like I said -- while I don't think it is bad not to have kids -- having had them, you do what you have to do. The last thing I want to do right now is have an affair. For one thing, there's just no time for that. And I think my husband feels the same way.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel. The kids will be able to wake up and get their own cereal and let us sleep. They'll go to school. They'll get out of diapers . . .

Yeah I tell my husband that if he hears of me going to a fancy hotel for a couple of hours during the middle of the day, it's to take a nap!

[Anonymous]

exactly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband shared that with you???

My husband would never talk that way.

but he might think that way.

i'm guessing the pp's dh said it in the context of "guys in general" which makes it a little more understandable.

Correct, it was during a dicussion of why men with "hot' women cheat. I think we were talking about Halle Berry's various woes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been married for 5 years. And no, it was not my intention to be mean. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone.

We have financial issues. We have issues with elderly parents. We have career stresses. Children stresses. Exhaustion. It's no paradise over here. There is no question in my mind that we were happier with each other and closer to each other before we had children. And, I think that children are, in a way, the biggest trigger for the financial stresses -- even the career stresses. If I didn't have kids I would have quit my job for something else a long time ago. But I don't want to take the risk of something going wrong when things are, well, not so bad at this job (if not so interesting or high-paying). We worry about our children and there's that stress, and sometimes a couple disagrees about how to handle a child and that causes tension. I respect couple who decide not to have children and do not think that they are somehow selfish or do not know real love.

But we try to keep in mind that as the kids get older, things will get somewhat easier. There's still laughter and an understanding that these stressors are not each other's fault. Life is hard. But like I said -- while I don't think it is bad not to have kids -- having had them, you do what you have to do. The last thing I want to do right now is have an affair. For one thing, there's just no time for that. And I think my husband feels the same way.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel. The kids will be able to wake up and get their own cereal and let us sleep. They'll go to school. They'll get out of diapers . . .

I do not wish ill on you. I do not wish ill on anyone. But what you've described here 1) is a perfectly normal life with kids and 2) sounds like the classic situation where an affair occurs.

You say you have issues and stresses. Not as happy and close as before. The last thing YOU want is to have an affair because there's no time for that.

That's exactly when the GUY has an affair.... "she's tired, she's stressed, we're not as close as we were...." I hope he's not 40 or close to it.

You don't mention how much sex is still going on. Based on the recent "how often do moms and dads have sex" thread, I'd say in most marriages like the one you describe above, it's not often. Certainly not as often as the good old days. Which also is an excuse that leads to cheating.

There's a reason people talk about the 7 year itch... that's when so many marriages start to have trouble. You're at five. I hope you will remain happy, and secure, and married, and uncheated on, while the risk factors peter out, and the dangerous stages of marriage pass you by.

[Anonymous]

Good grief, you all sure are a pessimistic bunch. I actually have been cheated on by my ex. And he was a nutjob.
And it was blindingly obvious, even to me, that he was the type.
But most men I know, including my current husband, my dad, my stepdad, my brother-in-law, FIL, BFFs' DHs, etc. are decent guys with decent marriages. Not blissful, just normal. A lot of us, men and women alike, are too damn tired taking care of our kids and maintaining our jobs and marriages and friendships, to have time to run around chasing someone's skirts (or pants).
I don't think infidelity is this epidemic that the media makes it out to be, nor is it something just bubbling under the surface as the posters on this board suggest it is.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to burst bubbles here:

My marriage was happy. My dh was happy (says that still). We had lots of sex - and it was great sex, too. We were close and shared our most intimate thoughts. I trusted him absolutely. I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world.

Men in happy marriages cheat. It is NOT always that there is a problem in the marriage. Sometimes, men just go through a midlife crisis. My husband became unmoored. He didn't have sex with anyone else, but he started thinking about it.

It truly can happen to anyone.