Daughter requires a lot of micromanaging

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her to join the military, they'll fix this

Kid has scoliosis. The military ain't taking her.

Wrong thread. That’s the 18yo whose mom wants her to join cosmetology.

Oh. Doh. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like ADHD and executive function issues. But is this new or was she like this in high school and college(is this after freshman year)?

+1

Sounds like my adhd kid.

They need to learn to lay out clothes and shoes the night before. Always put keys in same place.

+1. I agree.
My son has Inattentive ADHD and he's a mess. He used to be better but I realized it was me the one keeping him on track.

He's 20 now and just came back from College, I swear he's regressing on everything... Ugh!.
Room is a mess, can't find car keys, forgets to lock the garage door, leaves clothes in the washer for days, he's late for everything, etc.

[Anonymous]

Here’s what I’d recommend:

1. Consider having her see a doctor to rule out sleep problems or other physical issues.

2. Consider having her evaluated first ADHD or other conditions.

3. Suggest she look at some resources for ADHD. It does sound like she has some similar issues, so even if she isn’t diagnosed, she may find that some of the techniques that help with ADHD symptoms could also help her.

4. She needs 2 alarm clocks. One can be situated near her bed and wake her up pleasantly. The other should be obnoxious, placed across the room, and occasionally moved around so she can’t turn it off while still half asleep. You are NOT her alarm clock. On a rare occasion, if you notice she’s overslept you can wake her up, but it should not be a standard routine and she should not rely on you.

5. Set up systems that will replace your supervision. Sit down with her and work up two checklists - one for the night before and one for the morning. Put as many tasks as possible on the “night before” list. Create a drop zone (preferably near the door) dedicated for things to take with her (jacket, keys, purse, etc. - you could even set up a charger).

6. Make sure there are easily visible clocks in the rooms where she gets ready (including one in the shower if she showers in the morning). Consider getting her a timer so that time doesn’t get away from her.

6. Once the framework is in place, tell her it’s time for her to assume responsibility for herself and back off. Tell her to let you know if there’s something you can do to help her manage herself. As an example, if she needs to wash her uniform each night, asking to have the washer available when she gets home is reasonable, asking you to wash it for her isn’t.

She may need the threat of losing her job, or even actually losing it, to get her act together. Remind her that most job applications ask if you’ve ever been fired, so even if she doesn’t consider this job as part of a career, losing it could have long-lasting consequences.

Good luck to both you and her. I know you really care for her and want to be supportive, but at this point, helping her less might actually help her more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what I’d recommend:

1. Consider having her see a doctor to rule out sleep problems or other physical issues.

2. Consider having her evaluated first ADHD or other conditions.

3. Suggest she look at some resources for ADHD. It does sound like she has some similar issues, so even if she isn’t diagnosed, she may find that some of the techniques that help with ADHD symptoms could also help her.

4. She needs 2 alarm clocks. One can be situated near her bed and wake her up pleasantly. The other should be obnoxious, placed across the room, and occasionally moved around so she can’t turn it off while still half asleep. You are NOT her alarm clock. On a rare occasion, if you notice she’s overslept you can wake her up, but it should not be a standard routine and she should not rely on you.

5. Set up systems that will replace your supervision. Sit down with her and work up two checklists - one for the night before and one for the morning. Put as many tasks as possible on the “night before” list. Create a drop zone (preferably near the door) dedicated for things to take with her (jacket, keys, purse, etc. - you could even set up a charger).

6. Make sure there are easily visible clocks in the rooms where she gets ready (including one in the shower if she showers in the morning). Consider getting her a timer so that time doesn’t get away from her.

6. Once the framework is in place, tell her it’s time for her to assume responsibility for herself and back off. Tell her to let you know if there’s something you can do to help her manage herself. As an example, if she needs to wash her uniform each night, asking to have the washer available when she gets home is reasonable, asking you to wash it for her isn’t.

She may need the threat of losing her job, or even actually losing it, to get her act together. Remind her that most job applications ask if you’ve ever been fired, so even if she doesn’t consider this job as part of a career, losing it could have long-lasting consequences.

Good luck to both you and her. I know you really care for her and want to be supportive, but at this point, helping her less might actually help her more.

Shorter version: you can be the most help to her by stopping all you are doing. Time for her to act alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what I’d recommend:

1. Consider having her see a doctor to rule out sleep problems or other physical issues.

2. Consider having her evaluated first ADHD or other conditions.

3. Suggest she look at some resources for ADHD. It does sound like she has some similar issues, so even if she isn’t diagnosed, she may find that some of the techniques that help with ADHD symptoms could also help her.

4. She needs 2 alarm clocks. One can be situated near her bed and wake her up pleasantly. The other should be obnoxious, placed across the room, and occasionally moved around so she can’t turn it off while still half asleep. You are NOT her alarm clock. On a rare occasion, if you notice she’s overslept you can wake her up, but it should not be a standard routine and she should not rely on you.

5. Set up systems that will replace your supervision. Sit down with her and work up two checklists - one for the night before and one for the morning. Put as many tasks as possible on the “night before” list. Create a drop zone (preferably near the door) dedicated for things to take with her (jacket, keys, purse, etc. - you could even set up a charger).

6. Make sure there are easily visible clocks in the rooms where she gets ready (including one in the shower if she showers in the morning). Consider getting her a timer so that time doesn’t get away from her.

6. Once the framework is in place, tell her it’s time for her to assume responsibility for herself and back off. Tell her to let you know if there’s something you can do to help her manage herself. As an example, if she needs to wash her uniform each night, asking to have the washer available when she gets home is reasonable, asking you to wash it for her isn’t.

She may need the threat of losing her job, or even actually losing it, to get her act together. Remind her that most job applications ask if you’ve ever been fired, so even if she doesn’t consider this job as part of a career, losing it could have long-lasting consequences.

Good luck to both you and her. I know you really care for her and want to be supportive, but at this point, helping her less might actually help her more.

Shorter version: you can be the most help to her by stopping all you are doing. Time for her to act alone.

PP you quoted

Your “shorter version” left out a vital part of my post. FIRST create a scaffold to replace your assistance. Then, and only then, stop all you’re doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what I’d recommend:

1. Consider having her see a doctor to rule out sleep problems or other physical issues.

2. Consider having her evaluated first ADHD or other conditions.

3. Suggest she look at some resources for ADHD. It does sound like she has some similar issues, so even if she isn’t diagnosed, she may find that some of the techniques that help with ADHD symptoms could also help her.

4. She needs 2 alarm clocks. One can be situated near her bed and wake her up pleasantly. The other should be obnoxious, placed across the room, and occasionally moved around so she can’t turn it off while still half asleep. You are NOT her alarm clock. On a rare occasion, if you notice she’s overslept you can wake her up, but it should not be a standard routine and she should not rely on you.

5. Set up systems that will replace your supervision. Sit down with her and work up two checklists - one for the night before and one for the morning. Put as many tasks as possible on the “night before” list. Create a drop zone (preferably near the door) dedicated for things to take with her (jacket, keys, purse, etc. - you could even set up a charger).

6. Make sure there are easily visible clocks in the rooms where she gets ready (including one in the shower if she showers in the morning). Consider getting her a timer so that time doesn’t get away from her.

6. Once the framework is in place, tell her it’s time for her to assume responsibility for herself and back off. Tell her to let you know if there’s something you can do to help her manage herself. As an example, if she needs to wash her uniform each night, asking to have the washer available when she gets home is reasonable, asking you to wash it for her isn’t.

She may need the threat of losing her job, or even actually losing it, to get her act together. Remind her that most job applications ask if you’ve ever been fired, so even if she doesn’t consider this job as part of a career, losing it could have long-lasting consequences.

Good luck to both you and her. I know you really care for her and want to be supportive, but at this point, helping her less might actually help her more.

Shorter version: you can be the most help to her by stopping all you are doing. Time for her to act alone.

PP you quoted

Your “shorter version” left out a vital part of my post. FIRST create a scaffold to replace your assistance. Then, and only then, stop all you’re doing.

Yes, sorry for over abbreviation. For OP, would also recommend you see therapist or have someone to support you as the amount of your involvement will likely be hard for you to stop and support can help you realize you aren’t hurting DC by stopping but helping.

[Anonymous]

None of that is normal. Not even close. You shouldn't have to wake her, you shouldn't have to remind her of anything, you shouldn't have to help her find anything she needs, etc.

Stop all of it. Let her fail. That is the way she will learn. She needs to figure it out. I know 14 year olds with jobs that lay everything out the night before, always put things in the same spots so they're easy to find, and set their own alarm AND a backup alarm.

[Anonymous]

You are enabling. I have adhd and I had to learn to do things myself. Time to let go. And if she can’t do things because she’s on her phone, she loses the phone. Doubt she can pay for it if she doesn’t have a job.

[Anonymous]

She’s probably a little immature for her age, but she doesn’t have any known mental or physical conditions. We’re open to having her evaluated, especially if there could be an underlying sleep issue.

She tries using her phone as an alarm, but she often sleeps through it, and it isn’t loud enough. so getting a couple of louder alarms is worth trying. Once she’s up, she gets herself dressed and ready, but she rarely does any prep the night before unless it’s for a special event. On a typical day, she tries to do everything in the morning.

She’s actually pretty good at keeping track of time, but if I completely stepped back and provided no oversight, I suspect she’d end up running late more often than not. Even when she wakes herself up, she still likes having me check in as a backup.

I agree that getting things ready the night before would help. The challenge is that she’s usually busy with other things in the evening, and by bedtime she says she’s too tired to deal with it. Realistically, I’d probably have to remind her to do that as well. She tends to be a night owl and does most of her socializing and other activities at night.

The biggest issue is probably sleep. She does need to go bed earlier and more consistently. Once it gets past 11 p.m., she seems to have a hard time winding down and putting things away. She gets caught up in whatever she’s doing, keeps pushing bedtime back, and often ends up socializing on her phone late into the night, which obviously doesn’t help. So that’s something we’ll have to try and fix. Op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have autism or ADHD?

Why do people always jump to things like this? She sounds like a lazy, spoiled brat. It doesn't mean there's some syndrome or condition that needs a label so she can be coddled.

Says a parent without an ADHD kid. Maybe that's not this girl's issue but it is a possibility. And she could be a lazy spoiled brat and have ADHD. But it's not about coddling, it's about helping them function. As a PP pointed out, it may require the girl doing prep the night before. That applies to anyone frankly. I often think about what I am going to wear to work the night before, particularly if I have an early meeting.

Yes, "says a parent without an ADHD kid." When are you going to learn that the vast majority of us don't have ADHD kids? And that your fringe experiences aren't applicable? I swear to God, some of you are all, well my child has this condition, so maybe yours does too. No, that's highly unlikely and statistically improbable. I know you mean well, but good Lord, stop offering it up as some explanation in every thread where deviant behavior is described.

NP - I don’t know, this sounds a lot like my ADHD kid and not like my other two kids without ADHD. 🤷‍♀️

Also speaking “deviant behavior” - please go see a therapist instead of just being mean online when it’s unhelpful and completely uncalled for. You can be honest and tactful at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are enabling. I have adhd and I had to learn to do things myself. Time to let go. And if she can’t do things because she’s on her phone, she loses the phone. Doubt she can pay for it if she doesn’t have a job.

I also have ADHD (untreated) and have been able to handle things myself since my first job at 15.

[Anonymous]

1. You are making excuses.
2. You should have her evaluated for adhd stat. How did high school go?

[Anonymous]

Get out of the house an hour before she needs to leave. Make sure she has two alarms set. That is the extent of your involvement.

[Anonymous]

How's her iron levels? She also might need more sleep.

Depending on the job, she might be unmotivated.

[Anonymous]

Sleep is the most important, really need to get they under control.