Daughter requires a lot of micromanaging

[Anonymous]

Here’s what she should do. She needs to wake herself using the alarms, but you can remind her at night to get things ready until it becomes routine. Whatever’s distracting her at night has to be stopped. If it’s her phone, turn it off after 10pm. She need change her sleep schedule, and if she can’t needs to visit a doctor to rule out medical issues. After waking, she needs to get ready herself, but if she wants you to check in after she’ll ALL done, that’s fine. If she takes forever to get ready and is late, She can suffer the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have autism or ADHD?

Why do people always jump to things like this? She sounds like a lazy, spoiled brat. It doesn't mean there's some syndrome or condition that needs a label so she can be coddled.

Says a parent without an ADHD kid. Maybe that's not this girl's issue but it is a possibility. And she could be a lazy spoiled brat and have ADHD. But it's not about coddling, it's about helping them function. As a PP pointed out, it may require the girl doing prep the night before. That applies to anyone frankly. I often think about what I am going to wear to work the night before, particularly if I have an early meeting.

Yes, "says a parent without an ADHD kid." When are you going to learn that the vast majority of us don't have ADHD kids? And that your fringe experiences aren't applicable? I swear to God, some of you are all, well my child has this condition, so maybe yours does too. No, that's highly unlikely and statistically improbable. I know you mean well, but good Lord, stop offering it up as some explanation in every thread where deviant behavior is described.

NP - I don’t know, this sounds a lot like my ADHD kid and not like my other two kids without ADHD. 🤷‍♀️

Also speaking “deviant behavior” - please go see a therapist instead of just being mean online when it’s unhelpful and completely uncalled for. You can be honest and tactful at the same time.

First of all, don't tell another person to see a therapist. You are so incredibly rude and out-of-line with that. Like, how dare you?

Second, I am going to assume that English isn't your first language? Because if it was, you'd know that I used the derivative of the word "deviance" correctly. In this context, "deviant behavior" means behavior that deviates from the norm. While I'm painfully aware of the contortions some have gone through to try to police language, it's the correct usage of the word. Just being honest and tactful, here.

There we are, then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m trying to figure out what is normal at this age versus what is enabling. On the one hand, she has a job and generally does well once she gets there. But it feels like I’m still managing much of the process of getting her out the door every day.

How can this become easier for her?

OP to the people saying she might have ADHD, it's not like people with an ADHD diagnosis have a silver bullet for this. It's all about becoming more self-aware and putting systems in place. Is she aware? Does she realize she can start taking responsibility for these?

-having a place for things - shoes and keys, building the habit
-what to do the night before - finishing laundry, setting out clothes
-bedtime - what's stopping her from going to sleep earlier, and how to overcome it
-alarm clocks - having enough alarms, where to put them in her room, knowing when to stop hitting snooze
-toiletry routines - checklists if she forgets, or breaking it up (shower at night)
-keeping track of time - knowing how long things take, knowing what time she needs to walk out the door

[Anonymous]

I have a 16 yo who is similar.
I think it’s EF delay plus not really caring about school/job. They have an ok life as it is, they don’t want more out of life, and they think it’s going to last forever.
They are thinking oh my parents take care of everything why should I bother. They are making me work/study!
Idk what the solution is. Rn I take away his phone at 9 (he still putters around forever before settling into bed and then reads in bed) and nudge him in the morning or he just eats breakfast forever or lounges. If I didn’t rush him he’d be late I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have autism or ADHD?

Why do people always jump to things like this? She sounds like a lazy, spoiled brat. It doesn't mean there's some syndrome or condition that needs a label so she can be coddled.

Says a parent without an ADHD kid. Maybe that's not this girl's issue but it is a possibility. And she could be a lazy spoiled brat and have ADHD. But it's not about coddling, it's about helping them function. As a PP pointed out, it may require the girl doing prep the night before. That applies to anyone frankly. I often think about what I am going to wear to work the night before, particularly if I have an early meeting.

Yes, "says a parent without an ADHD kid." When are you going to learn that the vast majority of us don't have ADHD kids? And that your fringe experiences aren't applicable? I swear to God, some of you are all, well my child has this condition, so maybe yours does too. No, that's highly unlikely and statistically improbable. I know you mean well, but good Lord, stop offering it up as some explanation in every thread where deviant behavior is described.

NP - I don’t know, this sounds a lot like my ADHD kid and not like my other two kids without ADHD. 🤷‍♀️

Also speaking “deviant behavior” - please go see a therapist instead of just being mean online when it’s unhelpful and completely uncalled for. You can be honest and tactful at the same time.

First of all, don't tell another person to see a therapist. You are so incredibly rude and out-of-line with that. Like, how dare you?

Second, I am going to assume that English isn't your first language? Because if it was, you'd know that I used the derivative of the word "deviance" correctly. In this context, "deviant behavior" means behavior that deviates from the norm. While I'm painfully aware of the contortions some have gone through to try to police language, it's the correct usage of the word. Just being honest and tactful, here.

There we are, then.

DP. You think an average native speaker will hear the word deviance and understand the nuances?

[Anonymous]

My ADHD sixth grader gets himself to school every day without my help. He was late once when he forgot to turn his alarm on after a weekday of no school. Once all year.

ADHD isn’t an excuse - it just clues you in to what strategies might help.

OP, sounds like part of what’s going on is you’re worried what will happen if you don’t help. That means you’re coming from a place of anxiety and assuming she is incompetent (and thus needs you). That’s the dynamic to get a handle on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what she should do. She needs to wake herself using the alarms, but you can remind her at night to get things ready until it becomes routine. Whatever’s distracting her at night has to be stopped. If it’s her phone, turn it off after 10pm. She need change her sleep schedule, and if she can’t needs to visit a doctor to rule out medical issues. After waking, she needs to get ready herself, but if she wants you to check in after she’ll ALL done, that’s fine. If she takes forever to get ready and is late, She can suffer the consequences.

The problem about this is that the consequences aren’t scaring her. She’ll get kicked out and daddy will pay for everything until she gets another job. I am not saying she needs to be cut off. I am saying that people like this know they’ll skirt by even if fired. And they aren’t usually wrong, they find gigs here and there and ask for help and then another job and the cycle repeats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of that is normal. Not even close. You shouldn't have to wake her, you shouldn't have to remind her of anything, you shouldn't have to help her find anything she needs, etc.

Stop all of it. Let her fail. That is the way she will learn. She needs to figure it out. I know 14 year olds with jobs that lay everything out the night before, always put things in the same spots so they're easy to find, and set their own alarm AND a backup alarm.

Unfortunately this doesn’t work for adhd and she sounds like she has it. Failure just persuades them they are a failure. They are wired differently

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have autism or ADHD?

Why do people always jump to things like this? She sounds like a lazy, spoiled brat. It doesn't mean there's some syndrome or condition that needs a label so she can be coddled.

No one is "jumping to" adhd and autism. Those of us with people with adhd in our families and friend circle can recognize certain behaviors and there's nothing wrong with asking a question.

There's a lot wrong. It's incredibly rare and when people project their own experiences, it makes it like sound like these conditions are common. Occam's Razor: The kid is just lazy and dumb or has a circadian rhythm that doesn't work easily with getting up in the morning.

Gee thanks, adhd ppl have been labeled lazy and dumb since the beginning of time. Congrats you are one of those of ignorant people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have autism or ADHD?

Why do people always jump to things like this? She sounds like a lazy, spoiled brat. It doesn't mean there's some syndrome or condition that needs a label so she can be coddled.

Says a parent without an ADHD kid. Maybe that's not this girl's issue but it is a possibility. And she could be a lazy spoiled brat and have ADHD. But it's not about coddling, it's about helping them function. As a PP pointed out, it may require the girl doing prep the night before. That applies to anyone frankly. I often think about what I am going to wear to work the night before, particularly if I have an early meeting.

Yes, "says a parent without an ADHD kid." When are you going to learn that the vast majority of us don't have ADHD kids? And that your fringe experiences aren't applicable? I swear to God, some of you are all, well my child has this condition, so maybe yours does too. No, that's highly unlikely and statistically improbable. I know you mean well, but good Lord, stop offering it up as some explanation in every thread where deviant behavior is described.

NP - I don’t know, this sounds a lot like my ADHD kid and not like my other two kids without ADHD. 🤷‍♀️

Also speaking “deviant behavior” - please go see a therapist instead of just being mean online when it’s unhelpful and completely uncalled for. You can be honest and tactful at the same time.

First of all, don't tell another person to see a therapist. You are so incredibly rude and out-of-line with that. Like, how dare you?

Second, I am going to assume that English isn't your first language? Because if it was, you'd know that I used the derivative of the word "deviance" correctly. In this context, "deviant behavior" means behavior that deviates from the norm. While I'm painfully aware of the contortions some have gone through to try to police language, it's the correct usage of the word. Just being honest and tactful, here.

There we are, then.

DP. You think an average native speaker will hear the word deviance and understand the nuances?

Nuances? It has a very specific meaning: Deviation from the norm. It literally cannot be interpreted in any other way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have autism or ADHD?

Why do people always jump to things like this? She sounds like a lazy, spoiled brat. It doesn't mean there's some syndrome or condition that needs a label so she can be coddled.

No one is "jumping to" adhd and autism. Those of us with people with adhd in our families and friend circle can recognize certain behaviors and there's nothing wrong with asking a question.

There's a lot wrong. It's incredibly rare and when people project their own experiences, it makes it like sound like these conditions are common. Occam's Razor: The kid is just lazy and dumb or has a circadian rhythm that doesn't work easily with getting up in the morning.

Gee thanks, adhd ppl have been labeled lazy and dumb since the beginning of time. Congrats you are one of those of ignorant people

Some of them are. Stop coddling them. And stop making every post about you. Main character syndrome is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

You need to let her fail now while the stakes are still relatively low. There is absolutely no reason a 19 year old woman with no known issues should need her parent to wake her up and guide her through the process of getting ready. The ADHD question doesn’t even matter, she needs to learn how to do this on her own either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of that is normal. Not even close. You shouldn't have to wake her, you shouldn't have to remind her of anything, you shouldn't have to help her find anything she needs, etc.

Stop all of it. Let her fail. That is the way she will learn. She needs to figure it out. I know 14 year olds with jobs that lay everything out the night before, always put things in the same spots so they're easy to find, and set their own alarm AND a backup alarm.

Unfortunately this doesn’t work for adhd and she sounds like she has it. Failure just persuades them they are a failure. They are wired differently

Actually it CAN work for ADHD, which I know because I have had it all my life and my parents did not coddle me. Failures persuaded me to change things so I didn't fail again. The only thing my father said to help, was to leave extra time in the mornings because things come up beyond your control.

[Anonymous]

You need to let her fail now while the stakes are still relatively low. There is absolutely no reason a 19 year old woman with no known issues should need her parent to wake her up and guide her through the process of getting ready. The ADHD question doesn’t even matter, she needs to learn how to do this on her own either way.

This. Defund her. If you are paying for anything other than her phone, stop now. The entirety of her spending money should be coming from her job. If she gets fired, then she has no money. Period. My unmedicated ADHD college student (DC is allergic to all the effective ADHD meds, so has learned executive functioning on their own) gets up and gets to work with no problem. Stop enabling her. Just stop. I cannot believe you are doing this level of micromanaging with a 19 year old. Drop the rope and let her learn from her mistakes. And after she gets fired from this job, tell her that you will stop paying for the phone if she gets fired from the next one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what I’d recommend:

1. Consider having her see a doctor to rule out sleep problems or other physical issues.

2. Consider having her evaluated first ADHD or other conditions.

3. Suggest she look at some resources for ADHD. It does sound like she has some similar issues, so even if she isn’t diagnosed, she may find that some of the techniques that help with ADHD symptoms could also help her.

4. She needs 2 alarm clocks. One can be situated near her bed and wake her up pleasantly. The other should be obnoxious, placed across the room, and occasionally moved around so she can’t turn it off while still half asleep. You are NOT her alarm clock. On a rare occasion, if you notice she’s overslept you can wake her up, but it should not be a standard routine and she should not rely on you.

5. Set up systems that will replace your supervision. Sit down with her and work up two checklists - one for the night before and one for the morning. Put as many tasks as possible on the “night before” list. Create a drop zone (preferably near the door) dedicated for things to take with her (jacket, keys, purse, etc. - you could even set up a charger).

6. Make sure there are easily visible clocks in the rooms where she gets ready (including one in the shower if she showers in the morning). Consider getting her a timer so that time doesn’t get away from her.

6. Once the framework is in place, tell her it’s time for her to assume responsibility for herself and back off. Tell her to let you know if there’s something you can do to help her manage herself. As an example, if she needs to wash her uniform each night, asking to have the washer available when she gets home is reasonable, asking you to wash it for her isn’t.

She may need the threat of losing her job, or even actually losing it, to get her act together. Remind her that most job applications ask if you’ve ever been fired, so even if she doesn’t consider this job as part of a career, losing it could have long-lasting consequences.

Good luck to both you and her. I know you really care for her and want to be supportive, but at this point, helping her less might actually help her more.

Great recommendations, but for someone like me who has inattentive ADHD, this sounds very stressful.

I was called lazy, scatter brain, irresponsible, self-centered, etc. It took me into my 30s to finally manage my ADD.