Breaking up with my toxic mom group (Ashley Tisdale essay)

[Anonymous]

The person texting the group to say it’s too high school is always the problem. She might not be the only problem, but come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m honestly curious what happened because I think fame wise she is at the same level as Hillary and Mandy so I don’t think it’s that.

Famewise, yes, but both Hillary and Mandi have had recent hit shows (Younger and This Is Us, plus Hilary got the very sought after lead in the How I Met You Mother spinoff, even though it got canceled after one season). I bet there is some nuance with that and that Ashley is viewed as on a lower rung because if their respective careers post teen stardom.

Also I bet there is a money factor there. All of these women are rich but that makes the shades of gray worse because while the richest person in my friend group could, at most, pick up a fancy dinner at a nice restaurant for the group, at that level you're talking about vacation house in Aspen level of wealth and if the women use wealth/access as currency, that very quickly separates people into tiers.

I know nothing about Ashley Tisdale lol. Is she married/partnered? Is her husband/BF well-off? I’d assume anyone in that orbit has enough $$$ to hang, generally, so I wouldn’t think that would be the exclusionary factor especially if some of the moms weren’t famous at all.

I truly think she was invited to the “mom group” and the support functions and just not let in to the inner circle. It’s like the moms who are perfectly pleasant to you at Mommy & Me classes, and you’re on the casual group text and exchanging pleasantries with them and thinking everything is going great and then finding out that they all went Trick or Treating together, or that one of the moms had a big birthday party and didn’t invite you. But you and your kid were definitely invited to the kid’s birthday party … but not the “adult” stuff. It’s one of those situations of “we just aren’t letting anyone else into the inner group” types of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know one womens group that doesn’t eventually break up or splinter, for various reasons.

Even if they get together on occasion they are one big happy organism feeding positively off each other. They are many groups of 2 or 3 loosely connected to others.

Also friendship wax and wane that is life.

How do you get past 25 years old and not understand this.

Yeah. I kind of thought she really shot herself in the foot here by breaking off with every member of the group. She should have just spent more time with the people she got along with and less time with the larger group.

It’s weird to be half in and half out with a group. Better to have a clean break.

I’m going to say that you know more about this toxic mom-group stuff than I do.

Or maybe you do because why should she spend time with a larger group who generally excludes her and doesn’t invite her? That doesn’t sound like much fun.

No. It doesn’t. But someone sent her flowers and wants to be her friend. It’s better to have one friend than no friends.

No. You save the energy for better people. A friend who hangs out with people known to have snubbed you is no real friend.

I wouldn’t expect someone to stop hanging out with someone who didn’t invite me to a larger gathering. That sounds like 6th grade. I wouldn’t expect someone expect so-called friend to hang out with my separately and to stay silent on silly stuff that might still
Hurt my feelings.

I meant that I would expect a friend to hang out with my separately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m honestly curious what happened because I think fame wise she is at the same level as Hillary and Mandy so I don’t think it’s that.

Famewise, yes, but both Hillary and Mandi have had recent hit shows (Younger and This Is Us, plus Hilary got the very sought after lead in the How I Met You Mother spinoff, even though it got canceled after one season). I bet there is some nuance with that and that Ashley is viewed as on a lower rung because if their respective careers post teen stardom.

Also I bet there is a money factor there. All of these women are rich but that makes the shades of gray worse because while the richest person in my friend group could, at most, pick up a fancy dinner at a nice restaurant for the group, at that level you're talking about vacation house in Aspen level of wealth and if the women use wealth/access as currency, that very quickly separates people into tiers.

I know nothing about Ashley Tisdale lol. Is she married/partnered? Is her husband/BF well-off? I’d assume anyone in that orbit has enough $$$ to hang, generally, so I wouldn’t think that would be the exclusionary factor especially if some of the moms weren’t famous at all.

I truly think she was invited to the “mom group” and the support functions and just not let in to the inner circle. It’s like the moms who are perfectly pleasant to you at Mommy & Me classes, and you’re on the casual group text and exchanging pleasantries with them and thinking everything is going great and then finding out that they all went Trick or Treating together, or that one of the moms had a big birthday party and didn’t invite you. But you and your kid were definitely invited to the kid’s birthday party … but not the “adult” stuff. It’s one of those situations of “we just aren’t letting anyone else into the inner group” types of things.

Ashley owns Frenshe which a body care line sold in target. I also assume she probably has a mountain of Disney residual checks from Phineas and Ferb, Zack and Cody, and high school musical. She certainly isn’t broke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The person texting the group to say it’s too high school is always the problem. She might not be the only problem, but come on.

In general I agree, unless people have truly been behaving badly and the accusation is spot on.

She doesn't really get into it but I could see this being appropriate if there is a lot of gossip going on. That is, in fact, "too high school" for me.

I do think it's funny she said this given so many people in the group are famous for playing high schoolers and that Tisdale herself is best known for... High School Musical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m honestly curious what happened because I think fame wise she is at the same level as Hillary and Mandy so I don’t think it’s that.

Famewise, yes, but both Hillary and Mandi have had recent hit shows (Younger and This Is Us, plus Hilary got the very sought after lead in the How I Met You Mother spinoff, even though it got canceled after one season). I bet there is some nuance with that and that Ashley is viewed as on a lower rung because if their respective careers post teen stardom.

Also I bet there is a money factor there. All of these women are rich but that makes the shades of gray worse because while the richest person in my friend group could, at most, pick up a fancy dinner at a nice restaurant for the group, at that level you're talking about vacation house in Aspen level of wealth and if the women use wealth/access as currency, that very quickly separates people into tiers.

I know nothing about Ashley Tisdale lol. Is she married/partnered? Is her husband/BF well-off? I’d assume anyone in that orbit has enough $$$ to hang, generally, so I wouldn’t think that would be the exclusionary factor especially if some of the moms weren’t famous at all.

I truly think she was invited to the “mom group” and the support functions and just not let in to the inner circle. It’s like the moms who are perfectly pleasant to you at Mommy & Me classes, and you’re on the casual group text and exchanging pleasantries with them and thinking everything is going great and then finding out that they all went Trick or Treating together, or that one of the moms had a big birthday party and didn’t invite you. But you and your kid were definitely invited to the kid’s birthday party … but not the “adult” stuff. It’s one of those situations of “we just aren’t letting anyone else into the inner group” types of things.

She seems to be happily married. Her husband is described as a musician. I wonder if he has family money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The person texting the group to say it’s too high school is always the problem. She might not be the only problem, but come on.

This. Too much gossip and backstabbing but she's the one who did the photohoot with the article that blew up. Her chance at gaining relevance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m honestly curious what happened because I think fame wise she is at the same level as Hillary and Mandy so I don’t think it’s that.

Famewise, yes, but both Hillary and Mandi have had recent hit shows (Younger and This Is Us, plus Hilary got the very sought after lead in the How I Met You Mother spinoff, even though it got canceled after one season). I bet there is some nuance with that and that Ashley is viewed as on a lower rung because if their respective careers post teen stardom.

Also I bet there is a money factor there. All of these women are rich but that makes the shades of gray worse because while the richest person in my friend group could, at most, pick up a fancy dinner at a nice restaurant for the group, at that level you're talking about vacation house in Aspen level of wealth and if the women use wealth/access as currency, that very quickly separates people into tiers.

I know nothing about Ashley Tisdale lol. Is she married/partnered? Is her husband/BF well-off? I’d assume anyone in that orbit has enough $$$ to hang, generally, so I wouldn’t think that would be the exclusionary factor especially if some of the moms weren’t famous at all.

I truly think she was invited to the “mom group” and the support functions and just not let in to the inner circle. It’s like the moms who are perfectly pleasant to you at Mommy & Me classes, and you’re on the casual group text and exchanging pleasantries with them and thinking everything is going great and then finding out that they all went Trick or Treating together, or that one of the moms had a big birthday party and didn’t invite you. But you and your kid were definitely invited to the kid’s birthday party … but not the “adult” stuff. It’s one of those situations of “we just aren’t letting anyone else into the inner group” types of things.

She seems to be happily married. Her husband is described as a musician. I wonder if he has family money.

I went to his instagram page and it appears that he does the musical score for TV shows and movies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In 10 years, she'll be writing about how her husband's middle-aged transformation into a raging, alcoholic piece of shit left her realizing she should have nurtured her village. There's nothing special about a stuck-up new mom who takes aim at fellow moms to feel better than them only to regret it as her marriage degrades over time and her children get older and much more complex.

Did you read it? They pushed her out. She'll find another village when her DCs are school-aged.

Some of it seemed like just a natural fade out but the detail that made me feel bad for her was when she invited them to her daughter's birthday party and they made plans to hang out with each other (without her) at the party she hosted. That does seem cold and also would have hurt my feelings.

That was such a nasty b move. They wanted her to know they were leaving her out. How absolutely low to do that at her kid's bday party. That says all I need to know about this group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know one womens group that doesn’t eventually break up or splinter, for various reasons.

Even if they get together on occasion they are one big happy organism feeding positively off each other. They are many groups of 2 or 3 loosely connected to others.

Also friendship wax and wane that is life.

How do you get past 25 years old and not understand this.

You're too cool for school. Thank you for being so superior to the rest of us who can't understand such simple concepts without you to guide us.

What an azz. This isn't waxing and waning. These are women who are intentionally being jerks and bullies.

You continue to rise above the rest of us but we all know in the same situation you'd be hurt - or maybe I'm wrong and you live to exclude other people because you enjoy seeing the hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I got from that is that social media caused all the toxicity. Without Instagram she would have no idea who was hanging with who and that she wasn't invited. And basically all the anxiety I have with other women also stems from some variation of this: "there they are, all hanging out and didn't invite me. What did I do wrong?"
I hate it so much. Currently dreading logging onto Facebook to post family pictures my mother keep hounding me about because I know I'll see something like this.

That certainly makes it easier to find out. But even in the old days, it would usually get back to someone that a gathering was planned or took place without them. The social dynamics of a large group based on loose connections can be weird, and not being invited doesn't always mean you did something wrong.

In the old days it was considered the height of poor manners to talk about a party to someone who wasn't invited. If it got back to someone it was because someone screwed up. Nowadays a party isn't really a party if pictures of all the guests aren't posted for the world to peruse.

Not where I came from. You learned early that sometimes there are parties and you won’t be included. Maybe it’s small, maybe it’s family, there are many reasons.

It’s toxic to teach your children to kept secrets and walk in egg shells to control others feelings.

Teach them not everything is about them and have many and diverse friends groups.

What ? Your comments don't make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know one womens group that doesn’t eventually break up or splinter, for various reasons.

Even if they get together on occasion they are one big happy organism feeding positively off each other. They are many groups of 2 or 3 loosely connected to others.

Also friendship wax and wane that is life.

How do you get past 25 years old and not understand this.

Yeah. I kind of thought she really shot herself in the foot here by breaking off with every member of the group. She should have just spent more time with the people she got along with and less time with the larger group.

What was the deal with the mom who sent flowers after her message to the group but the would never respond to her after? It sounds like trying to navigate a mine field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know one womens group that doesn’t eventually break up or splinter, for various reasons.

Even if they get together on occasion they are one big happy organism feeding positively off each other. They are many groups of 2 or 3 loosely connected to others.

Also friendship wax and wane that is life.

How do you get past 25 years old and not understand this.

Yeah. I kind of thought she really shot herself in the foot here by breaking off with every member of the group. She should have just spent more time with the people she got along with and less time with the larger group.

It’s weird to be half in and half out with a group. Better to have a clean break.

I’m going to say that you know more about this toxic mom-group stuff than I do.

Or maybe you do because why should she spend time with a larger group who generally excludes her and doesn’t invite her? That doesn’t sound like much fun.

No. It doesn’t. But someone sent her flowers and wants to be her friend. It’s better to have one friend than no friends.

Didn’t that person ignore her when she tried to thank her for the flowers? These are not her friends or her people which is why she broke up with them.

Yes, I found that so weird. It was performative kindness so that mom can say she's a good person even though it was a meaningless and empty act.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In 10 years, she'll be writing about how her husband's middle-aged transformation into a raging, alcoholic piece of shit left her realizing she should have nurtured her village. There's nothing special about a stuck-up new mom who takes aim at fellow moms to feel better than them only to regret it as her marriage degrades over time and her children get older and much more complex.

Did you read it? They pushed her out. She'll find another village when her DCs are school-aged.

Some of it seemed like just a natural fade out but the detail that made me feel bad for her was when she invited them to her daughter's birthday party and they made plans to hang out with each other (without her) at the party she hosted. That does seem cold and also would have hurt my feelings.

That was such a nasty b move. They wanted her to know they were leaving her out. How absolutely low to do that at her kid's bday party. That says all I need to know about this group.

Yes. A major pet peeve of mine is grown adults who act like middle schoolers when they are guests in someone else's home (or at an event hosted by someone else). It incredibly childish. If you don't like the host, don't come to her party. This is very easy. Coming and then closing ranks into your clubby little group is just awful manners.

[Anonymous]

It just seems exhausting that middle age women still have cliques.