When you married you husband, did you sense that he could cheat?

[Anonymous]

Any man can cheat, given the right circumstances. DH is not a cheater by nature. I knew that the moment I met him. But why tempt fate...? Keeping an eye on your relationship is crucial. And in a new relationship, gut feelings must override that "in love" crazy, heady, irrational emotion that convinces you he's absolutely perfect and won't cheat on you, even when the signs are in plain sight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of my best friends in college gave me a piece of advice once and I think it is really true:

"He should always be more in love with you than you are with him."

I now it sounds a little callous, but it is true. I would have to say that it works for me and my husband.

See, my husband has always been more in love with me than I am with him. It doesn't actually work. I thought that my role was to take as many worries from him as possible so he could pursue his brilliant career (and it has been brilliant). I did everything for the kids, but we still had dates and really great (and frequent) sex. I thought our marriage was perfect.

But it turns out that he wanted me to NEED him more than I did. He became friends with a co-worker who NEEDED his advice and support far more than I did. It turned into an ugly emotional affair, which had my whole life in a tailspin. Throughout the 10 months that he talked to her about his and her hopes and dreams (not romance - just emotional intimacy), he claimed to still be passionately in love with me - even to her. It wasn't until I fell apart over their growing friendship that he realized what he was taking from me and giving to her. He cut off all contact with her, and we are closer than ever. But it could easily have turned into a physical affair - in spite of his loving me more than I loved him. It's the Knight in Shining Armor thing...

I find this interesting. How did he take it when he realized you were growing resentful over the friendship? I can't imagine that he immediately cut things off.

[Anonymous]

If you don't do well with rejection, you should never consider a man with roving eyes.
That said, I agree with Zumbamama, the men that sleep around are horrible in bed.

Risk factors for cheating:

Lack of education, the more education a man has, the less likely he is to cheat. A famous hooker once said that she could make no money at a physics conference.
Low income, sadly, men with lower incomes are at greater risk.
Family history and culture, if his father did it, watch out.
Productivity, the busier the man (in his job), the less likely he is to cheat. Nothing like the lonely bored salesman off on the road to chase other women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't do well with rejection, you should never consider a man with roving eyes.
That said, I agree with Zumbamama, the men that sleep around are horrible in bed.

Risk factors for cheating:

Lack of education, the more education a man has, the less likely he is to cheat. A famous hooker once said that she could make no money at a physics conference.
Low income, sadly, men with lower incomes are at greater risk.
Family history and culture, if his father did it, watch out.
Productivity, the busier the man (in his job), the less likely he is to cheat. Nothing like the lonely bored salesman off on the road to chase other women.

I also heard that while blue-collar men are more likely to have sex outside of marriage, they are less likely to fall in love and leave the marriage than white-collar men.

But I heard it a long time ago (back when dividing men into blue-collar and white-collar job categories seemed to make sense) so I don't know if it's still true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Lack of education, the more education a man has, the less likely he is to cheat. A famous hooker once said that she could make no money at a physics conference.
Low income, sadly, men with lower incomes are at greater risk.

I've heard the exact opposite. The more education, the more powerful the job, the higher the income, the more likely a man is to cheat. They have the time, money, and power to cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Lack of education, the more education a man has, the less likely he is to cheat. A famous hooker once said that she could make no money at a physics conference.
Low income, sadly, men with lower incomes are at greater risk.

I've heard the exact opposite. The more education, the more powerful the job, the higher the income, the more likely a man is to cheat. They have the time, money, and power to cheat.

I got that info. from a research paper. It showed that as men aquired more and more education, out to PhDs, there is less adultery. That said, the cases of the college professor and student get more attention than the janitor and the student.

[Anonymous]

I'm the inappropriate friendship person. My DH's problems began when his workload skyrocketed. She was, after all, a co-worker. I would say that the busier a man is, and the more time he spends away from home, the more opportunity he has - at the same time that he feels less connected with his wife.

As for the reluctance to cut off the friendship. Oh, yeah, it took many months of suspicion and questioning before he finally saw what a drain she was on our marriage. That, and marriage counseling...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't do well with rejection, you should never consider a man with roving eyes.
That said, I agree with Zumbamama, the men that sleep around are horrible in bed.

Risk factors for cheating:

Lack of education, the more education a man has, the less likely he is to cheat. A famous hooker once said that she could make no money at a physics conference.
Low income, sadly, men with lower incomes are at greater risk.
Family history and culture, if his father did it, watch out.
Productivity, the busier the man (in his job), the less likely he is to cheat. Nothing like the lonely bored salesman off on the road to chase other women.

With regard to my straying husband, you are exactly right on all points. He is less educated than I am, makes less money, has a family history of it on both sides, a cultural tendancy towards it (not saying) and he's self employed, plenty of free time on his hands.

[Anonymous]

Why do we let extra-marital sex bother us so much????

[Anonymous]

I'm 100% positive my husband wouldn't cheat. Not that he wouldn't be tempted, but he has such a strong moral code that he wouldn't. I know this the same way I know he'd never embezzle from an employer, lie to a judge or murder someone.

Plus we have a great marriage and sex life and really take the time to connect each week. I just hope we can maintain that over a lifetime!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do we let extra-marital sex bother us so much????

I can think of all kinds of reasons.

1) It's a violation of trust and probably a vow
2) It's a health risk
3) It's an expense risk if TOW gets pregnant
4) He's getting some outside the marriage, and the wife is getting none (in my case) so there's a feeling of "how DARE he!"
5) It implies a mentality where he thinks the rules don't apply to him, hence outrage on the part of the wronged spouse

I could go on and on...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 100% positive my husband wouldn't cheat. Not that he wouldn't be tempted, but he has such a strong moral code that he wouldn't. I know this the same way I know he'd never embezzle from an employer, lie to a judge or murder someone.

Plus we have a great marriage and sex life and really take the time to connect each week. I just hope we can maintain that over a lifetime!

PP, I think the key part of your post is revealed in your last sentence. Over time is how connections are lost, resentments fester, stress takes its toll, and affairs can happen. I personally believe no man or woman is above reproach in this category. I think I can say I'd never cheat on my husband, but if he cheated on me first, I might change my mind. Or if he refused to be intimate with me for a year, and wasn't affectionate at all... maybe I would have an affair on my way out the door of the marriage.

Personally, I read somewhere and think it myself, that men by and large cheat for the sex, but stay married. Whereas women cheat for the connection, and are more inclined to leave their husband for their new partner. For me, I know that would be true. I couldn't see cheating on my husband and staying married. Who needs that stress and drama?!? If I had such an attraction to another man that it became physical, I probably already fell in love with him and no longer love my husband.

[Anonymous]

I never ever ever ever thought DH could cheat but we went through a very tough time in our marriage and my sex drive suffered and he got very depressed and had 2 one night stands wile he was away on business. He confessed to me, probably hates himself more than I did, and now we are working very hard at restoring our relationship. He took full responsibility for his actions, didnt even really understand how he let it get as far as it did, and is in individual therapy and on medication. We are also in couples counseling, learning how to better communicate and for him to tell me when he feels he is spiraling out of control.

He does have higher education, is great in bed and comes from a strong religious and moral background, and always does the right thing (he wont even let me cut in lines), but he just completely lost it and felt like our marriage was over. I take no responsibility for his actions as he was completely wrong, but I certainly have learned to listen to him more. There were times that he was crying out for help and for me to pay more attention to his needs, seual and otherwise, and I did not take him seriously. I now better understand the inner battles he faces and am here to help him deal with them to make us stronger.

I think there are some en that you always figure will cheat, but sometimes you really have absolutely no idea. There is not a single person we know who would ever think that he would have cheated on me. You never know what a person is capable of.

[Anonymous]

My husband was cheating on his girlfriend with me. He broke it off with her, dated someone else and cheated on her with me as well. I am confident he will never cheat on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do we let extra-marital sex bother us so much????

Do you want the anthropological answer, the biological answer, or the ethical answer?

If your cave man has other women with other kids, your kids get less of the hunt, which reduces their chances of survival. So the gene for possessiveness of mates evolved, and here we are.
For the cave man, he does not want cave woman to be cheating because he will not hunt with the same vim and vigor if he's not sure the kids are really his.

Biologically, it spreads disease. Spousy cares about that.

Ethically, it is somewhat antisocial, and the no one can trust you. Unpredictable human behavior is grounds for rejection in any relationship.