Empty nest is not real until...When?

[Anonymous]

….you go to Costco and your cart is half empty

[Anonymous]

As someone with a 25 year old, I agree that when your child is in college your nest is empty in fits and starts. And they are back for weeks or even months at a time . You may look forward to that time, but yes it can throw off your new rhythm and they sometimes resent you acting like a parent still (though they are still dependent on you in multiple ways). It is like the empty nest scab keeps getting ripped off before it heals.

In my experience, when your kid gets their own apartment, lives hours away and is self-supporting…your nest feels truly empty. Especially if they take on a significant other. They don’t “need” you anymore, so can pick and choose when to communicate, whether to visit.

I find this time to be hard. But at least it forces me to admit that I am not raising my child anymore. And it is my responsibility to find another fulfilling role (since retirement has overlapped with empty nest for me).

[Anonymous]

The nest is empty when "their" rooms become an office, a study, or a spare guest 6room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone with a 25 year old, I agree that when your child is in college your nest is empty in fits and starts. And they are back for weeks or even months at a time . You may look forward to that time, but yes it can throw off your new rhythm and they sometimes resent you acting like a parent still (though they are still dependent on you in multiple ways). It is like the empty nest scab keeps getting ripped off before it heals.

In my experience, when your kid gets their own apartment, lives hours away and is self-supporting…your nest feels truly empty. Especially if they take on a significant other. They don’t “need” you anymore, so can pick and choose when to communicate, whether to visit.

I find this time to be hard. But at least it forces me to admit that I am not raising my child anymore. And it is my responsibility to find another fulfilling role (since retirement has overlapped with empty nest for me).

I’m in the same place with a 28-year-old and am recently retired. I’m divorced and live alone, but DD lives only an hour away, so I see her almost weekly. Still, it’s definitely different than when she was in college, which was kind of training wheels for the real empty nest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine are home from college and they eat a ton. It's fine but I feel like all I do is clean the kitchen. They do help without asking but they fail to see the crumbs.

I love them though so I don't say anything.

Same! They eat so much. And okay, they put their dishes away but i would not go so far as to say they clean up after themselves completely. In high school they would be part of the clean up assignments but not now. It’s definitely more exhausting. Fun, glad to see them, but exhausting….

[Anonymous]

The first winter and summer of college can be rocky as parents and kids have to navigate a new normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, my kids were financially self sufficient when they graduated from college and got real jobs. But then I was responsible for my mom until she died. Only since her passing two years ago have I finally felt untethered and have been able to focus on myself and my own needs and goals.

But from what I see going on around me, that will only last until either I have a grandchild or until either me or my spouse get sick. I am using this window of time to travel and exercise and enjoy my friends. I know it won’t last.

How do you feel about it? It worries me sometimes. Like basically a woman is not a woman for herself anymore at any point once they become older (childless as well to some extent since you can have to take care of parents). It makes me feel a little selfish and sad and wondering if I can find some sort of balance between caring and being a good mom/grandma/child of adult parents and just existing for myself as well. I wonder how people (you, other women here, anyone!) tackle this or if people even usually have this thought.

It’s ok to put yourself first especially once your own kids hit college. You can be a supportive grandparent without letting it consume you. It’s ok to have some boundaries. Kids will probably respect you more for it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are making me feel better about my student athlete having to be back on campus already. Our visit felt short, but thank you for highlighting the fact that it's no all roses when they are home for a month.

We should have our own thread. Mine was only home for about a week before going back for training and it was wonderful and intense, but now DC is gone and I am a bit sad. The benefit is that they are doing what they love and I get to see DC several times each semester when I go to their games. But the breaks are very short.

[Anonymous]

The hardest thing to do once your kids are established is to find the new balance in your relationships. Many of my friends are still very involved in their kids lives and don’t really focus on their own goals and interests. Their identity is still tied to being a mom and they don’t really want to give that up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think true empty nesting occurring when your kids BUY their own place.

Given that many people are renting for two or more decades, that seems very classist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think true empty nesting occurring when your kids BUY their own place.

Given that many people are renting for two or more decades, that seems very classist.

If owning a home is classist that is sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think true empty nesting occurring when your kids BUY their own place.

So, though DH and I didn't live in our parents homes for 25 years before we bought our first house, our parents weren't empty nesters?

[Anonymous]

Then they get married and have kids and expect you to provide childcare. You sent off one and they came back with three more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The hardest thing to do once your kids are established is to find the new balance in your relationships. Many of my friends are still very involved in their kids lives and don’t really focus on their own goals and interests. Their identity is still tied to being a mom and they don’t really want to give that up.

I think it's hard because some kids WANT involvement. I did not and at 18 I was deciding everything all the time for myself. My parents would just hear whatever positive outcomes (I did not announce every set backs) and go "oh, that's great!". My dd constantly is using me as a sounding board and asking for my opinion. I'd much rather not be relied on so much to focus on my own thoughts and plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are making me feel better about my student athlete having to be back on campus already. Our visit felt short, but thank you for highlighting the fact that it's no all roses when they are home for a month.

We should have our own thread. Mine was only home for about a week before going back for training and it was wonderful and intense, but now DC is gone and I am a bit sad. The benefit is that they are doing what they love and I get to see DC several times each semester when I go to their games. But the breaks are very short.

One of our kids only came home for 3 days of the one month break because of an off campus job. It was the first real feeling of what empty nesting will be like: his priorities and plans for "days off" do not automatically include us anymore. I think whatever the situation, once you become someone they visit, but that visit isn't guaranteed to happen, your nest is empty.