WFH/working parents who refuse to use childcare?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be clear:

This woman is not forcing OP or her daughter to provide free childcare. She asked for some help, OP said no, that is the end of that. OP is not burdened in any way by this situation, which is the other woman's problem.

OP isn't this woman's employer and we have NO IDEA what her job is. Everyone in this thread is thinking of their own job and saying "oh I could never do that." But this woman likely doesn't have your job. You don't know her situation.

I didn't have FT childcare when my first was a baby specifically because I didn't have FT work. I was doing contract work on a freelance basis, some for my former employer (who I left when I had my baby) and some for other clients. In the first year, I didn't do a ton of work, just a few projects here and there. I mostly was able to work on weekends or when the baby was sleeping, occasionally I'd hire a sitter for an afternoon. At one point I tried out a coworking space with childcare, which sounds like the perfect solution to someone in my situation, but was terrible because my baby cried the entire time we were there and I could hear her from the cowering space. So I never went back there.

There was just a lot of trial and error to figure out what made sense.

What didn't make sense was to put my kid in a FT daycare because there were some weeks where I didn't work at all, and the whole reason I shifted to contract work was to maximize my time at home with my baby. I recall trying for a while to get a part-time spot in a nanny share or daycare but had no luck.

I know for a fact that some acquaintances were weirdly triggered by my work and childcare situation at that time, because a lot of women are deeply bitter about their own work/childcare arrangements. I'm sympathetic to their struggles but reject anyone putting that on me. My life is not a dumping ground for your own resentment about work/life balance. I did what made sense for me, and most of the people who rolled their eyes or said rude things to me didn't understand my specific situation, what my workload was really like, or that I regularly paid for childcare but just not a daycare or nanny like they'd had. They also had no interest in learning, they just wanted to judge.

Which is also what OP is doing. She just wants to judge and feel superior. Her friend isn't making her do anything. OP is just bitter and taking it out on her "friend" instead of figuring out why the situation triggers her so much.

That’s a lot of words to say you’re not bothered

[Anonymous]

I have zero sympathy for these neighbors/friends/coworkers. They need to figure it out. ~ single mom who has always paid for childcare even on a $100k salary (and a 4yo and 6yo during covid!)

There are day care subsidies for lower income. Often it doesn't pay to work. I made $65K. Day care was $2500 a month so post taxes, etc. it wasn't work me working.

I was basically working to afford daycare for my daughter's first two years (husband's salary wasn't that great either). Thankfully both of our incomes increased faster than daycare did, but having a foot in the door was also worth something to me. (and kept me sane because I would have been a terrible SAHP). We cut costs in other places to make it work.

[Anonymous]

I guess I was the only one who actually felt a bit of relief when I dropped my son off at our nannyshare. I WFH and I had to sign an agreement that I had childcare. Work was a break from chasing after or trying to entertain a toddler. Covid nearly killed me. I love my son more than anyone or anything in this world but the toddler years sucked. He is 9 now and a joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get the annoyance. It makes you think they thought you were dumb or lazy for putting your beloved child in childcare, and now they are realizing that it’s essential but instead of dealing (like many of us did during COVID!!!) they want you to fix it. Agree with everyone else though all you can do is just not help more than you want to. I would try not to think about it more than that. Being a parent is humbling in so many ways.

This is all about how another woman's choices make you feel about your own choices. Like look at what you wrote:

"It makes you think they thought you were dumb or lazy for putting your beloved child in childcare."

I hate to break this to you, but they aren't thinking about you at all. They aren't sitting around contemplating your childcare choices, they are just figuring their own situation out. It actually has nothing to do with you. So you being "annoyed" by it because it makes you feel bad about your own decision to put your child in daycare (a totally sensible decision that most people make and that virtually no one actually judges you for) is all about you and has nothing to do with this other woman. Leave her out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My workplace is very clear that having childcare (or dependent eldercare) is a condition of teleworking.

"Oh okay, I've heard good things about X daycare". Whether you want to bail out your friend is your choice (you can say no and I would in that situation) but definitely don't have your daughter do it unless she 100% wants to and she's getting paid to babysit.

It’s definitely a “omg I can’t believe the baby is a live thing that needs me” type of situation, and she can’t believe it’s 2pm and she hasn’t gotten any work done and when teen is home from school can you or she come snuggle the baby so I can finish my work? I’m frazzled!” And no, no money. That’s what friendship is all about, right?

Your daughter absolutely cannot watch anyone's kids without being paid. That's insane.

I have zero sympathy for these neighbors/friends/coworkers. They need to figure it out. ~ single mom who has always paid for childcare even on a $100k salary (and a 4yo and 6yo during covid!)

They are figuring it out. OP can facilitate that by simply saying "no we can't" if this one woman asks for free babysitting. The woman will resolve the issue another way and everyone will move on with their lives.

You can have sympathy or not, it doesn't actually matter either way. This situation doesn't impact you directly so your opinion on it is irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My workplace is very clear that having childcare (or dependent eldercare) is a condition of teleworking.

"Oh okay, I've heard good things about X daycare". Whether you want to bail out your friend is your choice (you can say no and I would in that situation) but definitely don't have your daughter do it unless she 100% wants to and she's getting paid to babysit.

It’s definitely a “omg I can’t believe the baby is a live thing that needs me” type of situation, and she can’t believe it’s 2pm and she hasn’t gotten any work done and when teen is home from school can you or she come snuggle the baby so I can finish my work? I’m frazzled!” And no, no money. That’s what friendship is all about, right?

Your daughter absolutely cannot watch anyone's kids without being paid. That's insane.

I have zero sympathy for these neighbors/friends/coworkers. They need to figure it out. ~ single mom who has always paid for childcare even on a $100k salary (and a 4yo and 6yo during covid!)

They are figuring it out. OP can facilitate that by simply saying "no we can't" if this one woman asks for free babysitting. The woman will resolve the issue another way and everyone will move on with their lives.

You can have sympathy or not, it doesn't actually matter either way. This situation doesn't impact you directly so your opinion on it is irrelevant.

DP but it's about as relevant as yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I had to deal with this as a manager and it was the pits. Unavailable for hours at a time during the workday and a screaming baby on every call. Employee was overly candid, "sorry if you hear grunting, I'm breastfeeding and he is a noisy eater" "oh, I have to drop, baby just puked!" Etc so there wasn't even a veneer of this working out well and I had to have many conversations with HR. Unfortunately there was no requirement to have childcare per se, but a lot on remote working expectations that could be enforced so went down that path with some significant resistance. In the case of this woman her justification was that she was "too cheap" to get childcare and I basically had to spell it out for her that that was a drop in the bucket compared to losing her 200k/year remote job that was now at risk if she couldn't get it together. So, at least some people are just clueless. Nobody was more pissed off by it than fellow moms of young kids, myself included.

Be careful with the breastfeeding. There is a legal right to breastfeeding breaks.

Oh, we know lol. Spent way too much time discussing the nitty gritty of how to handle delicately and legally. This specific case was a little unique in that mom had a 7 month maternity leave, 2 month ramp up at part time, and was given a lot of leeway for the first few months back so the baby in question was over a year old when the lack of childcare really became an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I was the only one who actually felt a bit of relief when I dropped my son off at our nannyshare. I WFH and I had to sign an agreement that I had childcare. Work was a break from chasing after or trying to entertain a toddler. Covid nearly killed me. I love my son more than anyone or anything in this world but the toddler years sucked. He is 9 now and a joy.

Same, day my son went to daycare the first time I felt a weight off my shoulders. My son is 7 and a truly awesome kid. I was so lucky to have him at my work daycare so I could pump way less just dropped down to nurse instead (it ended up being faster than pumping).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I was the only one who actually felt a bit of relief when I dropped my son off at our nannyshare. I WFH and I had to sign an agreement that I had childcare. Work was a break from chasing after or trying to entertain a toddler. Covid nearly killed me. I love my son more than anyone or anything in this world but the toddler years sucked. He is 9 now and a joy.

Same, day my son went to daycare the first time I felt a weight off my shoulders. My son is 7 and a truly awesome kid. I was so lucky to have him at my work daycare so I could pump way less just dropped down to nurse instead (it ended up being faster than pumping).

That is a really fortunate set up. I think daycare would be a lot less fraught for parents if there was better availability of centers either near their home or work, and the option to drop in for nursing for kids who are under 12 months.

The daycare in my office building had an 18 month waitlist when I applied. I got called with an available spot when my daughter was 2. At that point I no longer worked there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My workplace is very clear that having childcare (or dependent eldercare) is a condition of teleworking.

"Oh okay, I've heard good things about X daycare". Whether you want to bail out your friend is your choice (you can say no and I would in that situation) but definitely don't have your daughter do it unless she 100% wants to and she's getting paid to babysit.

It’s definitely a “omg I can’t believe the baby is a live thing that needs me” type of situation, and she can’t believe it’s 2pm and she hasn’t gotten any work done and when teen is home from school can you or she come snuggle the baby so I can finish my work? I’m frazzled!” And no, no money. That’s what friendship is all about, right?

Your daughter absolutely cannot watch anyone's kids without being paid. That's insane.

I have zero sympathy for these neighbors/friends/coworkers. They need to figure it out. ~ single mom who has always paid for childcare even on a $100k salary (and a 4yo and 6yo during covid!)

They are figuring it out. OP can facilitate that by simply saying "no we can't" if this one woman asks for free babysitting. The woman will resolve the issue another way and everyone will move on with their lives.

You can have sympathy or not, it doesn't actually matter either way. This situation doesn't impact you directly so your opinion on it is irrelevant.

I mean, couldn't we say that about most comments on DCUM? It's a discussion forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine when you have a workaround, but what’s up with this? I have had THREE friends where one of the parents works outside of the home and the other WFH, and they think, we can do this without a nanny or daycare! When the baby was a newborn and sleeping a lot, and through the potato phase where it really did nothing all day, and even through the early, immobile stages, it worked out fine. Now all of a sudden the baby is crawling and sleeping less and they are completely dumbfounded that this isn’t going to be sustainable.

Now there is a fourth who keeps calling on me or my teen daughter to rescue her towards the end of her work day, because she’s overwhelmed.

What’s the mindset here? Is it cheapness? Grandiosity? Ignorance? To me it would be so blatantly obvious that this would not ever work as a long-term solution. And still, instead of throwing money at the issue, they scramble and complain.

As has been noted many times. "No" is a complete sentence. You were crazy to do it even once. They are too cheap to hire someone but think nothing of using family and friends for free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I had to deal with this as a manager and it was the pits. Unavailable for hours at a time during the workday and a screaming baby on every call. Employee was overly candid, "sorry if you hear grunting, I'm breastfeeding and he is a noisy eater" "oh, I have to drop, baby just puked!" Etc so there wasn't even a veneer of this working out well and I had to have many conversations with HR. Unfortunately there was no requirement to have childcare per se, but a lot on remote working expectations that could be enforced so went down that path with some significant resistance. In the case of this woman her justification was that she was "too cheap" to get childcare and I basically had to spell it out for her that that was a drop in the bucket compared to losing her 200k/year remote job that was now at risk if she couldn't get it together. So, at least some people are just clueless. Nobody was more pissed off by it than fellow moms of young kids, myself included.

Be careful with the breastfeeding. There is a legal right to breastfeeding breaks.

Oh, we know lol. Spent way too much time discussing the nitty gritty of how to handle delicately and legally. This specific case was a little unique in that mom had a 7 month maternity leave, 2 month ramp up at part time, and was given a lot of leeway for the first few months back so the baby in question was over a year old when the lack of childcare really became an issue.

You should have found a valid reason to fire this cretin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes cheapness

Or actual lack of funds. Childcare is expensive. Some people actually do struggle to afford it.

Childcare is a major decision in choosing to have a child.

[Anonymous]

I had a neighbor who did this. She had what she claimed was a “nanny”, but was really just a woman who brought her kids to her house and watched her kid for 15 hours a week. She wouldn’t have childcare on her telework days and her husband was a cop who had one weekday off, so she claimed she didn’t need daycare. It was that they didn’t want to spend money on full time daycare and instead spent money on stupid crap like boats and dirt bikes.

[Anonymous]

We had a new employee introduce herself on an all hands meeting today. Her kid(s?) were SCREAMING so loud and you could see limbs flailing break her zoom background and then eventually she took a straight slap to the face and went off camera/muted herself mid sentence. Never gave an intro.

I had so much second hand embarrassment