Fitting the baby into your life, not the other way around

[Anonymous]

Ok I know this is an undead thread but here are my 2 cents: I don't know why "fitting baby into your life" is bein equates with sleep schedules. My baby is fairly mellow and can mos a nap or bedtime by an hour without huge problems but still, I regard sleep as a need as important as food. Nobody would make a baby go hungry in the name of "fitting the baby into your life." It is the same way with sleep. I don't see any benefit to forcing him to adapt to my schedule and make him lose sleep. I will give a little along the margins, but I would never routinely have him skip a nap just because I wanted to go out. I suppose there are some kids who truly can nap on the go, but I seriously doubt they are getting all the sleep they need once they are past the newborn stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally found it so much easier to fit my life into baby and child. When people wondered why we didn't want to stay out late with the baby because "one night of late bedtime won't hurt" - my perspective was that when we do get home, she is overtired, things take longer, tantrums are thrown, and she wakes up the same time anyway, so we are all exhausted the next day.

So call me selfish, but I really like sticking to the nap and bedtime routine. It was just easier for me. And I would get stressed out doing some things I see other parents doing (I once saw a mom take her baby to a work conference and try to sit through the sessions. While I understand she may have been in a jam, this seemed so stressful to me).

This is exactly what happened to us this weekend. "One late night won't hurt" on Saturday was exhaustion tantrums once we got home (slept like an angel in the car) and all of us exhausted at the super early wakeup this morning. Fried our Sunday and wasn't worth it after all. I'm finding that (anyone's) lack of sleep hardly ever is these days because we don't have the ability to sleep late or zombie around the next day to make up for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, everyone is selfish to some degree regardless of how laid back the disposition of the child. I do not think that a parent is selfish because they parent differently than I do.

My SIL would appear to have the "kids need to fit into our lives" mentality and that is congruent with her personality; she prefers to go with the flow, be spontaneous, prefers very social events, dislikes the mundane or routine. As a result, her kids have never had set routines (even as newborns) and have adapted accordingy. They can nap anywhere, miss naps, delay bedtime, etc.

I, on the other hand, would appear to have the "my world revolves around my baby" approach; I prefer (crave really!) routine, consistency, and planning, As a result, my kids have had a routine from day 1 and have adapted accordingly. They don't nap well, if at all, unless at home or daycare, they never miss naps and if they do they are awful, and bedtime is a production that cannot be altered without resistance!

But, the truth is that BOTH my SIL and my own world revolves around our kids needs...we just have different ideas about what kids need. My SIL would take her kids to a late night outdoor concert and have a blast, wheras I would get a babysitter and have a blast. She expects her kids to adapt (a valuable life skill) and I expect my kids to follow a consistent routine. Neither one is right or wrong...just different. And thank goodness for that- a world full of uptight moms (like myself) would be really boring!!

well said!
We have friends who are like your sister-always taking kids out late to concerts and so forth. Kids go to bed at all times. They also have the flexibility to sleep in as they have a nanny. My kids have to get up early for daycare and I know that if they went to bed at 10pm they will be a disaster the next day. Now sure they would have adapted (ability to sleep anywhere and so forth) if I had set this as the norm, but the truth is, this I not my norm and it never was. Even pre-kids I loved consistency and routine, wasn’t one to go out every night of the week and liked getting up early. So In a way my kid does fit into MY lifestyle. I love that my kids are in bed by early and I can relax at night.

[Anonymous]

I had one of those easy babies from the start. We had no feeding issues, no sleep issues, no colic. She was content to sleep in a sling, in a carseat, in a stroller. She was content to be swaddled and held in arms at dinner, at brunch, at happy hour, wherever.

So we took her everywhere with us. Honestly, it was WONDERFUL for me. I was the first in my group of friends to have kids. Having it be possible to maintain more or less the same lifestyle I'd had previously made the transition a lot easier for me. Maybe it was selfish to be relieved about that, but it was really nice not to lose all my friends overnight because of a baby's nap schedule.

Her temperament plays the biggest role, but I think that the more we took her around with us, the more I continued to travel, the more I worked her needs into the existing structure of our lives, rather than totally restructuring (which, again, was only possible because of her overall personality being so easy), the easier it became to continue as we'd begun. You know how they say "sleep begets sleep"? I found it was sort of like that with a dynamic, not totally kid-centric lifestyle as well. The more you travel with a child, the easier it becomes to travel with a child. The more brunch parties you take a child to, the more that child is accustomed to going to such parties and the easier they tolerate them.

I will say that as she has gotten older, there have been times when I've had to scale things back a lot. There was a period for a couple months before she turned 3 when she just didn't like going to restaurants and no combination of kid's menu and crayons or special restaurant food treats or whatever could persuade her that she shouldn't throw things on the floor and whine. We stopped going out for a while, because I was in no way interested in being that family in a restaurant with the kid who clearly should not be where she is simply for the sake of me wanting to have a bloody mary and an omelette made by someone else. Fortunately for us, these things are often phases that pass quickly.

Anyway, I think that for the most part, every family figures out what works for it and does those things. For some families, that's adhering to an unshakeable nap in crib schedule for a couple years. For some families, it's napping on the go and going nonstop. Neither is inherently better or worse of an idea than the other, provided that the chosen routine is what works best for everyone - child, parents, strangers in the same physical space. If you have a child who melts down a lot and who clearly would rather go home and be in that space, it's unfair to everyone (including you) to keep that child out. If you have a kid who loves being around people and can mellow out and sleep anywhere, why keep them home?

[Anonymous]

What times do you all follow on your routines? Thanks

[Anonymous]

It's a balancing act. Like you, OP, our DD NEEDS a 7 pm bedtime - we kept her up later (till after nine) for Christmas dinner and she was going crazy. However, I think with one DC it's easy for the individual partners to keep up their personal interests - I'm currently in rehearsals for a play and DH goes to the gym religiously. For some people with kids this concept is a pipe dream: for them, it's always all about the kids.