Empty nest is not real until...When?

[Anonymous]

Just took my girls to lunch. both are late twenties in grad school, home for Christmas, one lives an hour away and the other in the other side of the country. They both said they are not planning on settling down and having kids for several years and I really need to get some hobbies or something because being a grandma isn’t going to be my primary occupation any time soon. I feel more bereft than I did previously. Empty nest, kind of irrelevant to them at this point. Just kind of free floating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have an empty nest until the last kid moves out and takes the dog with them. Free at last, free at last....

Not the dog... Ha!
Preach girl PREACH!

[Anonymous]

When they work in another city, don't live with you, and their kids are in school so you are not babysitting grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just took my girls to lunch. both are late twenties in grad school, home for Christmas, one lives an hour away and the other in the other side of the country. They both said they are not planning on settling down and having kids for several years and I really need to get some hobbies or something because being a grandma isn’t going to be my primary occupation any time soon. I feel more bereft than I did previously. Empty nest, kind of irrelevant to them at this point. Just kind of free floating

What a mean thing to say. Sorry, pp.

[Anonymous]

DC, 18, lives with relatives near college and works. We may text few times a month. I see him when I go to visit said relatives.
If he didn't live with them, he would have his own place. Definitely not coming to my little apartment during breaks.
He worked through the break after returning from a trip.

[Anonymous]

Why are they calling you all the time? You are creating the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are they calling you all the time? You are creating the problem.

I don't ever call them so I'm not sure how. They call to chat, to complain...I'd rather they didn't but how do I say that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are they calling you all the time? You are creating the problem.

I don't ever call them so I'm not sure how. They call to chat, to complain...I'd rather they didn't but how do I say that?

Send to voicemail. Call back and say "I have 10 mins, how are you today"? You can limit the complaining, it sounds like its impacting your productivity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like everyone says empty nesting is so different, hype it up as this major change and refocus on yourself and how quiet it feels, needing to find hobbies...But so far with my two in college I find that the nest is not really empty: when they're away we talk a lot bc one especially calls all the time, and then they are home and this time for a LONG stretch. I actually feel more tired than ever now and overwhelmed bc I am less used to the routine, and it feels more intense than when they were in high school bc they were busy with activities: now on break they are relaxing at home, have friends over and meanwhile I still need to work (I work at home ft). Did anyone else feel that way, and if so when did it truly change to a stage of "now my time is mostly mine"?

When they've proper jobs and a place they pay for and clean themselves. College kids are a bigger drain then high schoolers, if you are paying for their tuition, rent and living expenses.

But if college costs are set aside (in a 529 or elsewhere) and they are only around for 3 months of the year total, how are they a drain?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like everyone says empty nesting is so different, hype it up as this major change and refocus on yourself and how quiet it feels, needing to find hobbies...But so far with my two in college I find that the nest is not really empty: when they're away we talk a lot bc one especially calls all the time, and then they are home and this time for a LONG stretch. I actually feel more tired than ever now and overwhelmed bc I am less used to the routine, and it feels more intense than when they were in high school bc they were busy with activities: now on break they are relaxing at home, have friends over and meanwhile I still need to work (I work at home ft). Did anyone else feel that way, and if so when did it truly change to a stage of "now my time is mostly mine"?

When they've proper jobs and a place they pay for and clean themselves. College kids are a bigger drain then high schoolers, if you are paying for their tuition, rent and living expenses.

But if college costs are set aside (in a 529 or elsewhere) and they are only around for 3 months of the year total, how are they a drain?

I'm not the same poster, but it's more like 5 months with all the breaks, and those months they eat like maniacs. We go through an insane amount of food. They need new shoes, a suit for interviews, money to go back and forth from college. Even if you do have the money to pay for college easily, it's not free money (unless grandparents funded it obviously): it's money saved by you that you allocate and spend on them and not on you. It's fine and obviously a choice you make when you have kids, but it is still technically draining as opposed to not spending that money.

[Anonymous]

Met my 60+ yrs old neighbor with her toddler granddaughter today at the cul de sac. She was waiting for her DIL to come and pick her up, so she could go and pick up another grandchild from school.

Empty nest? Never.

Life is hard in US and most adult kids are leaning on the grandparents for all kinds of money and effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Met my 60+ yrs old neighbor with her toddler granddaughter today at the cul de sac. She was waiting for her DIL to come and pick her up, so she could go and pick up another grandchild from school.

Empty nest? Never.

Life is hard in US and most adult kids are leaning on the grandparents for all kinds of money and effort.

In-laws and my parents had a lot of help in all ways (wedding, down payment, construction help, babysitting...) with me and dh, but did not pass it down at all and never helped us as adults or with our own kids who are now grown. So I'm not sure that's universal. Meanwhile we do feel responsible for our own kids in so many more ways than our parents did (emotionally, financially) and don't want them to struggle as much as we did and be so alone...But we're also tired! I don't have it in me to help daily with grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Met my 60+ yrs old neighbor with her toddler granddaughter today at the cul de sac. She was waiting for her DIL to come and pick her up, so she could go and pick up another grandchild from school.

Empty nest? Never.

Life is hard in US and most adult kids are leaning on the grandparents for all kinds of money and effort.

In-laws and my parents had a lot of help in all ways (wedding, down payment, construction help, babysitting...) with me and dh, but did not pass it down at all and never helped us as adults or with our own kids who are now grown. So I'm not sure that's universal. Meanwhile we do feel responsible for our own kids in so many more ways than our parents did (emotionally, financially) and don't want them to struggle as much as we did and be so alone...But we're also tired! I don't have it in me to help daily with grandkids.

Adult children are also having children much later so grandparents are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When they work in another city, don't live with you, and their kids are in school so you are not babysitting grandkids.

😩

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just took my girls to lunch. both are late twenties in grad school, home for Christmas, one lives an hour away and the other in the other side of the country. They both said they are not planning on settling down and having kids for several years and I really need to get some hobbies or something because being a grandma isn’t going to be my primary occupation any time soon. I feel more bereft than I did previously. Empty nest, kind of irrelevant to them at this point. Just kind of free floating

What a mean thing to say. Sorry, pp.

Your girls could have communicated their news with greater sensitivity given the emotional impact.