Anyone never have baby fever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm one of the PPs that thinks your life doesn't have to change that much. Based on my experience and what I hear on DCUM, here are critical questions:

1) Do you have flexible jobs?
2) Are you willing to spend money on babysitting/housekeeping/etc. so that you can have free time?
3) Do you have family/friends around who can provide help?
4) Do you think your husband will be share with you equally the responsibilities of the house, child, etc.?

The answer for all of these for me is yes. I have 2 kids and I enjoy my life immensely. My husband is a great partner with the kids and we have regular date nights and me time. We take at least one vacation on our own each year and we do girls weekends/boys weekends as well.

You need to be realistic on how your lives will change, but I am here to say that you can still have a life with kids. It's not one or the other.

OP here, thanks for these questions! My answers to these questions are:

1) DH works 80 hours per week. I am currently job searching as I am starting a new career. I am looking for a flexible job or to work part-time now.
2) Yes
3) None. Moved here not knowing a single person. Family is in Oregon and Maine, we see them once a year, probably won't change if we have a kid.
4) As much as he can with his 80 hours per week job, but I think yes. He is good about that now.

Hmmmm. What do you think about this situation?

[Anonymous]

Your answers to #1 and #3 concern me. If you had one or the other, I'd say it was doable. But you won't have DH help or family support. That's rough. (Why are dudes who work a zillion hours always hell bent on having kids, anyway?)

My DH works 50 hours a week, and I have a very flexible job, but no family support. It's tough, but manageable with one kid. I would not want to try it with two, though.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I'd be worried about the 80 hrs/week part. If you are going to have part-time job, that would help, but you also need to be willing to spend money on a nanny to help out, esp. if you have more than one child. Not everyone needs help, but I know I would if my husband worked that much. I am very fortunate to have a husband that works 40 hrs/ week (and I work 32) and that makes a huge difference for us.

As for family, do you think they will visit more often when you have children? Both of our mothers are single and live in other states, but we buy them plane tickets to come help us out a couple times/year.

You can also try to build a "family" here. I tried really hard when I was pregnant and then when I had a newborn to meet others in the same situation. I now have a few super-close friends with kids the same age, and we don't hesitate to babysit for each other, even occasional overnights. It's made a big difference for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd be worried about the 80 hrs/week part. If you are going to have part-time job, that would help, but you also need to be willing to spend money on a nanny to help out, esp. if you have more than one child. Not everyone needs help, but I know I would if my husband worked that much. I am very fortunate to have a husband that works 40 hrs/ week (and I work 32) and that makes a huge difference for us.

As for family, do you think they will visit more often when you have children? Both of our mothers are single and live in other states, but we buy them plane tickets to come help us out a couple times/year.

You can also try to build a "family" here. I tried really hard when I was pregnant and then when I had a newborn to meet others in the same situation. I now have a few super-close friends with kids the same age, and we don't hesitate to babysit for each other, even occasional overnights. It's made a big difference for us.

OP here. I know, the long hours concern me but I guess we can hire help. DH is an orthopedic surgeon. The on-call part is the worst part about his hours, because they're so unpredictable. I am currently looking for a job, and I prefer to only work part-time. As it is I find most of my free time is spent managing the household--doing chores, errands, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.

As for family, I don't think either of our families will be interested in visiting if we have a kid. My parents are not the grandparent type. They are most interested in traveling the world rather than seeing me. They have already made it clear that they're not interested in the grandparent role. DH's father has no relationship with DH, pretty much estranged. DH's mother takes care of her 95 year old mother and is pretty much housebound because she has no help for her mother.

I would love to build "family" here. I have tried really hard to do so, but if I had a kid right now, there is no one we could turn to now for babysitting help or just to lend a hand. As a married couple without kids it has been hard to make friends here, as we moved here from across the county knowing no one here.

[Anonymous]

If you can hire help (nanny, housekeeper, etc) that would be helpful, but it my be very lonely without friends or him around and you would basically be a single Mom. Would you have any family time? 80 hour week is no joke - I'm not sure that he would really have any ability to take family time or with you - kids generally are awake 7am to 7pm with naps in between. I also don't understand his desire to have children when he wouldn't be seeing them at all. I know some people make it work, but I have no idea how they do it. Maybe someone on here can tell us how they manage.

If you start a new job, remember that FMLA doesn't kick in for a year if you are worried about keeping it after pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can hire help (nanny, housekeeper, etc) that would be helpful, but it my be very lonely without friends or him around and you would basically be a single Mom. Would you have any family time?

I am already very lonely without friends. We do have several hours a day when he comes home together, and most weekends when he is not working, and if we have a kid I think I'm going to ask him not to take as much call anymore. I think we'd be okay with family time--not as much as I would like, but okay.

[Anonymous]

OK, if DH is a surgeon then money shouldn't be a problem. As long as you are willing to hire help and not feel guilty about it (as so many women seem to do around here for some reason), you should be fine on that front.

I know it's hard to meet new people when you arrive at a new place, but it often becomes easier when you can relate to people in the same situation. In other words, at a prenatal yoga class you may meet women in the same boat. After the baby comes you can join a mom group or a PACE group and have an instant peer group.

Of course I'm not saying that you should have a baby just to meet people! But I do think there are some natural ways to meet others if you decide to go that route. And in the meantime, there is nothing wrong with hiring help in order to give you a break and maintain your sanity. My motto is a that a babysitter is cheaper than a therapist!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 34 and I have never had baby fever. I've been married for 8 years, have a solid marriage, don't have kids, and it would seem like we're ready for kids but I just don't feel "ready" yet. But I feel like we better get started or we may run into infertility problems with AMA. I wish I had baby fever to help me get excited about the idea of having a child, but I've never experienced it. I'm trying to decide if I just go ahead and have a baby because I'm getting old and because DH really wants one, even though I've never had baby fever or the intense longing for a child? Or should I wait until I have those feelings? As a side note, I am really dreading pregnancy. I've been dragging my feet on making pre-natal consultation appointments because I am dreading pregnancy a lot.

I didn't read anything but OP's question, but:

No, never, ever, ever did I have baby fever. I could have had kids or not had kids and been happy with my life. DH wanted to have them, and I was okay with that. (I am a teacher, have babysat for years on the side - I love kids. Just never was that interested in newborns/babies under about 18 months old or felt a longing to have one.) I now have a son under 1 year old and another on the way, and I am so glad I have him. I don't think I can adequately express how awesome it has been.

Also, you never know how your pregnancy will be. I was fortunate not to have morning sickness at all. Could be awful, could be a breeze. That was surprising to me too.

[Anonymous]

36 year old Nanny here- Absolutely LOVE children but have never had baby fever. The more I work with kids, the more I think I don't want kids. I've been a nanny for 15 years and maybe I would have wanted them if I wasn't a nanny. I'm great with the kids in my care and love them to pieces. I know I'd be an excellent Mom, but I just don't want the responsibility. I kind of wish it wasn't that way, but I love to travel and kids just don;t fit with my lifestyle