"One and done" parents please come in! I have a few questions...

[Anonymous]

Love all these answers! Mom of an only who is married to an only. I grew up with three siblings and it was chaotic and money was a constant stressor. I love my siblings and parents and realized it was the right thing for my folks but not for me. I love my peaceful life and my daughter is such a joy. She has a ton of friends, I've found the only bad thing about having an only are the ignorant people with their anti-only stereotypes.

[Anonymous]

I was ambivalent, but after a very difficult pregnancy and birth and realizing how much it costs overall, we realized we were done. We knew we didn't have it in us to thrive with more than one, and I just didn't want another at all. She's been relatively easy and we have so much fun! The lack of sibling bickering and drama is very nice. It's been a great decision for our family.

[Anonymous]

My only was planned. I had a really hard pregnancy with her and didn’t want to go through that again. And, we’re better able to provide for her than if we had more kids. Very happy to be one and done.

[Anonymous]

My only just graduated college. No regrets. As dual working parents we had enough time affection attention and resources to give. Once we decided that we would become and done - around the time DC was 3 - we never looked back and never second guessed our decision. As an introvert I don’t think I could have handled more kids more noise more drama We’re a a really close family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We started the parenthood journey assuming we’d have more than one. (Stay with me, I have a lot of thoughts on this topic.)

Someone upthread posted about the assumption of multiple children (you have KIDS not a KID), and I think it’s true that there is a ton of momentum in that direction. I think when you really break it down, it becomes clear where the assumptions come from. Statistically, most of us grew up in families with siblings, as did our parents. As such, most of us grew up with friends who also had siblings. Since art reflects life, nearly every sitcom we watched as young adults and teens included multiple children. Commercials, social media, etc still feature families with more than one child as the norm. Perhaps even more now with the trad wife/homestead mother trend families are big. All of those images and understandings have been baked into our lives and have normalized 2+ kids, not single child families.

I really had to challenge myself to unlearn the assumption that an only child was the wrong choice in some way. I had to remind myself that our grandmothers didn’t make the decision of how many children they had (limited access to birth control) and that even our mothers had fewer options.

Initially, I had quite a bit of shame about the decision. I felt I was taking the easy way out and wondered if it was wrong to choose a calmer life. We decided not to have another for a multitude of reasons: ppd, difficult baby, no family near by, big careers. But my own capacity and the capacity of my spouse were also factors. Admitting that sounded a lot like failure to me. Like I can’t handle two kids? Ha! How weak am I??

I have come to believe I actually COULD handle two kids if I had them. I just think I’d be slightly over capacity. With one child I’m slightly under capacity. I have room for things to go wrong in my life. This became a touchstone for me. At some point in the decision making process, I realized…this is my life, too. These are my youthful years, too. If I don’t want to spend the next two-three years in the weeds with pregnancy, baby, and daycare stomach bugs….thats actually reasonable.

I do think a lot of people make the decision to have another child based on whether that yearning for another baby is still present. I want to clarify that I did still experience that yearning. In fact, I had to fight myself on this and really think it through. Where was the longing coming from? I was really patient with it, letting myself experience that longing for a year or more. At some point I started tracking it and found that my desire for another child appeared predictably right around ovulation time. I spoke to a friend about this, who said “so you want another kid one week per month! Thats a lot! I think that means you want another one!”

I did not see it that way; I saw my one week a month yearning as a biological function, a hormonal function, not a sign from the universe that someone was missing from my family. Feeling hungry isn’t a sign you must eat. Sometimes you’re just bored or thirsty.

It has been a huge gift for us to have stopped at 1. Various things have happened over the years and I DID end up needing more runway. Promotions, family and friend illnesses, moves, the pandemic. I needed space at times. And I am grateful for the extra room.

I could write a book about this, there’s so much more to say re: quality parenting, resources, marriage, sibling relationships, etc. But I hope this helps somehow.

Really great post.

Regarding that "yearning" for another kid, I also felt it and worked through it and ultimately decided it wasn't real desire to raise another child. The thing is that I didn't feel that hormonal yearning for my first kid. I know some women do, I even think my husband did, but I didn't. I decided to have my kid after thinking it through and deciding that was a life experience I wanted to have, feeling like I was capable and could do a good job, and feeling it was a project my spouse and I could work on together that would be worthwhile. I never had "baby fever."

But after I had a baby, I discovered what baby fever is like and I felt that hormonal drive to get pregnant again and have another baby. I think because my first decision was driven by rationality, not hormones, that made it a bit easier to overlook the hormonal drive and stick with rational decision making in deciding not to have a second.

[Anonymous]

Out of the folks I know who have an only, here are some of the stories:

One was one and done (very firm about that)

One had to convince spouse to try for a second, ended up terminating the pregnancy because baby had serious deformities on the amniocentesis and spouse was a firm no after that

One had secondary infertility and tried for many, many years. IVF didn’t work.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mom by choice with 1 DD. I contemplated a 2nd but then the pandemic happened. And my DD was a huge threenager and that put me off for a 2nd too. I'm glad I didn't and my DD says she loves being an only and wouldn't want to split my attention. My DD is at the age where she and I can have fun adventures together. Financially it's a lot easier and I don't have to worry about finances. As someone with ADHD, I am not sure I could mentally deal with more than one.

[Anonymous]

The first and only child was planned. We didn't have a firm one and done decision when we were planning him, it just so happened that the experience of being parents showed us we can't comfortably have another. The primary reasons are mental health and our own relationship as a couple. Some parents can keep both of those with multiple kids, but for us even one was enough to take care of.

[Anonymous]

We never had a set number in mind but knew we wanted at least one. I unfortunately had a very difficult pregnancy. We felt lucky to have made it through and to have our healthy beautiful child. We needed time to heal before thinking about a second, now that we are in a good place it is hard to think about going for another. I think there is no perfect number, there are pros and cons to any family arrangement. We are genuinely happy with one. The social pressure to have more is the hardest part.

[Anonymous]

I'm honestly surprised that no one said they wanted a few children but after they had one decided it was too much work, too expensive or whatever and then decided to be one and done. Maybe no one likes to admit that.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t realize how much I would love one and done until I had my one and realized I was completely fulfilled. I had no desire to go through the baby phase again and have a hard time understanding people that do if I’m honest. There’s no guarantee siblings will get along but you can find a non-blood best friend that is forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm honestly surprised that no one said they wanted a few children but after they had one decided it was too much work, too expensive or whatever and then decided to be one and done. Maybe no one likes to admit that.

There are several posts in this thread saying exactly that. Not sure what thread you are reading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a single mom by choice with 1 DD. I contemplated a 2nd but then the pandemic happened. And my DD was a huge threenager and that put me off for a 2nd too. I'm glad I didn't and my DD says she loves being an only and wouldn't want to split my attention. My DD is at the age where she and I can have fun adventures together. Financially it's a lot easier and I don't have to worry about finances. As someone with ADHD, I am not sure I could mentally deal with more than one.

Likewise. I'm a solo mom by choice with 1 DD. I always say I just squeezed her in (had her the end of year 40) and we have a wonderful life. I briefly thought about rolling the dice on a second, but in a HCOL area, and without family close by, I decided it would just be too much to handle. She has plenty of friends, is close with our family when we see them, and is thriving. I'll set my later life up so she doesn't have to worry as much about my care, etc. That's the gift I can give her even if I couldn't give her a sibling.