Too exhausted for TTC weeknight sex

[Anonymous]

OP, I have been following this from the beginning but haven't commented yet. I used to think that I needed a lot more sleep and then I went through grad school with a full time ridiculously busy job and I figured out that I can get by with very little sleep and you just do what you need to do. My DH and I both work a lot and are very busy with other activities, family, etc and we are also exhausted by the end of the day. I find that the busier I am the better I adapt to less sleep. Some weekends or family trips when we don't have as much going on I lay around and sleep way too much and find that I'm more lethargic than when I am going going going. Part of me wonders if you just need some hobbies and other things going on. I agree that working with your doctor on what's going on is critical. And regular exercise is key. I too am not a fan of exercise but it really does help along with a good nutrient rich diet.

Now, all of that said, I am finding it hard to believe that none of the PPs are able to relate to how squeezing in week night sex is sometimes a drag. Give me a break ladies. We have been TTC for a year and sometimes it is a huge drag. But we do it. You just you do what you need to do. We've tried everything - every day, every other day you name it. This month we have done every day straight for the last 10. We love to get busy but that is not our normal rhythm. We are 2-3 times a week kind of a couple, and most of that is on the weekends. Most of this month has been first thing in the morning. If my DH got up way before I normally do, that would be tough and we would definitely have a harder time in the evening. We would still do it, but far less romantically and more of a chore than it's been. We know that our work styles and activities will shift when we have a baby and we are looking forward to that, but for now DH is adjusting to a new role and I am gunning for a long overdue promotion and new role that will set me up well for post-baby life, if we are lucky enough to finally be successful.

Good luck OP and to all of you working on expanding your families.

[Anonymous]

You need to start doing exercise. Everyday. BEFORE the baby comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been following this from the beginning but haven't commented yet. I used to think that I needed a lot more sleep and then I went through grad school with a full time ridiculously busy job and I figured out that I can get by with very little sleep and you just do what you need to do. My DH and I both work a lot and are very busy with other activities, family, etc and we are also exhausted by the end of the day. I find that the busier I am the better I adapt to less sleep. Some weekends or family trips when we don't have as much going on I lay around and sleep way too much and find that I'm more lethargic than when I am going going going. Part of me wonders if you just need some hobbies and other things going on. I agree that working with your doctor on what's going on is critical. And regular exercise is key. I too am not a fan of exercise but it really does help along with a good nutrient rich diet.

Now, all of that said, I am finding it hard to believe that none of the PPs are able to relate to how squeezing in week night sex is sometimes a drag. Give me a break ladies. We have been TTC for a year and sometimes it is a huge drag. But we do it. You just you do what you need to do. We've tried everything - every day, every other day you name it. This month we have done every day straight for the last 10. We love to get busy but that is not our normal rhythm. We are 2-3 times a week kind of a couple, and most of that is on the weekends. Most of this month has been first thing in the morning. If my DH got up way before I normally do, that would be tough and we would definitely have a harder time in the evening. We would still do it, but far less romantically and more of a chore than it's been. We know that our work styles and activities will shift when we have a baby and we are looking forward to that, but for now DH is adjusting to a new role and I am gunning for a long overdue promotion and new role that will set me up well for post-baby life, if we are lucky enough to finally be successful.

Good luck OP and to all of you working on expanding your families.

None of the things you mentioned (working a lot, "other activities", grad school) even come close to how tired having a baby makes you. Seriously, come back after you have a kid and you will laugh at your post.

Give me a break. OP didn't say TTC sex was a drag, she said she can't function without 9 hours of sleep and is too tired to have sex on weeknights. BTDT moms know that won't cut it with a baby.

[Anonymous]

Op, i really think you need to rethink if you are able to have a baby. I take most of the night shifts with our 9 week old DD since I can function on less sleep than DH (although 6-7 is plenty for him)and I am currently staying at home. That didn't stop me from being pissed and resentful towards DH when DD was only sleeping 3 hour stretches at night. You and your husband are fooling yourselves if you think that your relationship won't suffer if DH does all the night feedings and continues to work 80 hours a week.

You also better not sleep anywhere near your baby or the baby monitor. Even when one of us is the one to be on the feeding shift, the other wakes up to the crying baby as well. So looks like you and your husband should sleep in different rooms since he'll either have the baby close by or will have a baby monitor.

I think you really need to reevaluate your life and needs. A baby sounds like something that you personally cannot handle. Perhaps adopt an older child who is less needy?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am a ridiculously low energy person and I am raising a baby on my own with no help whatsoever. It is absolutely possible. In the early weeks when baby is up every few hours, juat sleep when the baby sleeps. If you are a big napper it actually works out quite well. I didn't have anyone to share night feedings/diapering/burping with and managed just fine. Your body makes lots of changes when you are pregnant and the hormonal drive to do what needs to be done is simply amazing. Some of these people are haters and some are looking out for you. I think you'll be able to handle it just fine.

[Anonymous]

Don't feel bad, OP. I am a great lover of sex, the wilder and more frequent the better, but when DH and I were TTC, I couldn't get into it at all. We laugh about it now that DC is almost three...we're one and done for other reasons, but we joke that it's because we can't handle anymore bad sex. Too depressing!

Once I was pg, though, the sex was fabulous enough to almost make up for it. All that extra blood flowing to the nether regions. Woo hoo!

[Anonymous]

Start exercising now. You need the sunlight to address what sounds like a bit of depression and to add natural vit. D and you need to start moving your body. Wake up and walk 30min before work and 20min during your lunch. Build up to higher intensity stuff. Try a weekend yoga class. Whatever it is, start moving. Tired begets tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been following this from the beginning but haven't commented yet. I used to think that I needed a lot more sleep and then I went through grad school with a full time ridiculously busy job and I figured out that I can get by with very little sleep and you just do what you need to do. My DH and I both work a lot and are very busy with other activities, family, etc and we are also exhausted by the end of the day. I find that the busier I am the better I adapt to less sleep. Some weekends or family trips when we don't have as much going on I lay around and sleep way too much and find that I'm more lethargic than when I am going going going. Part of me wonders if you just need some hobbies and other things going on. I agree that working with your doctor on what's going on is critical. And regular exercise is key. I too am not a fan of exercise but it really does help along with a good nutrient rich diet.

Now, all of that said, I am finding it hard to believe that none of the PPs are able to relate to how squeezing in week night sex is sometimes a drag. Give me a break ladies. We have been TTC for a year and sometimes it is a huge drag. But we do it. You just you do what you need to do. We've tried everything - every day, every other day you name it. This month we have done every day straight for the last 10. We love to get busy but that is not our normal rhythm. We are 2-3 times a week kind of a couple, and most of that is on the weekends. Most of this month has been first thing in the morning. If my DH got up way before I normally do, that would be tough and we would definitely have a harder time in the evening. We would still do it, but far less romantically and more of a chore than it's been. We know that our work styles and activities will shift when we have a baby and we are looking forward to that, but for now DH is adjusting to a new role and I am gunning for a long overdue promotion and new role that will set me up well for post-baby life, if we are lucky enough to finally be successful.

Good luck OP and to all of you working on expanding your families.

None of the things you mentioned (working a lot, "other activities", grad school) even come close to how tired having a baby makes you. Seriously, come back after you have a kid and you will laugh at your post.

Give me a break. OP didn't say TTC sex was a drag, she said she can't function without 9 hours of sleep and is too tired to have sex on weeknights. BTDT moms know that won't cut it with a baby.

Right, because all babies and families are exactly the same. Of course babies are exhausting. The OP gets that. But the drum beat from all these posts about how utterly dreadful it is are a bit extreme. Some babies are exhausting and make the first few months (or years) hell. Some are merely just garden variety exhausting. Others are actually not all that difficult.

Oh, and as for other things not making you as tired as having a baby? Although there are many utterly unique aspects to having a newborn, there are plenty of jobs and graduate programs--and residencies and postdocs--that are grueling and unpredictable. Having a child is an incomparable experience, sure. To suggest, however, that you can't draw from ANY of your life experiences to help you cope is ridiculous.

OP, I'll echo the other PPs who have recommended starting to exercise. I can't say enough about the difference it can make. Good luck.

[jindc]

I'm indifferent about whether you have a child, but I think there are more issues here than you are letting on - depression? chronic fatigue?

I think that you and your husband should seriously consider a lifestyle evaluation prior to actually having a child. I'm all for nannies if you can afford them, but what is the point of having a child if you're not going to spend time with them, or enjoy the time you have with them?

I used to be way more overweight than I am now (I lost almost 75lbs in 16 months, then my husband returned from Afghanistan and I started eating again...sigh) and while the weightloss was an excellent side effect, the fitness routine improved my life in so many ways - I used to come home from work, sit on the sofa, make/eat dinner, watch more TV, then sleep. I have a full time job and take care of my husband/home (yes, he does help, I just have different levels of cleanliness so decided it's my duty to meet those standards vs being disappointed). We often don't eat until 8PM.

And now that I'm going through IVF, the whole NOT going to the gym aspect is one of the worst parts.

Start a fitness program - you have no excuse. You have the luxury of regular work hours (it seems), and don't have to be home to take care of a child. Take a kickboxing class, or if you're too unmotivated, try yoga or something. However, if you do nothing but want/need more and more sleep, life will pass you by.

[Anonymous]

Im not as low energy as you describe, but really love my sleep and I do drag if I don't get enough (but I'm functional). Before TTC I knew I was on for the night shift. I was amazed at how well I adjusted to the lack of sleep- DS woke up every 2-3 hours for a LONG time and didnt STTN until after he was 1. But I'm always able to muster up the energy to play with him and be excited. The newborn phase was totally exhausting (so is the toddler phase...) but you might adjust more easily than you think. (But I agree that TTC sex is more exhausing that fun sex... try to make it not seem like such a chore. that was when we finally got pregnant). GL.