Should I let my 16 year old go on this Spring Break trip?

[Anonymous]

A lot of growing up happens between 16 and 18, folks ...

I wouldn't necessarily think this was the case for all kids, based upon how I saw many 18 years olds at my alma mater acting. Or the fact that they had to pass out a flyer telling us that it was "acceptable" to wear coats for sorority rush in upstate NY in the dead of winter. Young people can be very immature and irresponsible, whether they are 16 or 18. However, unless you are going to be telling your child that they need to live at home when they attend college, it would make sense to me to let them try out their independence gradually vs. all at once.

[Anonymous]

Stand up for your daughter op. at 16 she still needs your protection so she doesn't get in over her head. And I bet the other parents (or some of them) will be so relieved and follow suit. Surely you're not the only one wrestling with this. And to the poster who asked what the difference between this at 16 and campus life at 18 is, I say it's two years!

[Anonymous]

Without reading the thread or your description of the trip: no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hells to the no.

And it has nothing to do with trusting your child, so stop trying to make the OP feel like she doesn't trust her DD if she doesn't let her go.

It's about parenting. You have no idea what these other kids will be like, even if your daughter is completely well-behaved the whole time. So many things can go wrong that will be out of your daughter's control and have nothing to do with how "good" she is.

I am really surprised at how naive some parents are!

As for the formerly "good" students who are now parents 1) trust us who were not so "good" when we kids (when away from our parents) when we tell you that we had parents fooled with our good grades but partied hard out of their sight and 2) maybe you can vouch for your child -- can you vouch for every other child there? Are you so close with the parents that you can vouch for them too?

Please -- not letting your 16-yr-old rent a beach house with 10 others (incl. guys) does not equal keeping your child under lock and key.

This is a straw man. No one is saying she should let her daughter go alone. What I and other posters wrote was that OP should talk to the parents rather than make a blanket rule.

You can't keep your 16 year old under lock and key. The trick is to make sure they have guidance, make sure they are safe (such as talking to the parents, sizing up the situation) while little by little also giving more freedom. They need to enjoy that freedom while they are still living under your roof, while you are still doing things like making sure there are watchful parents on the trip. because you don't want the to suddenly show up at college where there are no rules and no supervision never having exercised judgment, never having been exposed to situations where they have to exercise judgment.

If I thought the parents were not going to set rules and keep an eye out on the trip, I wouldn't let her go. But if i thought they were, I would, even knowing that I can't control the situation completely. because I can't control the situation completely here at home either (and you are dreaming if you think you can). A middle way is the best approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stand up for your daughter op. at 16 she still needs your protection so she doesn't get in over her head. And I bet the other parents (or some of them) will be so relieved and follow suit. Surely you're not the only one wrestling with this. And to the poster who asked what the difference between this at 16 and campus life at 18 is, I say it's two years!

22:21 again -- exactly --two years. Use those two years to set your child up for good decision-making in college. That means allowing her to make decisions now, while she is still living under your supervision. Making all the decisions for her, will not prepare her. Use those two years.

[Anonymous]

I would never have been allowed to do this at 16, yet I went off to college at 18 (in big, bad NYC no less) and had no problems with my "decision-making" or living in a co-ed dorm.

Cuz that's what is appropriate for a college-age student, not a 16-year-old high school student.

Do you let your kids drive before they are legal? How about drink? We draw lines all the time.

[Anonymous]

No driving: neither of mine got their license before they left home. Not my idea: theirs. Drinking? Sure. We had hard cider/beer/wine available in the house. If they wanted it, they had it. I had rum, gin, and scotch...ditto. If we were done working, and it was hot, we often had beer/cider when they were fairly young teens. They didn't drink much, it was never a big deal. I helped my daughter get birth control, taught her about barrier protection, and left her alone. Her sex life certainly wasn't and isn't MY business. I made sure my son had condoms and also understood stds. Not my problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No driving: neither of mine got their license before they left home. Not my idea: theirs. Drinking? Sure. We had hard cider/beer/wine available in the house. If they wanted it, they had it. I had rum, gin, and scotch...ditto. If we were done working, and it was hot, we often had beer/cider when they were fairly young teens. They didn't drink much, it was never a big deal. I helped my daughter get birth control, taught her about barrier protection, and left her alone. Her sex life certainly wasn't and isn't MY business. I made sure my son had condoms and also understood stds. Not my problem.

An interesting perspective but definitely not mine!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Hells to the no.

And it has nothing to do with trusting your child, so stop trying to make the OP feel like she doesn't trust her DD if she doesn't let her go.

It's about parenting. You have no idea what these other kids will be like, even if your daughter is completely well-behaved the whole time. So many things can go wrong that will be out of your daughter's control and have nothing to do with how "good" she is.

I am really surprised at how naive some parents are!

As for the formerly "good" students who are now parents 1) trust us who were not so "good" when we kids (when away from our parents) when we tell you that we had parents fooled with our good grades but partied hard out of their sight and 2) maybe you can vouch for your child -- can you vouch for every other child there? Are you so close with the parents that you can vouch for them too?

Please -- not letting your 16-yr-old rent a beach house with 10 others (incl. guys) does not equal keeping your child under lock and key.

But here is the thing - in two years, her kid is likely going to be living someplace other than her home, and not be supervised by adults on a regular basis at all. What, in your mind, is the difference that occurs in those two years that makes it ok for the kid to live in a dorm on her own at a coed school for months at a time at 18, but not ok to take a week long trip supervised by two adults at age 16?

The 10 [6 girls and the 4 boys] are planning this well in advance. Months. I assume they are serious students who will use the time for study groups for AP chem and BC calc. BS. This trip is BS and the parent in on the details might be the booze supplier and think nothing of stocking the open bar for the trip. Advance planning on the scope of OP's DD usually means trouble. This isn't a multi-teacher supervised trip.

[Anonymous]

The point of going on a spring break trip to the beach is to get drunk, party and hook up. Has always been. That is the primary reason why people go to the beach during spring break.

It is different than going to a beach house in say, early August. Ask the residents of the beach towns and they will 100% agree. The cops wil too, as will the shop owners.

And for those who say this is no different than trekking around Europe as a teen. It's not. Although a teen will have many opportunities to get in trouble jaunting around Europe relatively unsupervised, she is not going to be completely surrounded by folks whose sole purpose in being there is belly shots, wet tshirt contests, casual sex, and random hook ups with various strangers.

[Anonymous]

My just turned 16 year old is a 'good kid' - does great in school, doesn't skip classes, never have to worry about her staying out way too late so we don't even have a curfew for her, we never ground her or put any restrictions and I still wouldn't let her go on this trip.

[Anonymous]

To the 16 vs 18 poster who said parents should "use those two years" to allow your teen to gain experience and independence, right on! However, this particular trip does not sound like a good learning laboratory to me. How about just allowing them to gain experience a little at a time instead of jumping directly into the deep end. You say "the middle way is best" but this is sink or swim!

[Anonymous]

I guess I am probably coming at this from a different perspective because I have a boy, but I know my son's friends. They are all nice kids, in a sense much "geekier" than I was at that age, but also much happier and better rounded. I would let him go, provided that (1) it was not a beach location where there was nothing to do but party and have wet t-shirt contests, and (2) there was no issue with getting his school work done in light of the trip. I also know the parents of his friends well enough to know that they are not covert "booze suppliers."

[Anonymous]

The other thing to keep in mind is that while their house might be full of HS kids, most of the houses around them will be filled with college kids. Are you okay with that 20yr old guy offering your daughter a beer or two or five while they lay out on the beach?

2 adults can't keep appropriate supervision on ten teens in that environment. And, it's an environment which requires a lot of supervision.

[Anonymous]

I have 4 teens and we have never been "blanket" no or yes type parents. I would get as much information as I can about the trip. There are a lot of variables. What is the location of the house (a house in OC is much different environment than one in Bethany)? Who are the other kids going and how well do you know them? What about the chaperones? There are some friends' parents that we would not trust to go across the street - there are others that run a tighter ship than we do. What is your DD like? Do you let her go out at 16YO here? (If so, do not be naive - there is nothing she can do at the beach that she cannot do here. There are sex, alcohol and drugs here too.) What will the rules be and can other parents have input?

I firmly believe that you have to give kid responsble freedom and each one of my kids has taken trips without us, whether it was vacationing with another family or travelling with a sports team. That is different than this trip, however. As a general matter, my kids did not do "beach week" until they turned 18 or graduated HS.

Based on the limited informaton you have provided, I would likely say no to this one.