Hosting a birthday party dinner at restaurant, but want everyone to go dutch

[Anonymous]

Tacky. Get a few platters and a cake and have it at your house if you don't want to pay for dinner out.

[Anonymous]

You can't do that. Everyone will think you are cheap and talk about you behind your back. Maybe a good friend would tell you to your face. Don't do the restaurant then. Just have some people over for heavy hors d'oeuvres and dessert.

[Anonymous]

Okay, we've established that I won't be sending out an e-vite for the restaurant portion. Just the house party portion.

So maybe I'll just send out an email about both, mentioning the getting together for dinner part and then the house party part. Or would that still be possibly offensive because of the restaurant part? Honestly, this whole thing doesn't seem like that big a deal to me and I had no idea it would come off this way. If it weren't for my sister mentioning this to me about possibly being offensive, it would have never occurred to me. If I received an evite for a group dinner at a restaurant I would assume it was dutch.

I just want to do something special for DH, because this is a big birthday for him (40th) and I want it to be special. But we don't have enough seating for a potluck dinner at home. Is a potluck dinner offensive too? I just got invited to a birthday potluck 40th by evite, is it offensive that the hostess asked everyone to contribute an entree dish?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm a younger generation than everyone here, but we always go Dutch on bday dinners. Usually in lieu of gifts.

But it's not an invitation then.

[Anonymous]

If its a 40th birthday why not pay for the dinner OP? It should be a big celebration...

[Anonymous]

Either pay for everyone at the restaurant (with cake at our place after) or do the cake only thing at your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm a younger generation than everyone here, but we always go Dutch on bday dinners. Usually in lieu of gifts.

But it's not an invitation then.

We always use evites for the dinners, though. So again I think it depends on what is norm for the group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If its a 40th birthday why not pay for the dinner OP? It should be a big celebration...

Well I guess I could. Honestly though I have been unemployed for 10 months (and job searching) and all our friends know this. So it wasn't my first choice for financial reasons. I suppose we could do it though.

Maybe I should just forget this whole idea. Almost seems more trouble than it's worth, given the reactions on this thread. Now I'm thinking I'm going to offend someone no matter what I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If its a 40th birthday why not pay for the dinner OP? It should be a big celebration...

Well I guess I could. Honestly though I have been unemployed for 10 months (and job searching) and all our friends know this. So it wasn't my first choice for financial reasons. I suppose we could do it though.

Maybe I should just forget this whole idea. Almost seems more trouble than it's worth, given the reactions on this thread. Now I'm thinking I'm going to offend someone no matter what I do.

Well now hold on a second. I'm a pp who thinks you should pay, but I didn't know you are unemployed for that long. That's what is known as a mitigating circumstance. If your friends know this I think maybe you get frame it a little more gracefully as a we-go-dutch get together. Just don't choose Morton's or something.

[Anonymous]

If it's a big bday..you should treat. I would be horrified if my hubby invited people out for my bday and then asked people to split the bill. FYI I have gone to maybe 10 dinners like this and the host treated each time. If this is not in your budget..invite people over for drinks and call it a day. Also agree that people would be talking about this behind your back and it would also make your hubby look bad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, we've established that I won't be sending out an e-vite for the restaurant portion. Just the house party portion.

So maybe I'll just send out an email about both, mentioning the getting together for dinner part and then the house party part. Or would that still be possibly offensive because of the restaurant part? Honestly, this whole thing doesn't seem like that big a deal to me and I had no idea it would come off this way. If it weren't for my sister mentioning this to me about possibly being offensive, it would have never occurred to me. If I received an evite for a group dinner at a restaurant I would assume it was dutch.

I just want to do something special for DH, because this is a big birthday for him (40th) and I want it to be special. But we don't have enough seating for a potluck dinner at home. Is a potluck dinner offensive too? I just got invited to a birthday potluck 40th by evite, is it offensive that the hostess asked everyone to contribute an entree dish?

Potlucks are useful for people who don't have much money (students, 20-somethings). But I can't fathom doing a potluck for a 40th birthday party. Why would you want your guests to have to provide the food for your event?

Why don't you make or buy some food, and host a buffet at your house? People can sit wherever; it doesn't have to be a sit-down thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agreed. What you're suggesting is completely rude. If you can't afford/aren't willing to pay for the guests at a restaurant, then find something less expensive to do with them that you can pay for.

Agreed. Tacky.

[Anonymous]

In situations like this where you are throwing a self-interested party (in your case a party for your DH), it is very rude to indicate other people should pay. I knew someone who did this -- invited everyone to take her out for her birthday at an expensive club with table service and it was painful.

The most important thing: throw the party you can afford and can offer hospitality to your guests for. If it's a sheet cake with little cocktail sausages, cheese, crackers, beer and cheap wine, there's nothing wrong with that. But don't "invite" other people to pay for your or your husband's party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, we've established that I won't be sending out an e-vite for the restaurant portion. Just the house party portion.

So maybe I'll just send out an email about both, mentioning the getting together for dinner part and then the house party part. Or would that still be possibly offensive because of the restaurant part? Honestly, this whole thing doesn't seem like that big a deal to me and I had no idea it would come off this way. If it weren't for my sister mentioning this to me about possibly being offensive, it would have never occurred to me. If I received an evite for a group dinner at a restaurant I would assume it was dutch.

I just want to do something special for DH, because this is a big birthday for him (40th) and I want it to be special. But we don't have enough seating for a potluck dinner at home. Is a potluck dinner offensive too? I just got invited to a birthday potluck 40th by evite, is it offensive that the hostess asked everyone to contribute an entree dish?

Potlucks are useful for people who don't have much money (students, 20-somethings). But I can't fathom doing a potluck for a 40th birthday party. Why would you want your guests to have to provide the food for your event?

Why don't you make or buy some food, and host a buffet at your house? People can sit wherever; it doesn't have to be a sit-down thing.

OP here. Every birthday party I've been to recently (40ths mostly) has been a potluck event, where the hostess asked everyone to bring potluck entrees. I have never given this a second thought. Seemed like a fun idea and they have been well received among my friends. I wouldn't think there would be anything wrong with this, so who knew.

Anyhow, I suppose I could do a buffet at our house. But I wouldn't even know what to make for something like this or where to start (I don't do much entertaining at home.) In fact, this would be the first time most of my friends have ever been to our house. We are newer to the area, been here 3 years (moved from the West Coast), so these are also new friends.

[Anonymous]

Apps drinks and cake at your house. Set the time so that it's past dinner hour and specify "come over for appetizers and drinks..." It can be very nice without killing your wallet.