In laws offered to pay for private. Crazy to turn them down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it have to be for school? Why can't they just write checks to all grand-children and be done with it.
Why are they so involved in your life anyway and with money?
You have your own money and your kids will be fine too. They can hand down the money some other way without telling you how to use it.

Gifting money to family members for school is a way to reduce your taxable estate above and beyond the annual IRS gift limits. So you can give relatives x amount annually in cash and then ALSO pay for education. So paying for school is a way for them to give grandchildren more without the IRS taking a cut, essentially.

Exactly! This is why many grandparents pay for private school directly, because it allows them to support the heirs more effectively. However, you should make educational decisions based on your child's need not because someone else is paying.

Yes, the posters saying OP should ask for something else for her family or just have the money put in an account are being kind of gauche and clueless. The parents are offering to pay for something they value - private education - that does not count against their estate tax exemption.

It's not clear that they are giving to the exemption now, though, especially because OP thought it might work for them to pay for camp. It's worth asking.

A lot of grandparents who help with tuition are not extremely savvy about taxes, they just want to help and they know in a general way that there are tax benefits to paying for tuition. And a lot of them have an emotional aversion to writing a check instead of "paying for something" - to put it in smaller terms, my mom will buy $100 of clothes for DD but would never write a $100 check to DD.

+1 to this. They could also give OP and spouse up to $38k a year each. And then pay for other things (like camp or extracurricular programs) up to the limit (again, $38k per kid). Could give gifts of up to $152k just to OP’s family. Lots of ways to reduce a taxable estate that don’t have to be private school tuition. If the goal is to reduce the estate and they aren’t already maxing their gift tax exemptions, it’s worth trying to redirect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:elementary school is great to stay public but many kids do start going to different schools in 5th/6th/ 7th grade. You've basically missed the application window for next year at this point so maybe just tell them thank you and we will reassess in the fall, at least for the older one?

Start as soon as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are willing (and easily able) to pay for private for our kids. They made the same offer to all school-aged grandchildren and our SIL/BIL took them up on it. But I think we want to turn them down. Our first is in 3rd grade in a Whitman cluster elementary and our second is still in preschool. We like our current school, our future schools, and DCs little group of friends. Both DH and I went to public high schools. Kids don't seem to have any special learning or social needs that would make private an obvious advantage. I know privates are "better", but we are happy where we are. Thanks in part to both sets of grandparents and our personal contributions, 529s have enough money in them to cover four year private college plus grad school so we don't need to direct the offer to other types of educational assistance. Is it short sighted to say thanks but no thanks to the private school offer?

I suggest you explain to them you are very happy with their current schools. But do not burn this bridge, because you do not know if you will be happy with their future schools. Middle school and high school are very different, and your kids will change. You just never know. When our kid was in elementary school we were very happy with the school and confident they would go public all the way. Then in middle school, we became increasing unhappy with situation, and for high school they switched to private.

[Anonymous]

You sound very naive to me OP. If someone else is willing to offer your kids a better opportunity than you had, take it. Your kids will be just numbers in public school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are willing (and easily able) to pay for private for our kids. They made the same offer to all school-aged grandchildren and our SIL/BIL took them up on it. But I think we want to turn them down. Our first is in 3rd grade in a Whitman cluster elementary and our second is still in preschool. We like our current school, our future schools, and DCs little group of friends. Both DH and I went to public high schools. Kids don't seem to have any special learning or social needs that would make private an obvious advantage. I know privates are "better", but we are happy where we are. Thanks in part to both sets of grandparents and our personal contributions, 529s have enough money in them to cover four year private college plus grad school so we don't need to direct the offer to other types of educational assistance. Is it short sighted to say thanks but no thanks to the private school offer?

Don’t ever go to an open house for a private school. You can unsee it. IYKYK.

I'm not sure what you mean but we thought our public school was good until we went to a few selective private school open houses and now we are spending almost 6 figures per year for our 2 kids in middle school. The differences are stark and hard to un see.

Exactly my point. Yes, some folks will lose the ability for second homes or massive multi-week annual vacations, but your children’s growth makes it all worth it. I came from public education thinking it was amazing. It was good. But nothing like private or parochial.

I’ll be blunt: If you get the opportunity to get it for free and say no, you are a fool.

This is ridiculous. Every kid is different, and many will thrive in a large, excellent public school like Whitman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are willing (and easily able) to pay for private for our kids. They made the same offer to all school-aged grandchildren and our SIL/BIL took them up on it. But I think we want to turn them down. Our first is in 3rd grade in a Whitman cluster elementary and our second is still in preschool. We like our current school, our future schools, and DCs little group of friends. Both DH and I went to public high schools. Kids don't seem to have any special learning or social needs that would make private an obvious advantage. I know privates are "better", but we are happy where we are. Thanks in part to both sets of grandparents and our personal contributions, 529s have enough money in them to cover four year private college plus grad school so we don't need to direct the offer to other types of educational assistance. Is it short sighted to say thanks but no thanks to the private school offer?

Don’t ever go to an open house for a private school. You can unsee it. IYKYK.

I'm not sure what you mean but we thought our public school was good until we went to a few selective private school open houses and now we are spending almost 6 figures per year for our 2 kids in middle school. The differences are stark and hard to un see.

Exactly my point. Yes, some folks will lose the ability for second homes or massive multi-week annual vacations, but your children’s growth makes it all worth it. I came from public education thinking it was amazing. It was good. But nothing like private or parochial.

I’ll be blunt: If you get the opportunity to get it for free and say no, you are a fool.

This is ridiculous. Every kid is different, and many will thrive in a large, excellent public school like Whitman.

You have no idea what you are comparing that to. Many kids are resilient enough to survive Whitman and navigate the broken system enough that they manage to get to a great college, but why would you put your child through that when they could be in a school that is built for strong students to excel? And what about their high school peer group? How much time do you want your kid to spend with the lowest tier of kids who would never be in a top private school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask them to set it aside in case you change your mind (and for college if you don't change your mind).

We were very happy in public until we weren't, and kids develop needs as they grow that you can't foresee. Which is not to say private is better in all cases! But schools and kids and communities all change. Or in 5 years you might live in a different state with different options.

This. We were perfectly happy through elementary but wish I could have sent my kids to private for high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are willing (and easily able) to pay for private for our kids. They made the same offer to all school-aged grandchildren and our SIL/BIL took them up on it. But I think we want to turn them down. Our first is in 3rd grade in a Whitman cluster elementary and our second is still in preschool. We like our current school, our future schools, and DCs little group of friends. Both DH and I went to public high schools. Kids don't seem to have any special learning or social needs that would make private an obvious advantage. I know privates are "better", but we are happy where we are. Thanks in part to both sets of grandparents and our personal contributions, 529s have enough money in them to cover four year private college plus grad school so we don't need to direct the offer to other types of educational assistance. Is it short sighted to say thanks but no thanks to the private school offer?

Don’t ever go to an open house for a private school. You can unsee it. IYKYK.

I'm not sure what you mean but we thought our public school was good until we went to a few selective private school open houses and now we are spending almost 6 figures per year for our 2 kids in middle school. The differences are stark and hard to un see.

Exactly my point. Yes, some folks will lose the ability for second homes or massive multi-week annual vacations, but your children’s growth makes it all worth it. I came from public education thinking it was amazing. It was good. But nothing like private or parochial.

I’ll be blunt: If you get the opportunity to get it for free and say no, you are a fool.

This is ridiculous. Every kid is different, and many will thrive in a large, excellent public school like Whitman.

You have no idea what you are comparing that to. Many kids are resilient enough to survive Whitman and navigate the broken system enough that they manage to get to a great college, but why would you put your child through that when they could be in a school that is built for strong students to excel? And what about their high school peer group? How much time do you want your kid to spend with the lowest tier of kids who would never be in a top private school?

That last sentence is why a lot of people worry about private school. I don’t want my kids spending time with families that talk about “the lowest tier of kids “. Disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Ask to put the money in a 529 and for camps/activities and then tutoring-as-needed when they are older.

I also would have pause as their financial situation may change over the next 12 years and if they suddenly couldn't pay the tuition, what would you do?

I know you are like oh but they are so rich that won't happen. Well, my in-laws with a net worth of 20mm paid 4mm to move into a bougie assisted living facility, and it's 20k + per month to live there on top of the 4mm buy-in. While they are still rich, they would not want to be paying 400k a year for private school for all their grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are willing (and easily able) to pay for private for our kids. They made the same offer to all school-aged grandchildren and our SIL/BIL took them up on it. But I think we want to turn them down. Our first is in 3rd grade in a Whitman cluster elementary and our second is still in preschool. We like our current school, our future schools, and DCs little group of friends. Both DH and I went to public high schools. Kids don't seem to have any special learning or social needs that would make private an obvious advantage. I know privates are "better", but we are happy where we are. Thanks in part to both sets of grandparents and our personal contributions, 529s have enough money in them to cover four year private college plus grad school so we don't need to direct the offer to other types of educational assistance. Is it short sighted to say thanks but no thanks to the private school offer?

Don’t ever go to an open house for a private school. You can unsee it. IYKYK.

I'm not sure what you mean but we thought our public school was good until we went to a few selective private school open houses and now we are spending almost 6 figures per year for our 2 kids in middle school. The differences are stark and hard to un see.

Exactly my point. Yes, some folks will lose the ability for second homes or massive multi-week annual vacations, but your children’s growth makes it all worth it. I came from public education thinking it was amazing. It was good. But nothing like private or parochial.

I’ll be blunt: If you get the opportunity to get it for free and say no, you are a fool.

This is ridiculous. Every kid is different, and many will thrive in a large, excellent public school like Whitman.

You have no idea what you are comparing that to. Many kids are resilient enough to survive Whitman and navigate the broken system enough that they manage to get to a great college, but why would you put your child through that when they could be in a school that is built for strong students to excel? And what about their high school peer group? How much time do you want your kid to spend with the lowest tier of kids who would never be in a top private school?

I know perfectly well what I’m comparing it to, having gone to both public and private schools as a child and currently with nieces and nephews in local privates.

Your notion that kids are “surviving” a “broken system” at Whitman is weird and dramatic, and your “lowest tier of kids” comment is contemptible. Two of my kids are Whitman grads, and a third is there currently. They benefited from going to school with a huge number of academically talented kids as well as kids who have other interests and abilities. They also loved the huge variety of sports, clubs, and other after school activities available there. The older two were very well prepared for the excellent colleges they attended.

We have many friends who loved the private school experience, and many others whose kids found themselves on the wrong side of cliques. That will always be a potential risk at a small school. It’s silly to make sweeping statements about which type of school is better when it will always be dependent on the individual child and family.

[Anonymous]

I'd tour and have the kids visit too at MS and HS.

[Anonymous]

It is fine, especially if you are benefitting from a short commute. You can change your mind later - and you very well might for middle or high school.

[Anonymous]

Take it. We were in the Whitman cluster.Once kids get older you will want to go to private. Believe me.

[Anonymous]

The BCC cluster is a shit-show. Go independent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You ask that the money be added to the college fund. Win-win.

+1