Hosting a birthday party dinner at restaurant, but want everyone to go dutch

[Anonymous]

We just had a similar experience. Invited to a b-day party by a couple. Husband and wife are both well-employed. Had a nice time, then got the $150 bill (they split it evenly, not taking into account what people ate). When in my 20s and single, I'd assume dutch, but at 35, employed and when invited, I was shocked. We still like the couple, but it just seems ungracious. As we are struggling financially, had I expected this, I probably would have declined dinner and asked if we could meet up with them afterwards at the bar (we ended up not going to the bar, bc we'd just spent our weekly food budget!).

But don't go broke and pay for everyone! Just do the cake part, or do something cute like "40 on paper; 14 at heart" and have everyone meet at a pizza restaurant or tacky/funny type of place that 14 year old boys go after soccer games, or a bowling alley, and pay for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just had a similar experience. Invited to a b-day party by a couple. Husband and wife are both well-employed. Had a nice time, then got the $150 bill (they split it evenly, not taking into account what people ate). When in my 20s and single, I'd assume dutch, but at 35, employed and when invited, I was shocked. We still like the couple, but it just seems ungracious. As we are struggling financially, had I expected this, I probably would have declined dinner and asked if we could meet up with them afterwards at the bar (we ended up not going to the bar, bc we'd just spent our weekly food budget!).

But don't go broke and pay for everyone! Just do the cake part, or do something cute like "40 on paper; 14 at heart" and have everyone meet at a pizza restaurant or tacky/funny type of place that 14 year old boys go after soccer games, or a bowling alley, and pay for everyone.

Well when you put it that way....I can see why you would be upset. The type of restaurant I was thinking would be the type where entrees are $10-$14, so there wouldn't be any $150 bill for anyone.

Anyhow, I like your ideas about the pizza place or the tacky/funny type of place. I like the bowling idea only I can't bowl because of a long-term shoulder injury. I've only been in the area a couple years, and not super familiar with what kinds of places might be around--anyone have any suggestions for the above in NoVA? Maybe a place to play pool, or a fun Dave and Busters type place?

[Anonymous]

OP, the logistics of dinner out and then party back at your house are odd anyway. I would be annoyed at having to drive/metro to dinner, then get back to your house. Why does the party have to be in 2 locations? I think you should just do a later evening cake/snack/drinks at your house and call it a day.

Are you going to get everything set for the party before dinner and then go back to the house and make guest stand around and wait while you scramble to open bottles of wine, heat food, cut the cake, etc?

It is clear by your initial plan that you must not entertain a lot and have not thought through the logistics.

[Anonymous]

if you are saying no kids, that is also asking people to pay for a babysitter for a really long time. A dinner for a group of 10 could take 2+hours. Then getting back to your house and then however many hours at your house.

I bet people will skip one portion of the event. Either the dinner or the part at your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the logistics of dinner out and then party back at your house are odd anyway. I would be annoyed at having to drive/metro to dinner, then get back to your house. Why does the party have to be in 2 locations? I think you should just do a later evening cake/snack/drinks at your house and call it a day.

Are you going to get everything set for the party before dinner and then go back to the house and make guest stand around and wait while you scramble to open bottles of wine, heat food, cut the cake, etc?

It is clear by your initial plan that you must not entertain a lot and have not thought through the logistics.

You are absolutey right. We do not entertain much. When we do entertain it's always a homemade brunch for friends at our place, which has always been well received because I always make lots of food and make sure it is presented beautifully. I have no experience with any other kind of entertaining.

With the exception of one couple, we also haven't had these friends over to our house before. These are all newish friends, as DH and I are newer to the area. Maybe that would be too much--having them all over for the first time for a birthday celebration? That's why I was thinking the restaurant idea might be better. I am worried about what they will think when they come to our house.

[Anonymous]

Op, what is the "norm" for your group when it comes to birthday dinners?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, we've established that I won't be sending out an e-vite for the restaurant portion. Just the house party portion.

So maybe I'll just send out an email about both, mentioning the getting together for dinner part and then the house party part. Or would that still be possibly offensive because of the restaurant part? Honestly, this whole thing doesn't seem like that big a deal to me and I had no idea it would come off this way. If it weren't for my sister mentioning this to me about possibly being offensive, it would have never occurred to me. If I received an evite for a group dinner at a restaurant I would assume it was dutch.

I just want to do something special for DH, because this is a big birthday for him (40th) and I want it to be special. But we don't have enough seating for a potluck dinner at home. Is a potluck dinner offensive too? I just got invited to a birthday potluck 40th by evite, is it offensive that the hostess asked everyone to contribute an entree dish?

My husband paid for dinner for 25 people at a restaurant for my 40th birthday. Why don't you just pay?

[Anonymous]

OP i think you need to skip doing a dinner out for your husband, with anyone other than the two of you. You can't invite people at all, evite or not, to his birthday dinner and expect them to pay for themselves. Even though you're unemployed, people are going to be surprised when you don't pay, and they'll talk about it, although probably not to your face.

Can you have people over for appetizers and drinks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, what is the "norm" for your group when it comes to birthday dinners?

I don't have a group. DH and I moved here from the West Coast 3 years ago and just started really making some good friends in the last year through book clubs, volunteering, etc. So I don't have a group and while we have been invited to birthday dinners, they have always been potluck birthday dinners via e-vite where the hostess expects everyone to contribute an entree. I never saw anything wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to get a grip (imagine you're Prissy and Miss Scarlett is smacking you). This is what you do. Have the party at your house. Got to Trader Joe's or Cosco or wherever and buy some meatballs, tartlets, cheeses, etc. Wrap some asparagus in prosciutto, wrap a small brie wheel in phyllo, buy a reasonably priced cake, lots of wine, beer, champagne, a little liquor, and have a blast.

You're making way too much out of this and pressuring yourself. My guess is that eventually, the stress it's causing you will transfer to your husband, and you'll make him miserable. Really, does your husband care whether or not you all go to a restaurant? I doubt it. If I was a guest, I'd much rather go to a house party where I can laugh, mingle, nibble on small bites, and enjoy the company of my hosts and friends. And then later, I could steal the hostess' Xanax and pass out in her bathroom in my own vomit. Anyway, have a rip-roaring party at home, and enjoy yourself. Flirt with your husband all night and whisper dirty things in his ear, promising something delicious later. Have sex on your guests' coats or sneak off to some dark corner of the house. I'm guessing your husband would prefer that over dinner at the Palm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP i think you need to skip doing a dinner out for your husband, with anyone other than the two of you. You can't invite people at all, evite or not, to his birthday dinner and expect them to pay for themselves. Even though you're unemployed, people are going to be surprised when you don't pay, and they'll talk about it, although probably not to your face.

Can you have people over for appetizers and drinks?

I could invite them for appetizers and drinks, but now I'm second guessing the whole idea of a party at our house. With the exception of one of the couples, none of them have been over to our house because they're all new friends. I'm worried about what they're going to think when they come over. Plus I have very little experience entertaining other than having brunches for one or two couples at a time at our house. I'm worried I will do a bad job of entertaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If its a 40th birthday why not pay for the dinner OP? It should be a big celebration...

Well I guess I could. Honestly though I have been unemployed for 10 months (and job searching) and all our friends know this. So it wasn't my first choice for financial reasons. I suppose we could do it though.

Maybe I should just forget this whole idea. Almost seems more trouble than it's worth, given the reactions on this thread. Now I'm thinking I'm going to offend someone no matter what I do.

It's easy. Just host an event that you can afford to pay for, at home or out.

[Anonymous]

Then just do appetizers, finger food, drinks and cake at your house. People will ask what they can bring--assign them things. Maybe pick a theme based on your DH's interests.

[Anonymous]

OP what about the suggestion several have made about apps/drinks/cake at your house? That way you don't have to put out a meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, we've established that I won't be sending out an e-vite for the restaurant portion. Just the house party portion.

So maybe I'll just send out an email about both, mentioning the getting together for dinner part and then the house party part. Or would that still be possibly offensive because of the restaurant part? Honestly, this whole thing doesn't seem like that big a deal to me and I had no idea it would come off this way. If it weren't for my sister mentioning this to me about possibly being offensive, it would have never occurred to me. If I received an evite for a group dinner at a restaurant I would assume it was dutch.

I just want to do something special for DH, because this is a big birthday for him (40th) and I want it to be special. But we don't have enough seating for a potluck dinner at home. Is a potluck dinner offensive too? I just got invited to a birthday potluck 40th by evite, is it offensive that the hostess asked everyone to contribute an entree dish?

My husband paid for dinner for 25 people at a restaurant for my 40th birthday. Why don't you just pay?

Goody for you. The OP has been jobless for 10 months, that's why.